Last year, I made a few resolutions that I actually STUCK TO. I got in shape and kept up with it, I got finances more in order, I got a job I love. It truly feels great. Though 2013 started out rough and had it's ups and downs, I think I can honestly say it was one of the happiest years I remember and that I was the most "true to myself" that I can recall in adulthood.
In keeping with how great I feel now, I want to make even more resolutions, but this year I want them to be more focused on my inner self than my bank account or my professional standing. Those things are fine and on their way, I need to keep this little vessel sailing straight.
1. Wait. There is one purely work resolution and that is to CLEAN MY OFFICE. Seriously... this place is the seventh circle of paperwork hell and it needs straightened out and maintained. Ok, moving on.
2. Don't buy stock in negativity, even if I think it's funny. I'm not going to forward any negative links or laugh at someone's appearance. I did a decent job of this in 2013 and it really felt good.
3. Really PUSH myself in Pure Barre. I have been lately and before I even realized it was happening, I was making it all the way through thigh work. They keep telling us "if it's not challenging you, it's not changing you" and they're right. Its amazing to feel my body do things it couldn't before. Plus, I am having a tough time fitting my calves into my jeggings now, so I'll wear more dresses!
4. Love my parents more. Love my little sisters more. I have a lot of love to give. There's no reason to keep it for myself. I overflow with love. I need to let it fall over people that need it.
5. Give more little, random, meaningful gifts. If I see something that reminds me of someone, get it for them. I never regret spending that money.
6. Get less stuff for myself. Last night I had a freak out about "stuff". LESS STUFF.
7. Perpetuate my happiness. Lift people up. Extend what I find beautiful about myself to others. And if I'm not feeling it that day, take from what I find beautiful about those around me. Be more Beyoncé!!!
8. Don't perpetuate negativity. Listen, try to understand, but also try to give people the fair and positive spin on things. Don't stir any pots, attempt to turn them down to simmer.
9. Don't be so hard on myself. My mind, body and heart can't do it all. I think they can, I take on as much as I think possible, but sometimes it's just TOO much. Be ok with letting people down sometimes. I have to realize I just can't make everyone happy. And I have to stop killing myself by trying. Those who care will understand. I need to understand.
10. Let things go that need to be gone. Let people go who are bad for me so I can give that energy to the good people. Stop responding to awful texts. Stop giving time to lost causes. Stop blaming myself for things that are so far out of my control. Let things goooooo. Wish love and light for people and then move on.
11. REALLY delight in good stuff. Roll around in it, love it. Be Ride or Die for my man, let new friends know how lovely it is to have met them, let old friends know how happy I am they're still in my life, whatever good things come my way, cause them to flourish by putting the best energy I can into them.
12. Take deep breaths. Meditate more. Listen to my inner voice and trust it. Be true to myself. Be alone with my thoughts in the quiet more often. I don't always have to be in the center of a hurricane.
13. Wear pink lip gloss, wear lingerie under my jeans, sing louder in the car.
14. Dance more. And look at birds more. Birds are really happy little things.
15. Radiate love and happiness. Lead by example. Follow my heart.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, December 27, 2013
And I'm Not Even On Any Drugs....
It has been such a great holiday season so far. It really has. Just so happy and full of love and laughs. Every day has been a joyful new adventure with my family or great time with friends or reconnection with someone or meeting a new pal.
Sometimes I get scared to really delight in things because I feel like I set myself up to be upset of it all disappears, but if you don't roll around in your joy while you have it, what's the point?? And I have had more joy in the last few months than any one girl deserves. That's not something to be scared of, that's something to celebrate.
It's incredible to see how much things and people can turn around and change in the span of a year. How everything that was weighing you down before can turn into what makes you float only 365 days later.
Life is incredible, isn't it? The moment you let it take over, you become what you are supposed to be.
Sometimes I get scared to really delight in things because I feel like I set myself up to be upset of it all disappears, but if you don't roll around in your joy while you have it, what's the point?? And I have had more joy in the last few months than any one girl deserves. That's not something to be scared of, that's something to celebrate.
It's incredible to see how much things and people can turn around and change in the span of a year. How everything that was weighing you down before can turn into what makes you float only 365 days later.
Life is incredible, isn't it? The moment you let it take over, you become what you are supposed to be.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Over Shoes?
Yesterday I had a complete mental breakdown over attempting to match heels to a sparkly navy dress. I ended up with teal suede round-toe pumps and I had to ask at least 6 different people, both strangers and friends, if they agreed that this would look good. Every one of them kept saying yes, but I kept asking more people. I sent out picture texts.
