Duckwatch 2011: Week 39. You're Just Procrastinating Now, Kid

Hey Duck.

So.... still just chillin in there, huh? Gonna stay forever? That could get weird.

The unthinkable has happened. I spoke with your Mom earlier. She and you and your Dad were on the way to a Dr's appointment. As I got over the fact that she was eating cereal in my ear, I asked if she was working after and she said.... NO. "I'm done, really" were her exact words. I can't even believe it. About effing time. She even said she took a nap yesterday! A real nap. For like, an hour. Miracles happen every day, I guess.

Other than that, I won't know anything new about you until after that appointment. I can't write about it now anyway because your Mom says it's not ok when family members don't know stuff and I'm just blogging my ass off about it to the free world. According to my baby email, you're holding strong at around 21 inches and 7-8ish lbs. You're just basically trying to build up some fatsies so you can be warm when you shoot out. You have some skin probably starting to shed so new skin can start to come in. (weird, snake-child but whatevs, I still like you.)

Funny story; yesterday Charlie Sheen was sleeping off a hangover in the hospital where you're going to be born. I told your Mom I hoped she didn't have you then because I feared he could be wandering around drunk, sense the exposed vagina, and come into the room thinking there's a porn shoot. She didn't even get mad at how disgusting I am, just said "Ewwww, that better be another building. I think they keep the drunk people away from the babies." Hey man, It's LA, you never know.

Well... enjoy your time loitering inside my friend. I'll get back with you next week and until then GET BIG, GET BIG, GET BIG!!

Eat you up I love you so xoxox
Me

Docile, Curious, Godzilla-like.

In all the Glee/Zombie madness of yesterday, I forgot to post this article that gave me my second biggest "What the fuuuuuuuck?" moment of the day.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/01/26/2011-01-26_godzillalike_lizard_sparks_california_freak_out.html

When I first read it on Yahoo News, I was first annoyed because, I'm sorry, but a 5-foot monitor lizard is far from "Godzilla Like" because Godzilla was fucking enormous and crushed cities. Then I became just completely baffled because in the Yahoo article, after the animal control officer discussed getting the lizard to the shelter, she stated "It became quite docile then. We were able to put it on a leash and walk it around. It just sniffed and investigated and didn't snap at anyone."

Again.... what the fuuuuuck? You wanted to jump back in your truck when you saw it, but then you thought you'd take a chance on giving the terrifying creature of hissing death a nice little walk while some poor German Shepherd left in an alley by a surfer crackhead just sits there in it's cage, staring helplessly, hoping not to get chomped down by this monster? Great. Ask Phil Bronstein how his foot is doing after one of these tried to totally eat his ass. If you find a Velociraptor and decide to challenge it to a foot race for fun, let me know how that goes too. "They rememberrr."

Real Nice, Glee. You're Undead To Me.

Wow. Just when I thought life couldn't betray me any more than it already has.... this happens.

Glee is one of my favorite shows. I think pretty much everything about it is wonderful and amazing. Now I see they have decided to do an episode about a subject that anyone who reads this or has met me knows I absolutely can not deal with. Zombies. Why? Does Ryan Murphy read this blog and have a personal vendetta against me or something? I know part of it is "Thriller" themed, so I suppose zombies are somewhat necessary, but man, come on. This feels like a direct kick to the vagina. I mean, I'm still going to watch, but there are not enough smiley show tunes or MJ superjams on the planet to lighten up a zombie episode for me.

Cracked.com posted this hilarious article http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html?wa_user1=1&wa_user2=Science&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=moreon , which made me feel slightly better, but the thing is, they left out the zombies from the movie I Am Legend and even from 28 Days Later. So... what of them? What if they are fast and can somewhat reason. Ugh, now my brain is just spiralling off in doomy directions.

