Winner Winner Bacon Bone Dinner

In other news that's not wrist-slashingly depressing: Winnie comes tomorrow for the whole weekend. Oh sweet, fuzzy distraction!!!

Ghost Adam Is Always Right. And Less Fat-Faced Than Real Adam

So, Adam H. Newman calls me yesterday with a problem. It's not a problem, I guess, it's a situation concerning someone we both know possibly being upset. We also both know it's probably going to come up, and it's... touchy. He talks to me about how to react, what should he do, what would I do, etc. He falls silent for a minute, then says "So? How does that work? What would be best to say?" and for the first time I can remember.... I have nothing. Because in that moment. All that comes into my head is "lie". I don't want to say it out loud, because it sounds fucking crazy as it hisses inside, but as he's going on, several things have occurred to me. My brain has just completely changed with recent events in my life.

1. It has shut off thinking of either of their feelings. I'm only thinking about how he best navigates the situation to get what he wants. Fuck the future, what's happening in that moment. You want that? Take it. 2. Don't worry about who it hurts or me or what is said because you could think you're handling it with the utmost care, and they could see it incredibly different, punch your face, and you'll wish you would have just lied your way out to save (your face) everyone the trouble. 3. If I had just kept lying about my life situation by omission, a few people would be much happier right now. 4. A switch has flipped and I am now sweating with anger.

He goes on about how he is going to say this and that because it's a version of the actual truth and it's exactly what would have happened if a long time ago blah blah blah, and what he's saying makes a lot of sense and as always, he's concerned about feelings getting hurt when they don't need to be. But I just say "Yeah. I have no idea anymore. Handle it however you want, be kind, but if they freak, blame it on me." He goes on some more about how he knew this would happen to me and how I think, yep, this happens in life yadda yadda yadda but I'm not even listening anymore. I have become almost blind with rage. Finally! I think. What a relief! This is great, a breakthrough! My skin is actually hot to the touch!

I hang up, finish pacing the kitchen and return to my desk. I use the rest of my lunch sorting my Outlook and copy/pasting old emails together into one large email. Snippets here, entire emails there, it's a real bloodbath in several different fonts. "This is what everyone really thinks of everyone else. This is what people do to other people. This is what nobody says to anyone's face. But it all floods into and from my Outlook. Sometimes, you gotta be cruel to be kind. This is what hurt and betrayal can really look like" I think to myself as I'm editing spacing. I'm so crazy and out-of-body that I'm actually humming to the radio as I click in my To: box and start adding names. I sit back. And just as I move my mouse to click send, I hear Adam's voice boom into my head.

"Really?? Really." I can see him, clear as if he's standing there, neck all pulled in, taken aback, over the side of my cubicle, head slightly tilted, lowering his voice in 1 of his 2 commanding tones. "This is who you are now? This will make you stop hurting? This will make everyone stop hurting? You feel good about that? Like a champ? A real peace officer?" Ugh. I can so hear him saying all of these things and more. The last sentence I hear is "Yes. You are clearly being misunderstood. By a few different people. But that sends a very, very clear message. And it's not one you would ever want to send" And imaginary Adam is right. He's like a pudgier ghost Edward Cullen from New Moon. And my arm relaxes away from my mouse. I sigh in resignation that I'm a pussy that didn't even use her one awesome hour of blinding rage to go bananas in any cool way. And I start to scroll down the email. And I start to giggle. Because some of it is just plain hilarious. Some of it is just awful, but that makes it even more hilarious. Because it's just people. It's the fray of family and friends. And I like family. And I like friends. And I like people in general. And I wouldn't like myself if I did something like hit send. But I saved to drafts just to give myself a little reminder that my anger came, and it wasn't the delicious, crispy Bloomin' Onion I thought it would be. And subconscious Adam does not approve.

So I sit. And I give another sigh. Because I want to believe there is still some goodness underneath all this. But it's still a real bummer. Because, as a person that is normally composed of happiness, hope, words and action all moving together, about the saddest thing you can realize is that the only thing left to do.... is absolutely nothing.

Inner Dialogue for Pussies 101

Sit Indian style. Is that derogatory? I don't think so. Stop thinking. Straighten your back. Neck relaxed, but... stretched? Seems weird, but ok, feels ok. Palms up, touch a few fingers together, close eyes. In through the nose, out through the mouth. No. That feels like being in the hospital. Mouth closed. Nose only. I think I'm supposed to focus on the nose, in fact. I'm breathing through my nose. It feels ok. My leg itches. I wonder if this eye shadow is toxic. Why does my face still look tan? Stop. Your eyes are pretty, think good stuff. Bliss facial care. Shit, I can't afford that, why do I want to think about it? I need to vacuum. I need to clean the kitchen. My fish need new water. Stop. Fish. I love those fish. Candles. There's apple cider in the fridge. That carmel apple that Judy gave me was delish. Twilight is on FX tonight. No *head shake* don't think about that. simple, good stuff. Try again. Winnie. Winnie's nose. Winnie's paws. Winnie's turkey begging bark. Winnie the first drive home. Taking Winnie for drives and walks this weekend. *small smile* Leaves blowing across the grass. My poncho was so cute all day. My new, totally perfect boots. No, no, this is dumb shit, don't think of material stuff. *head shake* Adam. Adam imitating me. Adam cocking his head to the side and rubbing his nose. Adam imitating me imitating my mom. Adam's mom saying "one hitter". *smile* Adam's mom's laugh. Adam's mom's hugs. Adam's mom making cornucopias. *giggle*My mom. My mom talking to her cat. Mom making Chex mix. Mom's drunk laugh. *smile* Finley. Finley running through the snow. First snow. Sweaters. Cuddle blankets. Babies in blankets...*head shake* no no no no no no. Kleenex. Just stand up. Go get one. Don't lie down. Ugh, what was that, 5 minutes? Meditation really is for assholes.

