David Spade? Buuuuurn!

A few things...

1. Adam H. Newman came to visit! We got iced, he pissed on an ATM, He pretended not to cry while drunk watching Braveheart, I made him breakfast Jeno's Crisp & Tasty, we laughed a whole lot, people at a party asked us how many kids we have, we ate McDoubles on a road trip and later regretted it, I begged him to stay, he only stayed for one more Jeno's. The usual stuff.

2. Adam H. Newman's little sister asked me to be in her wedding!! She's sweet and wonderful and I'm honored. We got her a Majestic Wolf paint-by-numbers for her engagement. We rule. I also schooled her future sisters-in-law on the existence of sweet tea vodka. I can't wait to hear how their lives improve!

3. Man vitamins. Take them. I don't know if I'm getting just the right combo of caffeine AND minerals at exactly the right time or what, but both times I have taken men's vitamins, I look like Sonic the Hedgehog, but more productive, with better hair, and I fall in water less. They also make my nails grow like Teen Wolf fast, but that's ok.

4. I'm not sure how this started, but any time someone mentions heinous bands like Hinder, Nickelback, Daughtry, etc., my friend Flick raises a glass or just his hand and says "Respect!". I think this is hilarious and I may start using it more times than necessary until it's not funny anymore.

5. A meat dress. A meat dress? Is that real meat? Does it stink? Has it been sprayed down with anything? Is it cold? Will that seat cover have to be replaced? Is it Kobe beef? Looks lean. They hugged her! They touched the meat dress! Ewwwwww.

6. Ray Lewis. Didn't he kill a guy? Sweet.

7. At the engagement party this weekend, one of the new sisters-in-law said "LeAnn Rimes just walked in, she looks just like LeAnn Rimes for sure" about me. In response to this, Adam H. Newman's Mom said "Yep. Kind of. A combo of LeAnn Rimes and David Spade maybe". She told me about the funny she made while picking lint off my sweater and laughing. She claims it was in regards to our similar comedy style and not looks, but I can see through her straight to the evil core. Adam always says my Mom looks like Dustin Hoffman so... this sadly alllll makes sense.

8. The camera on my phone stopped working. How am I supposed to text people pics of my cleavage now?

9. Glee, Always Sunny and The League all come back on this week. I asked my roommate if we could please get HBO before Eastbound & Down comes back on so I no longer have to leave our house until Spring.

10. Hey Ryan Reynolds, I just want to let you know that even though you have brown eyes and I think they tend to look empty and emotionless, I would totally still nail you because you are tall and funny. I like that picture of you in GQ where you're lying in the grass. Give me a call.

11. I know a boy who left work at 5 and drove 8 hours to wake up his little brother and surprise him with a visit and canoe trip. I texted my little sister who is 2 hours away good luck at her soccer game as she was on her way there and I was watching football. You decide who the bigger sweetheart is.

12. When my other little sister texts me "this gallon of sangria wine can't even handle me right now" on a Sunday at around 8pm, I know we are surely cut from the same cloth.

13. Just when I thought my friend (we are now calling her Ruxin after the character from The League) was super awesome and even more "one of the guys" than me, she says the following to me this morning: "My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion is a modern day classic". Um, correct. Classic piece of shit! That songs sucks so hard it hurts! Your heart will go on? No, it won't. Not if you're dead. Your love may, but your heart is an organ and it won't work once you stop living. Give it up, Celine, and sing I Drove All Night. That is the jammy jam!

14. My car is in the shop right now because there is "a bad noise in the rear of the transmission" says my co-worker who examined it. After an obvious "that's what she said" I asked him what this means. He doesn't know, gotta wait for shop guy's opinion. I can't wait for them to call me and tell me it's something simple and will cost me nothing to fix.

15. Taylor Swift, you can stop acting like a rape victim now. Kanye West was a drunken idiot, but it's not like he concussed you on TV. He even said sorry as he took the mic from your hand! Gentlemanly! Though I like you and your songs, I hope your VMA performance ends the victim routine. Kanye West's big mistake made you more famous than you were ever going to be. He doesn't need your sympathy. He's got all that Power!