You may ask, "why are you so afraid of zombies, but seemingly super horny for vampires and some werewolves?". Well, here's why. Have you ever seen an attractive zombie? No. Even a little skin falling off Robert Pattinson would make me recoil instead of tearing off his already shredded zombie clothing. Even though the zombies in I Am Legend are pretty cut with nice arms, they haven't even thought about showering in months because they've been too busy feasting on human flesh. Oh, vampires do the same? Yeah, well if you know anything, vampires are also apparently amazing in the sack so at the very least, I get the bone of my life before nosferatu drains my ass dry. At my age, I may actually trade my life for an other-worldly fuck sesh, even if it is with a member of the undead. Hey, at least I went out with a bang.

Get it? Get it?!?

Best Part? According To The Game, My Porn Name Would Be FOGGY ARBOR. Amazing.

You know... just some random shit I've been thinking about.

1. The pet fish I bought for someone, then they had me babysit while they were out of town, then they never came and picked up are still on my kitchen table. I thought about flushing them, but they swim really fast in a circle every night when I get home and turn the light on. They.... have brains. I can't do it. Even if they did each just cost 28 cents. I can't have their last thoughts be "That BITCH!"

2. I am clearly watching too much porn. I have dreams that I am in a porn almost every night now. Even when I'm just in the background, it's totally disturbing and I'm taking a hiatus from it. Though... Monday night it turned from porn to me being in True Blood which worked out quite well. Still... I gotta quit. Just for a little bit.

3. I have taken hair worship to a whole new level with the purchase of an Infinity curling iron that gives me giant, doll-like waves. It's pretty spectacular.

4. I'm really sick of the typically creepy janitor at my work coming every day an hour early. I'm also sick of him peering into my office door every time he walks by in that hour. I'm also sick of when I close my door so I don't have to see his snaggle-toothed face, he opens it without knocking, pretending to not know I'm here EVERY week day until 5:00pm. I feel like I should start forming a plot to kill him before he drops me into a well in his basement.

5. I just bought a green (the color AND the philosophy) phone that claims to be made of mostly recycled plastic so I feel like I can keep throwing away pop cans. You're welcome, Earth.

6. I wish I would have met and married Jason Bateman about 8 years ago. If anyone has a time machine, remind me that this would be what I would change.

7. I lost one of my black flats. Now, this means I have lost my favorite brown flip flops and one half of my second most worn pair of shoes. I blame the janitor.

8. My Mom keeps trying to tell me that I told her I was going to quit drinking. Fat chance, lady! What the hell are you talking about? I'm sure that at the end of Summer (while drunk) I told her that I would slow down in Fall and Winter. Which I have. Drastically. This is only because I hate the cold and I'm too lazy to go out in the snow to get booze when the top of my fridge is covered with bottles of it. It's just luck that she happens to call on Sunday mornings when I'm hung over so she thinks I'm that drunk every day. Get with the program Mom, it's gonna get a lot worse when Spring rolls back around.

9. I am fearing I have become a hoarder. I have SO much clothing. I don't think about it until someone comes to my house who I know also has a lot and freaks out saying they've never seen so many clothes. I really need to start packing it up and actually get rid of the bags. Not just take them to the basement and then months later, decide I need all that shit again. (This doesn't mean I don't want those brown flip flops and that black flat back though, so if you find those, tell me. )

10. I feel like watching some porn. *sigh*

Around The World And Straight To The Couch

My friends and I just had our bi-annual Around the World party. This is a festive event in which a group of grown men and women walk to designated apartments in our complex (that have different country themes) and take a shot that represents that country while acting like children and/or wild animals. There is also a beer or cocktail accompanyment and sometimes a snack. We also have a dress up theme for these. This theme was "pretty much anything football related". We had a HUGE turn out of 30+ people as well.

As I like to do... here is a rough, and I do mean rough, timeline of events of the night.

6:30pm: We are supposed to be at the first stop. Instead, I am curling Twin Set's hair, Sasha has just emerged from the shower, Squint is feeding us quesadillas and I am having my first beer for "padding".