Over shoes. Shoes! I am now so insane that I spent over 2 hours in one store worrying about one holiday outfit that nobody, including myself, will remember because we'll all be way too drunk.
Over shoes. Shoes! I am now so insane that I spent over 2 hours in one store worrying about one holiday outfit that nobody, including myself, will remember because we'll all be way too drunk.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Legos Though, You Guys. Legos.
When I was a little girl, I was a complete weirdo.
I very much preferred the company of adults (specifically senior citizens) because they were smarter, had better stories and indulged me. I thought other children were loud, dumb and couldn't take direction. I had a big, wild imagination and I thought other children were near-sighted and didn't bring much to the table. I wasn't mean to them, I just sort of stayed away. In my comfort zone. This is all true, I assure you. I was a freak. In the best way.
I enjoyed conventional toys, but usually not in the way they were meant to be played. I liked Barbies, but I thought they were too big to do anything cool. I enjoyed taking random pieces of my Grandma's material and making them "wrap dresses". I was DVF before I ever knew it!! I loved my Muppet figurines, but I would build them houses out of different household items. I made the raddest condos out of VHS tapes and Sesame Street books. My architecture was Grade A. I was the Frank Lloyd Wright of the 2nd grade and I was totally unaware.
I was completely obsessed with Legos. I mean obsessed. Beyond. I loved to build. I would get the theme Lego sets (Robin Hood was my fave) and I would first build the models to scale using the instructions, but after a while playing that way, I'd reconstruct the fortresses exactly the way I wanted them. How I didn't grow up and seek out an engineering degree is a frickin tragedy.
The point I was coming to is starting to get lost as I reminisce about my toys....my parents and grandparents and older sister really championed my insanity. I never realized how valuable that was until I grew up and could look back. They didn't even necessarily spur me on, but they were patient with me, I was obsessive compulsive and they really tried to deal. They told me I was weird, but that weird was good. They told me I was smart and they let me have these insane play structures all around our house. They kept art supplies flowing, the told me my drawings were amazing. I remember hearing my mother talk about me to her friends as if she thought I was a genius. I loved it. I never thought about what was "normal" or worried about what I looked like or things looked like. I just wanted it to be fun and functional and specific to my imagination. I was a perfectionist in my play craft. I really was. The more accolades I received from my loved ones, the more I liked to impress them with my next adventure in play.
As I grew older, the trappings of adolescence took hold. Insecurities sprung from their normal places and I started to lose my imagination. I discovered boys and popularity and all the pitfalls that came with those. Again, I didn't realize it at the time, but I was conforming more and more to what people thought I should be. I was lucky enough to know my peers my entire life, so I maintained shreds of weirdness here and there, but never the freedom of expression of my early childhood. Never.
Sometimes it makes me sad when I can pinpoint the moments that started to wash away my former nerdy, confident self, but mostly, I just feel very, very lucky that I had a family and friends who cheered me on, showered me with love, understanding and compliments on my creativity. They let me be who I was and they told me that person was great. Even when I was very sick and probably very scary looking, there were no comments on my appearance, there were no looks of fear in their eyes, they kept me focused outward and kept my spirits as high as my self-opinion. The me reflected on their faces was special and made them happy. Even when I was too tired or weak to play, they'd snuggle up next to me and put crayons and paper in my lap so I could keep making things. I must have exhausted them and they never let it show.
The only way I can ever think to repay them is doing the same with the people around me and hopefully, my children some day.
I very much preferred the company of adults (specifically senior citizens) because they were smarter, had better stories and indulged me. I thought other children were loud, dumb and couldn't take direction. I had a big, wild imagination and I thought other children were near-sighted and didn't bring much to the table. I wasn't mean to them, I just sort of stayed away. In my comfort zone. This is all true, I assure you. I was a freak. In the best way.
I enjoyed conventional toys, but usually not in the way they were meant to be played. I liked Barbies, but I thought they were too big to do anything cool. I enjoyed taking random pieces of my Grandma's material and making them "wrap dresses". I was DVF before I ever knew it!! I loved my Muppet figurines, but I would build them houses out of different household items. I made the raddest condos out of VHS tapes and Sesame Street books. My architecture was Grade A. I was the Frank Lloyd Wright of the 2nd grade and I was totally unaware.
I was completely obsessed with Legos. I mean obsessed. Beyond. I loved to build. I would get the theme Lego sets (Robin Hood was my fave) and I would first build the models to scale using the instructions, but after a while playing that way, I'd reconstruct the fortresses exactly the way I wanted them. How I didn't grow up and seek out an engineering degree is a frickin tragedy.