October 14

Today was once the worst day of my whole life. It's the anniversary of when my Grandmother passed away. Every year, this day comes up and it's so hard to remember the anxiety I felt waiting to hear she had come out of surgery ok. Or to feel the same tenseness in my shoulders I had all day that day. I will never not be sad on this day, and I will never stop missing her, but something else great happened on this day.

Adam H Newman got a baby sister. And she was married last weekend. She is on her honeymoon. And she is one of the nicest, most beautiful, most pure people I have ever encountered. I used to get a little sad that her birthday was on this day because I knew that I would always be reminded of it. It would never come and go without me noticing. But, now I think of what a happy day that is for their family. And what it must have been like for Adam's mom, on this day, to hold a baby girl after giving birth to 3 lame boys. (kidding) And I think about all the joy she has brought to the lives around her. And her funny little walk, and her huge eyes, her loud laugh, how sincere she is in everything she does.

And its good to be reminded that I had a Grandmother that I loved so much it broke my heart to lose her. And I think about all the amazing things she did for me. And how she would play cards with me. And make me breakfast. And put encouraging post it notes in my lunch all the time. Or just ones that told me she loved me. How she would sneak up and scare the shit out of me. The smell of her perfume. The red hair I have because of her. And I'm reminded to tell my Mom I love her. And show love and affection to the people around me. To laugh and play and joke just like she did. To dance when I'm cooking. To use my imagination like she encouraged. To forgive others and myself. To talk to and hug kids because they need it. To think about each day when it's over and find the joy.

I have a lot to be joyful for.

iWisdom

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs

Once The Waterworks Start.... Pray for A Live Wire.

So.....

When I was the person at work who continuously had the highest transaction count, and Skoal Can told me "slow down dude, the faster you go, the more work, the higher the expectations" and I was like "eh... no way, it will slow down eventually".... I should have listened to that lesbian genius.

Today, as I am just absolutely scrambling to get through my rail draft, our temp boss from corporate slinks up to my cubicle to say "your transaction count from last week was ridiculously high, you're awesome, I mean, I told you you could do it." and I'm all "yeah, is that good? Ok, well, I'm going to keep voucher matching, did you need something else?" without ever looking up at her. She says "Nope, just wanted to tell you how you did and it was super great. We'll decide who gets what freight accounts permanently figured out this week some time". Yeah, ok. Whatever. I have a draft due tomorrow that I just started. Scram.

"This week some time" turned out to be at exactly 3:30 according to the meeting notification in my Outlook. She explained to us that she wasn't going to show the 3 of us what accounts we got because she didn't think that was fair (or want us to lose our shit) but we would get a list anyway so we know how to divide the mail up. When my list was handed to me, I just... stared. Partly because the antibiotics I'm on for my stress rash also cause me to be dizzy and light-headed, but also because I still have both huge rail accounts. And one from Canada. AND a list of 20 trucking accounts. Including the 2nd biggest one. As my eyes welled up with tears, she was busy explaining how I should finish the draft I'm on, then divide it up blah blah and I'm thinking "divide what up? I still have the entire draft. Do you think you're tricking me? I have all the rail, you just also piled 20 trucking accounts on top of it". I sort of zoned out and then I heard her say "who has this, this and this trucking?" while holding up her pile of unanswered invoices. I looked down at my list and raised my hand. So I was handed a stack before I ever left her office. The other 2 ladies were literally laughing. It was 4pm, I leave at 5pm, I wasn't done matching a huge draft of rail cars due end of day tomorrow, and within 10 minutes, there was a stack a foot high of fed ex and manila envelopes next to me with invoices. All checks due to audit on Monday by 3pm.

I got up, went to the bathroom and LET IT RIP. Just cried for about 2 minutes straight while holding cold wet paper towel to my face so it my eyes didn't get red. I cried because she's fucking high thinking that's realistic for me to get through (even though I'm basically a fucking wizard with invoicing) in a week. I cried because I miss my friends. I cried because I was kind of hungry. I cried because I didn't like how my hair looked. I cried because I can't decide what dress to wear to the rehearsal dinner. I cried because I wonder what that woodchuck in that big yard does when he runs out of apples and will he be cold this winter. I cried because I want to see my Mom. I cried because I wish my mix CD didn't skip during Halo by Beyonce. I cried because I don't like having a rash OR being on meds for a rash. I cried because I don't want to go back to that cubicle and look up and realize I've worked in it for 15 years.

Then I stopped. Patted my eyes. Made sure I didn't look messy. Went back to my desk. Took a drink of water. Texted like 3 people about how much I fucking hate work. And voucher matched some more invoices. Next time I saw Corporate Temp, I was squishing as much of that stack in a drawer as possible. Not today, mail. Maybe not tomorrow either!

I'm really trying to get a grip. In the middle of the account meeting, one of the ladies randomly announced that some little kid was climbing a tree last weekend in Saginaw and got electrocuted. When she said that, we all just stared at her. I had several thoughts, but I narrowed it down to "shit, guess it could be worse" and "fuck. lucky kid".