7:10pm: We run out the door, head down to Flick's. It is packed and we are still missing half the group. The country is Germany. Must be Nazi Germany because there is no snack. We take the shot. It just tastes like liquid cocaine and I decline to ask what was in it. Since there are 3 people dressed as Refs, we announce that the five minute warning in an apartment will be signaled by their whistles instead of the usual "turn the lights on and off really fast". I am already buzzed.

8:00pm: Becks is the second stop. Ireland. There are delicious mini reubens as the snack. I realize that I hosted Ireland with an old friend, made this exact snack in the SAME apartment for a previous ATW. I trip out on that for a second. The shot is an Irish Car Bomb. I lie to Twin Set and tell her it tastes great like chocolate milk. (I have never in my life done an Irish Car Bomb...til now) We do the shot and I also decide I need extra Bailey's. And a Christmas Ale. Then I tell people it's ok to dance on the coffee table because I did it at the last ATW. I break the seal and trip over a rug.

8:30-8:45 ish: While exiting this apartment, all 3 refs blow their whistles. Becks' neighbor below flips his shit, comes out on his balcony and tells us not to come back. Little does he know, our last stop is the apartment directly below him. Sorry bro, it's only going to get louder and less organized.

9:00pm (everything after has an ish.): 3rd stop, Spain. Squint screams at people to wipe their feet. He has one of the small one bedrooms so every square inch of his place is people. A Bowling Green football player and his girlfriend stage a clothed porn shoot on his bed below a Toledo flag. It is hilarious. We have a small dance party, take a shot of a still unamed liquor, I forget to eat a quesadilla. I have a can of ... some beer. I reach into my fanny pack to change my eye black stickers because I have sweated the current ones off.

9:45ish: 4th stop...I think is 1960's New York. I have no idea where the apartment is. I follow someone else. All of us do. I turn around and see Becks screaming and waving his arms in the correct direction. We go there. The shot is white, milky, in a wine glass and tastes like a mix of medicine and anger. I take one sip and decide to drink 2 beers in it's place. I accuse Smash of being too drunk to find his way to his apartment for the last stop. I have lost track of time and my Bears head. Oh well. A girl tries to explain to me how to get to the next stop. I don't understand words and tell her I'll follow tracks in the snow.

Lights out.

10:30ish??: 5th stop. Serbia. It's another small one bedroom. I cant find the snack, decide it's too late for that shit anyway. I drink a beer. Squint and Twin Set are now having their own clothed porn shoot in the Bowling Green bedroom. Several of us cheer them on and participate. I then decide to try to wrestle Twin Set. She loses her shit and throws me off the bed and jumps on top of me to choke me. I laugh so hard I can't breathe. I don't know if this is why my neck hurts or if it was something else. I don't remember what the shot was, but we had to say something in a foreign language before taking it. I can't feel feelings anymore.

Lights out again. I ask to be carried to the last stop, someone does, I don't remember who.

11:30ish: 6th stop. Mexico. There is a snack, but I don't remember what it was. I briefly looked at it then drank another beer. Sasha falls down in a hallway. Ken Doll helps her up. Twice. Twin Set and I begin to wrestle again. I'm not sure why. I realize half of the group has not left Serbia. The cops come. Everyone is too drunk to care and try to vote who has to talk to them. I inform Smash the cops are there, he says "come here", we walk into his bathroom, he stares at me and then goes to the door to speak with them. Not sure what the delay was about. I climb up my friends tall sister like I'm a koala and she's a tree. She loves it. I inform everyone that the only think I'll be arrested for is "being awesome". I decide I'm too drunk to live and scream for us all to take the shot. That's when I'm informed there is none, it's an "upside down margarita" that needs poured in your mouth. No thanks. Several of us walk to Bar Louie. Someone carries me again. Not sure who.

12:00ish: Bar Louie. Last stop. I am looking through one eye. I'm too drunk to see, but order a beer anyway. Twin Set declares she's going home. Things are quickly falling apart. I start to beg Becks for his house key. He finally relents and I zip it gingerly into the front pocket of my fanny pack. I explain to the waiter "I ordered this beer, but I don't want it now. I haven't touched it so just put it back." He looks to Becks and Becks agrees to just pay for it. I stumble out past the second wave of our people coming in before "hook up hour" can commence. I want bed and I want it meow.