The point I was coming to is starting to get lost as I reminisce about my toys....my parents and grandparents and older sister really championed my insanity. I never realized how valuable that was until I grew up and could look back. They didn't even necessarily spur me on, but they were patient with me, I was obsessive compulsive and they really tried to deal. They told me I was weird, but that weird was good. They told me I was smart and they let me have these insane play structures all around our house. They kept art supplies flowing, the told me my drawings were amazing. I remember hearing my mother talk about me to her friends as if she thought I was a genius. I loved it. I never thought about what was "normal" or worried about what I looked like or things looked like. I just wanted it to be fun and functional and specific to my imagination. I was a perfectionist in my play craft. I really was. The more accolades I received from my loved ones, the more I liked to impress them with my next adventure in play.
As I grew older, the trappings of adolescence took hold. Insecurities sprung from their normal places and I started to lose my imagination. I discovered boys and popularity and all the pitfalls that came with those. Again, I didn't realize it at the time, but I was conforming more and more to what people thought I should be. I was lucky enough to know my peers my entire life, so I maintained shreds of weirdness here and there, but never the freedom of expression of my early childhood. Never.
Sometimes it makes me sad when I can pinpoint the moments that started to wash away my former nerdy, confident self, but mostly, I just feel very, very lucky that I had a family and friends who cheered me on, showered me with love, understanding and compliments on my creativity. They let me be who I was and they told me that person was great. Even when I was very sick and probably very scary looking, there were no comments on my appearance, there were no looks of fear in their eyes, they kept me focused outward and kept my spirits as high as my self-opinion. The me reflected on their faces was special and made them happy. Even when I was too tired or weak to play, they'd snuggle up next to me and put crayons and paper in my lap so I could keep making things. I must have exhausted them and they never let it show.
The only way I can ever think to repay them is doing the same with the people around me and hopefully, my children some day.
Monday, December 9, 2013
How Can I Possibly Ever Be Attracted To A Man Who Eats Ribs That Way??
I think the phases you go through with the people you love are the best parts of relationships.
Like...one minute you're looking at someone with utter contempt, just all 'how DARE he wear that blue sweater I know his ex bought him to this dinner, that sweater is kindling!' inside your head, but the next minute, he corrects the Starbucks barista to inform her you do not want whip cream on that gingerbread latte and you think 'eh, he's not so bad'.
There's a particularly busy week and you're so relieved he's off doing his own thing and you're not having to deal with constant fits about ridiculous things that don't concern you, but then there's a Thursday night where your bed is cold and you think 'I'd be ok with him eating snacks in this bed right now even though I despise when people eat snacks in my bed' and you almost call him, but you realize that's not how grown folks act and go to sleep instead.
Sometimes, you look at him and internally rage out all 'When was the last time this asshole worked out?? Is he just living on pizza? And his SKIN!! JUST PUT LOTION ON YOURSELF, HOW HARD IS THAT?!!' and then he's wandering around in his tux searching for his striped socks and you're all 'He's very handsome and I look very nice next to him in a sparkly dress.'
I also enjoy those days when I am essentially done with this person all together; yelling, flailing, resolute in my decision to walk away and throw a lit match behind me and then within the next hour I'm having sex with them and all is forgiven.
In those times when I actually know what just went on inside a bathroom because I heard the noises event though I was downstairs using a hair dryer and I have a nose, but then I'm still full-on attracted to a person and ready to do unspeakable things to their body, those are the times I know I'm capable of anything in love. A-ny-thing.
Like...one minute you're looking at someone with utter contempt, just all 'how DARE he wear that blue sweater I know his ex bought him to this dinner, that sweater is kindling!' inside your head, but the next minute, he corrects the Starbucks barista to inform her you do not want whip cream on that gingerbread latte and you think 'eh, he's not so bad'.
There's a particularly busy week and you're so relieved he's off doing his own thing and you're not having to deal with constant fits about ridiculous things that don't concern you, but then there's a Thursday night where your bed is cold and you think 'I'd be ok with him eating snacks in this bed right now even though I despise when people eat snacks in my bed' and you almost call him, but you realize that's not how grown folks act and go to sleep instead.
Sometimes, you look at him and internally rage out all 'When was the last time this asshole worked out?? Is he just living on pizza? And his SKIN!! JUST PUT LOTION ON YOURSELF, HOW HARD IS THAT?!!' and then he's wandering around in his tux searching for his striped socks and you're all 'He's very handsome and I look very nice next to him in a sparkly dress.'
