People keep asking me if I feel any older now that I'm 35. Not in the slightest. I mean, aside for the dull pain of my bones turning to dust, but that's pretty manageable. I don't know if I have anything real to share, or if I've learned anything valuable. But here are some pearls for your smarts necklace.
1. Save your money. Every little bit (or big bit) you can. Because whether you need it for a surgery or a last minute Mexico drunkfest, you'll never miss all that other dumb shit you bought with it.
2. You are what you eat. You actually are. Eat well. If you think your body runs pretty awesome on McDonald's and pasta, wait til you put some vegetables and water in it. You won't regret it. Sure, treat yourself. Just don't treat yourself with shit for years at a time.
3. Hair is flammable. Extremely. Fucking. Flammable. All the hair on your body. Please be careful in college.
4. If you think guys love bitches, it's because they do. But if you think being a bitch to control a guy's mind will make you happy, underneath, it won't. And you'll become as uncaring about everything as you are about him. Don't be pathetic, have your self respect, but be nice. Care. And if he wants someone else because they're a "better challenge", then let him go. And burn his fucking clothes.
5. Find something that soothes you. Music, art, reading, movies, yoga, whatever. Have something that you can do all by yourself that makes and keeps you calm. You will need it in times of loneliness or anger.
6. Find something that inspires and excites you. And do that. Often. If you can make money off of it, awesome. But don't turn it into something that exists to provide your living. Keep it fun.
7. When you fuck up, and you will, just learn to say you're sorry. Even if it wasn't your fault, even if there's an explanation, just say it. There is a difference between being a martyr and taking responsibility to move forward. People just want to hear that you're sorry. They like that in their ears.
8. Get buck wild. Find one, unconditional, solid, North Star of a friend to hold your kite string tight and just fucking go for it. I'm not talking drugs and prostitution (necessarily), and remember there are people on the planet that look up to you, don't do it in front of them, but have some fun. Have a lot of fucking fun.
9. Don't give so much of a shit what people think and say. Who the fuck do they think they are anyway?
10. It's never a bad idea to keep a clean pair of underwear around. Glove compartment, purse, trunk. Because you may get your unexpectedly early lady time. Or hook up some night. Orrrr you may shit yourself.
11. Tell people THANK YOU. Get them little gifts, send them a card, text, email, whatever. Appreciation is underrated. Even when it's random.
12. Have one person you can tell absolutely every single thing to and hear every single thing from. If they still like you and you still like them, this is your best friend. Hold on to them. Make many friends, but keep this one close.
13. Play. Play a sport, play an instrument, play the stock market, play cards, play board games, play hide and seek, wrestle around. And do one, more or all of these your whole life. Keep a playing mind and body.
14. Seduce someone. Learn the power of your sexuality so you know how to wield it mercifully.
15. Experiment. Dabble. Eat weird food, do weird things, be friends with weird people. Diversity is very good for the soul. Nobody likes an ignorant bore.
16. Eat an entire Edward's Key Lime Pie by yourself. Even if it takes you a week. (It takes me about 3 days. Have elastic pants handy.)
17. Whether your parents are the nicest people alive or complete assholes. Tolerate them.
18. Cry. If you're happy, if you're sad, let it out. Don't make a spectacle, try not to do it in a professional setting, but have yourself a good ol bawlfest. It's refreshing. Snot will happen. But who doesn't get a raging boner from a snot-faced girl?
19. Smile at people you pass. Even if you know they're dicks.
20. Make a fool of yourself. For love or a child's laughter. These are the 2 best reasons I've done it.
21. Pay attention to nature. Feel awakened by a sunrise, love every second of a sunset, find shapes in the clouds, stomp through crunchy leaves, make out with someone in the rain, stay up and watch the lightning, lie down in grass and watch the ladybugs, search for 4 leaf clovers, skip rocks, swim in lakes, stare at the ocean. Puke in a parking lot. Just get outside.
22. Travel. Not just to vacation spots. Go to random towns, random bars, random grocery stores, cheap hotels, see the country you live in as a tourist just as you would a foreign place.
23. Paint your fingers and toes, you dirty tramp. Paint em up!
24. Slow down when driving. Where do you really need to go that fast?! Tickets and accidents are for assholes. And let people in on the freeway. That one extra car length will not be the 20 feet that ruins your day.
25. Be compassionate. Learn to be compassionate every step of the way.
26. Find your porn. Whether it's soccer, naked fatties, girl on girl, whatever's clever. Find your porn and when you're stressed and you can't think of anything that would feel better than punching a bitch, jack it instead. Not only does it tire you out, but orgasms oxygenate your brain. This is true shit, I watched a study on the Discovery Channel. You want a fresh perspective on something? Sleep or sex. I know which one I would choose.
27. But speaking of sleep, do that for big decisions. Sleep one night. See what the morning brings.
28. Be good to animals. Feed some chickens, pet a horse, hold a bunny, walk a dog, don't tell a goat it's ugly (to it's face). Just be kind to them. They deserve it.
29. FLOSS.
30. Hold a baby until it falls asleep in your arms. You will never forget that. I have never experienced anything better than caring for a child.
31. Being family is not just about blood, DNA or a piece of legal documentation. The love that binds you is what makes you family.
32. Show affection. Hug, kiss, touch, hold hands, give noogies to the people you care about. For one reason or another, they will be absent from your life. For a period of time or forever. And you will always wish you had hugged them or kissed them more or had the memory of smell from being closer to them. Hug and kiss. Just do it. Even if they say they hate it. Smother the shit out of them.
33. Forgive. Know that forgiveness frees up your spirit to take on or enjoy other things. Forgiveness isn't about taking shit, or taking blame, or being a stinky hippie, or giving in or being weak. Is about understanding that mistakes, no matter how big or small or hurtful, are a part of life. And you'll make some of your own some day.
34. Find the happiness in everything. When it seems there is none to be found, make it. And if all else fails, put on some Stevie Wonder and Steve Winwood. The Steve's will help.
35. Love and laugh. With everything you've got. You will not regret it, I promise you.
And I would know, I'm half way to 70. I'm wise like whoa.