12:15?: I scurry my way to Becks'. I am shouting for Twin Set in the parking lot, but they are long gone. I must look like a fucking crazy person. I make my way up what I hope is the right stairwell. I stop at the door wondering where I put the key. I look in my fanny pack. Excellent! I get inside and proceed to trip over a pair of shoes and eat shit. I take my Uggs off and realize all my stuff is at Twin Set's. Great. I'm too drunk to walk, let alone walk down there. I wrangle up some shorts and a t out of some random drawers at Becks'. I neglect to take a single drink of water. Super smart. I crawl into bed leaving enough room for Sasha. The sheets feel like kittens. I don't remember anything after this.

7:30amish: I am rolling from side to side in a world of pain. My head is pounding, I'm on the verge of barf, I have no idea where I am. I wake Becks up and tell him I'm so not ok. He says "well, just sleep for like 3 more hours, you'll be fine." I can't live. I try to sleep, it doesn't work. He hands me water and some pills. I take them and go back to sleep for EXACTLY 3 more hours.

10:30am: I wake up thinking my phone is making noise. It's next to my head, plugged in. I have no idea how it got there. It just has a black screen. Shit. I feel slightly better, but fear sitting up. I ask for food. Becks says "I have some almonds". I'm shattered and wish Becks didn't care about his health and had some Lucky Charms or Doritos. I ask where Sasha and Travis are. He says he thinks Sasha is at Twin Set's and Travis ".... um, he drove home". I'm hungover, furious, starving to death and then my Mom calls. So far, worst morning ever. I tell her I'm in too much pain to deal. Twin Set had texted me an hour before stating she was awake. I call, but she and Squint are too destroyed to help me. I text Travis and beg him to bring me a pop. By noon all I have had is 5 almonds, a bite of protein bar, a cup of coffee and a few drinks of Diet Coke. I'm beyond starving.

Noon: I decide that to survive, I need a Sarnie Sandwich or Chipotle. I go to Twin Sets and gather my belongings throwing on some sweats and a hoodie. I am too drunk still to decide which to eat. I drive past the Sarnie Shoppe and decide I want that so I go back around the block. I sit in my car and reason I have had a lot of burritos lately and this will be good. I order my sammy and ignore all the "you look like hell" looks. I go home and eat the shit out of that thing.

2:30pm: I have a half hour before the Bears game starts. I am still hungry. I actually get off my fat ass and go to Chipotle and get a burrito bowl. You read that right. I had BOTH. I almost fall down in the Chipotle parking lot. Look around, nobody saw. I go back to my home on hangover island and gobble down half that bowl and pretty much a whole 2 liter of Diet Coke. I don't get off that end of the recliner couch for anything but more food or to pee for the rest of the evening.

I have many mysterious bruises, my neck is sore and my middle finger on my right hand feels sprained. I assume someone tried to break it off when I used it in rage.

I still.... have not had one drink of water since Saturday morning. Pretty sure my insides are currently turning to dust. Around the World and straight to the grave.

Duckwatch 2011: 38 Weeks And Counting

Duckers,

Your Mom has recently proved nothing will stop her from getting done what she needs to get done in a day. Also, your Father needs to keep the ringer of his phone on at all times. That's all I really have to report on those two.

Your cousin is just tearing it up in the laughing department. I hope this encourages you to start laughing really early because the only thing I can imagine better than a giggling baby is TWO giggling babies.

Other that that, you are right on schedule and still cold kickin' it live up in the womb. You have started to turn down for your big debut, which is exciting. You are now about 20 inches long and 7lbs roughly. You can grasp things too! Creepy. I hope you don't come out with long fingernails. That will freak me out a tiny bit.

Other than that, please try not to arrive tomorrow night because I have a pretty intense party to attend and I don't want to be the friend that is smashed when you decide to start working your way into the world. Though.... that would make for a fun blog. Also, the Bears are playing the Packers in an epic showdown Sunday so...let's hold off til next week at the very soonest. Anyway, keep practicing all your baby stuff and get big, get big, get big!!!!