I also enjoy those days when I am essentially done with this person all together; yelling, flailing, resolute in my decision to walk away and throw a lit match behind me and then within the next hour I'm having sex with them and all is forgiven.
In those times when I actually know what just went on inside a bathroom because I heard the noises event though I was downstairs using a hair dryer and I have a nose, but then I'm still full-on attracted to a person and ready to do unspeakable things to their body, those are the times I know I'm capable of anything in love. A-ny-thing.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Too Fast. Too Furious....Too Soon, Bro.
Ok. I've never been known for being particularly sensitive where these matters are concerned, but does anyone else think the media is making just a little TOO big of a deal out of Paul Walker's death?
Yes, he was young, gorgeous, talented, a father, and apparently very generous, but it's not like he was a ginormous celebrity or a definitive actor in our time. Is it just a slow news week or something?
I mean, James Gandolfini was a ridiculously gifted actor that crossed genres, was a total philanthropist, especially for veterans and played one of the greatest TV characters ever written and his death wasn't even this sensationalized. And he dropped dead on a vacation. Paul Walker was in a speeding Porsche. I mean, we've all been there, but if I die while my dude is racing through the streets, a few people are going to roll their eyes, you know?
Meh. Maybe I'm just PMSing. AGAIN. Month after month with this bullshit. Ugh.
Yes, he was young, gorgeous, talented, a father, and apparently very generous, but it's not like he was a ginormous celebrity or a definitive actor in our time. Is it just a slow news week or something?
I mean, James Gandolfini was a ridiculously gifted actor that crossed genres, was a total philanthropist, especially for veterans and played one of the greatest TV characters ever written and his death wasn't even this sensationalized. And he dropped dead on a vacation. Paul Walker was in a speeding Porsche. I mean, we've all been there, but if I die while my dude is racing through the streets, a few people are going to roll their eyes, you know?
Meh. Maybe I'm just PMSing. AGAIN. Month after month with this bullshit. Ugh.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
"Mom! Did You Always Know The Work "Milk" Has An L In It??!"
People keep inviting me to do these weirdo lists on Facebook, which I keep refusing along with their Candy Crush and Super Slots requests, but I like the lists in USWeekly, so I'm gonna blog one. Because...introspection belongs in lists....
25 things about me.
1. I gave my mother several very serious bouts of false labor. I was stubborn from the get-go.
2. In first grade, I spelled 'milk' like 'miwk' because that's how I said it and I sounded it out. Later that day I got mad at my mother for letting me say it like that at home because "it's WRONG, mom".
3. I was asked by my school if I wanted to skip 3rd and 4th grades. I declined. I was quite smart before I discovered a social life.
4. I am always attracted to the color grey. Grey clothes, shoes, wall color, furniture, eye shadow. I love all different shades of grey. Allllll 50 shades.
5. My favorite poet is Robert Frost. I can never decide if my favorite poem is Fire And Ice or The Road Not Taken. I don't own ONE Robert Frost poetry book and that pains me.
6. I can not hear the song Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon without wanting to get totally wild. And the bridge of Locked Out Of Heaven by Bruno Mars where he sings "ohohohoh yeahyeahyeah can I just stay here, spend the rest of my days here" gets turned up to ear-shattering levels in my car. It makes me throw my head back.
7. I am completely obsessed with Pudge the Cat. Like...obsessed. We tweet at each other.
8. I used to have to take breaks during thigh/quad work in Pure Barre and I was perfection at booty work. Now it's the opposite. I get through thighs/quads pretty easily and my booty is challenging me!
9. Angel by Thierry Mugler and La Vie Est Belle by Lancôme are my longest running perfumes to date. Still love them both every time I put them on.
10. Starbucks is like a drug to me. Chai lattes in particular.
11. How Long Will I Love You by Ellie Goulding and Turning Page by Sleeping At Last are my current favorite love songs.
12. I used to dislike walnuts and now I can't stop eating them. Sometimes I stand around and drip honey on them first. It's so weird.
13. It's been a year since I got my iphone and I can still barely work it. I feel the most difficult part is actually making a phone call.
14. Pictures of bunnies and/or babies make me insanely happy. Like, happy tears happy. http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/this-touching-video-of-a-premature-babys-first-year-will-mak and this is the most touching video I have ever seen. Ever.
15. I have seen the sun set over the Caribbean, sun rise over the Grand Canyon, been in a rain storm IN a rain forest in Hawaii, participated in Hands Across America, walked through a New Orleans cemetery at night, held 2 baby chimps, etc etc. I've had a cool life and I smile about it every day.