Eat you up I love you so. xoxoxo
Me

RIP Lotus. You Look Like A Pretty Barbie Laptop

Aww, purple Lotus phone.... what can I say.

We've had an amazing 22 months together. That's longer than some marriages. A 22 month old child can run around and call you names already.

You didn't do anything that terrible to me. You were a great phone. You stood by me when everyone called you names and me an idiot for buying you. You faithfully woke me up with that terribly annoying, high-pitched, bullshit alarm. Even on the mornings I was still ass over tea kettle from the night before.

You lit up my life with the trolley bell for every text, letting me know how popular and adored I am. What if the new phone doesn't have that noise? How will I know what the fuck is going on?

You took super flattering pictures of my cleavage to text out to randoms when I had too many Coors Lights. Just the right amount of pixels to make me look sweet, but sexy.

Even after all the times I have dropped you getting out of the car or threw you across the room because I was sick of being texted (ugh, just so popular). All those times I ignored a call or text and then lied and said you didn't receive it..you kept the secrets... you stood by me.

I took your trusty plastic cover off yesterday so you can spend your last few days of service sleek and free and pretty. Like brushing a dog every day until it's dirt nap vet appointment arrives.

I want you to know that green phone will never mean as much to me as you did.

Unless it's better than you. In which case, I never liked you.

Let's just make these last few days special. So stop turning yourself off and back on like an asshole.

xoxoxox

Full Term Duck

Duckface,


It's officially "Duckwatch 2011" at this point.


Your father is on point and ready. He even forwarded me the email he receives from babycenter.com updating him on pregnancy info. He did threaten me regarding a girl name for you last week, but I really don't sweat him attempting bodily harm on me. He sends me pics of you and your Mom when she looks particularly pregnanty. They took infant CPR (just in case, no worries) and when I asked your Dad about it his response was "If I need to give you CPR for some reason, is it infant or adult?". I made him promise to alert me the second your Mom has her first contraction. A few hours later, he did a "test" on me for laughs. I didn't. He's becoming a real jokester, that one. If I could, I would insert an eye rolling emoticon here. Then regret that immediately and remove it. Moving on.

Your Mom is pretty much the same. Gorgeous. Glowing. Nesting. Crazy. They had a hospital tour and sent me a picture so I can mentally grasp where everyone will be. I also saw your official photo shoot and your parents get more attractive every day. It's sickening. Every time I call your Mom I think she's going to be taking it easy and sitting down, but noooo. She's on her way to work or a dinner or interview or something. At this point, I assume you're going to be born somewhere on the 10 West or 3rd Street Promenade. Good thing your Mom works at a lot of hospitals.

Littlest Duckling, you are 37 weeks!!!!! Officially considered FULL TERM. You have fully developed lungs, you are around 7 lbs and 20 inches long. Now, you haven't turned your head down. I asked you to consider this last week. You don't have to do it right this second, but just start thinking about it. In the name of safety for all involved, I relented on demanding you arrive on Feb 13. Your Mom and I have now agreed that Feb 1 would be an ideal delivery date for you. Can you write that in your planner? It is my Grandmother's birthday, your Nana and Poppa will be there the next day, and it is 3 days after a super rowdy Around the World drinking party here, so my hangover will officially be gone. My worst fear is that you try to arrive during this party. Specifically the parts where I'm blacked out. Please don't do that.

Ok, well, good talk. I have to get back to other forms of time theft at work, so until next week, keep on keepin on, practice breathing and blinking, and get big, get big, get big!! And remember, you have my cell. If you decide to start your exit and your Dad forgets, call or text.

Eat you up I love you so xoxox
Me

It's The End Of The World As We Know It.... And I Actually Do Feel Fine.

So....

1. Mass amounts of birds started to fall from the sky in different parts of the world.
2. Large amounts of fish started to die in places as well.
3. Some sort of giant ...thing streaked across the sky in the South. Possibly a meteor.
4. Adam H Newman is floundering and asking me for advice.
5. Our old guy roommate from LA called me last night for advice and support as well.
6. I'm totally happy, healthy, content and busy planning my future while trying to also enjoy the present.

.... do I wait for official word of the Apocalypse or just start planning my party now? Because something is CLEARLY going on.

That Sunset Makes Me Want To Cry

Ok, fuck the post below I suppose. I should remain present. And in light of certain events, it's count my blessings/think about some of the things I love time.

1. Mini pecan pie tarts

2. Random texts from my cousin about Twilight

3. Buffalo chicken dip

4. Nicest roommate in the whole world. That finally shaved his beard

5. My bestie is about to have a big, healthy baby duck

6. Daily emails about goats and "frow up"

7. Textsfromlastnight

8. All my big hoodies and sweats

9. My 2nd Mom made it through neck surgery ok. Then used 'rents in a text to me about her parents

10. Apricot sugarcane body butter

11. Singing at the top of my lungs in the shower, office, my car. I'm awesome

12. this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCto3PCn8wo can't not SMILE!!

13. The bunny that runs my block peeking out from under his pine tree on my drive home.

14. Jumping on the couch til Ken Doll finally laughs

15. Stretching out really far across my bed. Especially in the morning

16. My vibrator

17. Getting ROWDY with the gang

18. Baby giggles

19. Being thrown a bone of hope

20. I have perfectly shaped breasts

21. I finally found a toothpaste that works without tasting like ass

22. My hair. Oh, how it shines

23. I got carded twice by the same waiter Saturday night

24. I am so full of love and happiness sometimes its awkward

25. Seeing my breath while standing and watching the sun set over the snow today outside

I love my life. I'm happy to be here. I'm having a great time!

I'm Going To Zone Out For About 2 Months

I do actually like the way it looks outside right now with clear roads and the sun shining on the snow, BUT I was at Meijer yesterday and amongst the Valentine's Day decorations were the first Daffodils and Hyacinths of the season!!!! Of course I stopped to smell because Hyacinths are my favorite flower. They also made me realize that once New Years is over, it's a straight shot towards Spring!

Yes, I know that in between is February which should be my favorite month with DUCKY, Birthday, Valentine's, Award Season and Superbowl, but whatevs. Spring! Get here!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. For now...

Resolutions Are For Assholes

I'm not really one for resolutions anymore. It's just setting yourself up for utter fail hards. I do like to think about where I was that time the previous year and I have marveled at how much better some things are. And that's what it's really about. Better shit! Best you can do is hope for the best. That's a fucking bumper sticker right there. Here's what I think....


This is the year I:

- Get a different job and move away from Ohio.
- Finish 2 entire scripts.
- Let my hair grow Kardashian long.
- Keep my ass from getting Kardashian fat.
- Let myself cry every time I feel moved to tears. (in a happy way)
- Try to be a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and if it comes my way, girlfriend.
- Look at my day planner at least once a week for ALL 52 weeks of the year.
- Give away at least a quarter of my clothes. I mean it.
- Buy and wear more heels. I mean that too.
- Stop. Destroying. My. Cuticles. I stopped biting my nails, I can DO this.


This is the year I really try to:

- Do at least 5 minutes of SOME sort of working out EVERY day.
- Keep mail and paperwork and bills organized. (I did decent last year. Not great. Decent)
- Make it an even better Summer than last. May be impossible!
- Put at least $5 in my savings account from every check. I mean... that's less than Chipotle.
- Eat more fruit. I really need to do that. I'm going to get scurvy.
- Drink more red wine. It's so good for you!
- Give the "really nice guy" a second glance.
- Smile and hum one line of a song every morning I wake up. Even if I want to cry and be mute.
- See more live music. Even the shitty bands.
- Say the word FUCK less.