16. A boy once kissed me under a street lamp in a snow storm at midnight. I wasn't even dating him, he was a friend who just stole it and said "I have always wondered what that would be like since I met you" and it was, to this day, the most romantic kiss I have ever had.
17. I hate peas. HATE.
18. I love pizza. Like, can't resist pizza no matter how hard I try.
19. Writing, drinking (coffee or vodka) and listening to music (all at the same time, preferably) are my favorite things to do besides sex and snuggling.
20. I ask salons to dye my hair brown all the time and they refuse because "this color can never be replicated again, lady!"
21. I can shoot an arrow both left and right handed.
22. I'm positive I have seen an alien. I went into shock afterward.
23. I love road trips. Or trips of any kind. I'd travel and write full time if I had the balls to just give things up and do it.
24. I try to quit swear words all the time. It never fucking works.
25. I get really teary eyed and weird when I realize the best days of my life are still ahead of me because I'm not married and not a mom yet. <3 p="">
PS, while I was writing this, Locked Out Of Heaven came on and you can bet that sweet ass I cranked it up in my office.
25 things about me.
1. I gave my mother several very serious bouts of false labor. I was stubborn from the get-go.
2. In first grade, I spelled 'milk' like 'miwk' because that's how I said it and I sounded it out. Later that day I got mad at my mother for letting me say it like that at home because "it's WRONG, mom".
3. I was asked by my school if I wanted to skip 3rd and 4th grades. I declined. I was quite smart before I discovered a social life.
4. I am always attracted to the color grey. Grey clothes, shoes, wall color, furniture, eye shadow. I love all different shades of grey. Allllll 50 shades.
5. My favorite poet is Robert Frost. I can never decide if my favorite poem is Fire And Ice or The Road Not Taken. I don't own ONE Robert Frost poetry book and that pains me.
6. I can not hear the song Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon without wanting to get totally wild. And the bridge of Locked Out Of Heaven by Bruno Mars where he sings "ohohohoh yeahyeahyeah can I just stay here, spend the rest of my days here" gets turned up to ear-shattering levels in my car. It makes me throw my head back.
7. I am completely obsessed with Pudge the Cat. Like...obsessed. We tweet at each other.
8. I used to have to take breaks during thigh/quad work in Pure Barre and I was perfection at booty work. Now it's the opposite. I get through thighs/quads pretty easily and my booty is challenging me!
9. Angel by Thierry Mugler and La Vie Est Belle by Lancôme are my longest running perfumes to date. Still love them both every time I put them on.
10. Starbucks is like a drug to me. Chai lattes in particular.
11. How Long Will I Love You by Ellie Goulding and Turning Page by Sleeping At Last are my current favorite love songs.
12. I used to dislike walnuts and now I can't stop eating them. Sometimes I stand around and drip honey on them first. It's so weird.
13. It's been a year since I got my iphone and I can still barely work it. I feel the most difficult part is actually making a phone call.
14. Pictures of bunnies and/or babies make me insanely happy. Like, happy tears happy. http://www.buzzfeed.com/ellievhall/this-touching-video-of-a-premature-babys-first-year-will-mak and this is the most touching video I have ever seen. Ever.
15. I have seen the sun set over the Caribbean, sun rise over the Grand Canyon, been in a rain storm IN a rain forest in Hawaii, participated in Hands Across America, walked through a New Orleans cemetery at night, held 2 baby chimps, etc etc. I've had a cool life and I smile about it every day.
16. A boy once kissed me under a street lamp in a snow storm at midnight. I wasn't even dating him, he was a friend who just stole it and said "I have always wondered what that would be like since I met you" and it was, to this day, the most romantic kiss I have ever had.
17. I hate peas. HATE.
18. I love pizza. Like, can't resist pizza no matter how hard I try.
19. Writing, drinking (coffee or vodka) and listening to music (all at the same time, preferably) are my favorite things to do besides sex and snuggling.
20. I ask salons to dye my hair brown all the time and they refuse because "this color can never be replicated again, lady!"
21. I can shoot an arrow both left and right handed.
22. I'm positive I have seen an alien. I went into shock afterward.
23. I love road trips. Or trips of any kind. I'd travel and write full time if I had the balls to just give things up and do it.
24. I try to quit swear words all the time. It never fucking works.
25. I get really teary eyed and weird when I realize the best days of my life are still ahead of me because I'm not married and not a mom yet. <3 p="">
PS, while I was writing this, Locked Out Of Heaven came on and you can bet that sweet ass I cranked it up in my office.
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