This could be the year I:

- Meet the guy I'm going to marry. Who then divorces me.
- Don't overdraw my checking account buying a burrito bowl or Starbucks.
- Get a bunny!
- Get knocked up! By Landon Donovan!
- Stop loving Vampire themed shit.
- Get that armpit lypo I've always wanted.
- Find my Coldplay Rush of Blood to the Head CD.
- Don't pass out drunk on the 4th of July.
- Complete The Pounder challenge at the Sarnie Shoppe. Without barfing.
- Totally figure life out.

Ah, hope. Gotta love it! And January 1st always gives you a nice big dose.

Baked Duck

Ok Duckface. It's the home stretch!!

Your Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle T were there for Christmas. Uncle T got to watch New Moon and seemed VERY excited about it. He was also introduced to my old neighborhood and your Mom told him all about the pesto pasta she loved to eat at my house. I'm sure he was thrilled. They had some troubles finding a flight home, so you almost spent New Years with them as well!

Your Father has apparently been taking notes from your Mom in some departments. I heard today that he called Restoration Hardware and lost his shit while demanding your crib arrive on time. I pray that this is not over-exaggerated because imagining it makes me extremely happy inside. I would have paid good money to watch that call take place. I bet his hair didn't budge an inch. I would have been in the background cheering him on and opening beers for him. I mean, pouring him tea. When I asked your Mom where you were going to sleep, (I suggested dresser drawer or laundry basket to keep it classy) she said "Eh, I don't know, probably the stroller". Don't let all the RH furniture fool you, you're already white trash. Embrace it.

It's pretty official that your Mother is going to remain a crazy, energetic animal right up until your birth. Hopefully not during, but who knows. You know where you were on New Years Day? The Rose Bowl. The fricking Rose Bowl!!! No matter how air tight strong your Dad's hair is, I doubt it could protect her from tens of thousands of rabid, drunk college football fans. The best part about that is when I asked her how you reacted she said "Oh, I was jumping around screaming the whole time so I think the baby was just over it and went to sleep." ....great. I feel so calm about that. Also, I have been on this planet for 33 years and you already have a cooler life than I do and you haven't even exited your Mom yet.

You!!! You are almost 36 weeks bro! About 6 lbs and about 18 or so inches. You know what else that means? You are basically fully baked! You're still getting fat and practicing your blinking and your sucking, but if you were born right now, you would be just fine. I don't encourage this. Your crib isn't here, you'll have to sleep in some rando spot, you don't have a girl name, and I would really like you to hold out (or in) til my birthday. That should also give your Mom more time to just get restless instead of being terrified.

So, another thing littlest Duckling, we need to discuss how your cousin is really upstaging you. I mean, it's not a competition and everyone who knows you both has enough love to go around, but I'm just saying. You are being born into a family of insanely loud, intense people. Until I have my eventual baby with genes from one of your Uncles, it's just going to be you and your cousin battling for first place. I have been trying to talk over your Mother for years and even as loud as I am... it's challenging.

Here are some things your cousin does to grab attention:

1. Blinks
2. Stares
3. Moves her hands while staring at them
4. Cries
5. Arches her back. Sometimes while whining
6. Sucks on the arm of whoever is holding her
7. Barfs
8. Smiles (this is huge, learn this early)

Here are my suggestions for you to steal the spotlight:

1. Bring up sports. Especially corruption in sports.
2. Mention politics, claim to be a hardcore Democrat
3. Hum a Dave Matthews Band song
4. Mention how your eyesight is better than perfect (works for me every time)
5. Win 3 consecutive rounds of Scattergories (Almost impossible as your Papa cheats)
6. Suggest Pagliai's Pizza for dinner
7. Say you just used up the rest of the Captain Morgan's Rum
8. Walk or talk first. I know that's a lot to ask as she's going to have at least 4 months on you, but come on!! You can do it! Don't be lazy!

Since we're getting so close, I may start talking to you weekly now. Let's see if there's anything to say other than how nervous/excited I am!! Until then, consider what I've said and please start moving your head down. It's time for that according to the books. And continue to get big, get big, get big!!

Eat you up I love you so xoxox
Me