Those Quads Are Now Single? GOAL!!

Best news I've received in 2010 so far?? (Besides about babies, relax)

LANDON DONOVAN FINALLY FILED FOR DIVORCE!! I mean, they have only been separated for over a year. No time like the present. Now that we'll be able to go public with our love, I hope he stops banging English chicks when on loan to Everton. Also, he should probably cover up that stupid humming bird tat with my face asap as it signifies monogamy and we know he could and did not live up to that ideal (as no man alive can).

I'm also hoping he didn't finally pull this trigger because he has other tail waiting on the sidelines. We all know how men love to juggle. I've got a few flaming batons in the air myself, so I'm not TOO mad at Lannycakes, but enough is enough. I think we should finally stop loaning each other out to foreign clubs, commit to one team (the team of love, duh), and start practicing our epic righty twine snipe celli into the future together.

Before I run home to start packing my shit to move back to LA, here's a little photo tribute to the only man with a receding hairline and brown eyes that I could ever possibly love. You're welcome.

Just being super fast, no big deal.

Scoring the most American goal ever.

"fffffffuck yes, I'll live in sin with you forever!"

Shirtless All-Star

If there's something dreamier than him on the beach in a white T...

"Deuces ladies, I'm a one loud-mouthed Irish girl kinda guy now."

"Maybe you should come snuggle..."

Pet Me, Please

I doubt I will be blogging again before Christmas so I wanted to give everyone a big dose of Holiday cheer in the form of a little fuzzy animal wearing a Santa hat. Fuck, bunnies are so cute they make me want to scream!!!

Happy Holidays!!!!

"Please remove this hat from my head... it's humiliating."

You In Weeks, Me In Years

Hello Your Royal Duckness,


What up? I mean, aside for your parents being total maniacs and all.


Your father sent me a few pilots for reference to write my own. Or, his assistant sent them to me. She's very nice and I hope she tolerates your Dad long enough to meet you. I then sent him the gift that keeps on giving. The link to http://dadsonvacation.tumblr.com/ . He then gave me the ALL CAPS treatment in a follow up email informing me that I could be writing a TV show with the time I spend on meaningless comedy sites. He's got a point, but I told him to save the yelling for when you're born. Babies need yelled at. As much as he has called me for help with your Mother in the past, I'm sure he will be calling me for help with you and like the Saint I am, I will be there to oblige. In all lower case. He means well.


Your Mother. Ugh, this one. I know it's just me being a worrier, but the woman is terrifying. She. Never. Stops. Moving. I don't know if she's been clued in yet, but as your Uncle T pointed out "Does she know she's growing a person inside her?". I get that she's nesting and all, but jeez. The only thing I can say is she has switched from heels to Reebok EasyTones. A step in the right direction. Last night, I was on the phone with her and she just yelled "Someone's at my door, I have to go!". Then, about 20 minutes later, I went into crazy panic mode that it was a stranger and they killed her. I texted to make sure this didn't happen and she informed me it was just your Christmas tree being delivered so.... I'm actually not sure who is more psycho at this point, your Mom or me. I may need anti-anxiety meds when it gets closer to your due date. No joke.


You are now 33 weeks baked! You are getting to be a little fatty and very concentrated on gaining weight. As you do, your wrinkled alien skin is going to start turning from red to perfect pink and you'll look less like a monster. (here's to hoping!) You are around 5lbs and 18 inches long! Your Mom recently took a breast feeding class so... good luck with that when you arrive. Ick. After that class, your Dad thought it would be cool to feed her some MSG so they got Chinese food. Your Mom's fortune had one word on it for her to learn in Chinese.... Daughter. If that's not a sign that I'm right and you're a little girl, I don't know what is! Evidence is mounting!

No matter what you are, I can NOT wait to meet you. I wanna smother you with kisses and take 500 pictures of you! I can't wait to battle your Grandpa for time spent holding you! I can't wait to watch your Dad attempt to change your diaper! We are going to have so much fun, little Duckling. So much fun. Get big, Get big, Get big.

Eat you up I love you so,

xoxo me

You Probably Spent Five Bucks On That. You Could Have Just Bought A Pack of Smokes.

Even though it's completely ass cold outside (Not sure what ass cold really is as my car thermometer is so pissed at winter that it refuses to even attempt to tell me the temperature unless it's above 25 degrees anymore), I just stopped in my tracks for about 4 good seconds to stare at something. A sticker on the back of a minivan at my work depicting Calvin of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes pissing on.... the word Terrorists. I can't decide who or what to attack first over this.

First, I am half tempted to start walking around the building to find the owner of said minivan. Having such a vehicle gives off the idea that you have one or more children that require carting around. Do you think that's a healthy image for them to constantly see when they are inevitably turned around, without seat belts, making obscene gestures at cars driving behind you? Because I assume those are the kind if animals you're raising. And which terrorists? Anarchists? Nationalists? Communists? Emotional? Musical? Nickelback? If you're going to get a pissing Calvin decal, can't it be more specific? They sell THOUSANDS of different ones. You can even make your own online. Not that I like terrorists, in fact I prefer they just be imprisoned or killed. Pissing on them just wastes time violating their human rights. Why not just get an American Flag sticker instead? Or at the very least, a sticker that reads "I Hate Terrorists". Or, (since feedback on my I Hate video blog has been mostly people concerned with me saying that word and also fearing I'm going down a path of anger) maybe one that reads "Terrorists Seriously Bum Me Out". That's a sticker I could totally appreciate. Terrorism is always a bummer. I may even give you a high five in the hall seeing that one. If your hands are clean. Also, if you don't have kids to put in that minivan, feel free to drive it right onto the scale to scrap because it's hideous and makes you look like a pedophile.

Secondly, the guy that came up with this whole sticker in the first place. I really don't feel like this is what Bill Watterson intended Calvin to ever be doing when he drew him. And if this sticker maker was smart enough to patent this ridiculous idea somehow, how filthy RICH is this person? What an asshole. I turned to Google for the answer, but I'm a page one limit kind of girl when researching shit this dumb/infuriating. Plus if I know his name, and I'm SURE it's a man, I may start sending threatening male to their giant residence out of jealousy. If I were the inventor of such a fucking ridiculous sticker, you bet your sweet ASS I would be on page one of Google letting everyone know this is where my fortune originated. Plus, I would have pissing Calvin stickers on all of my Range Rovers depicting him urinating on stuff like "Regular Jobs", "Hard, Honest Work", "Being Poor". The real inventor is probably too busy tinkering with this fleet of Sea Doos (because that's what I imagine someone this jerkish would buy with his money) in Key West to care whether anyone knows his identity or not. Asshole.

Lastly, I would put a gallery of some of the truly maddening Calvin pissing stickers I have viewed on Google images here, but that's just buying more meth foils for it's evil genius inventor so I will leave you with a hilarious article from The Onion regarding the subject and a fabulous cartoon from Toothpaste for Dinner which properly expresses my feelings on the matter. If I had just smoked a fat joint. http://www.theonion.com/articles/peeing-calvin-decals-now-recognized-as-vital-chann,386/

This. Is. Bullshit!!

Um... let me get this straight....

Looking at the Kings of Leon website, they don't tour in the United States until mid to late July? And that's not even ON the tour schedule, I'm just guessing they will come back here after Europe. WHAT. THE. FUCK. You release a new CD and then spend the summer touring EUROPE? Europe. Really? Really?!? Because Europe is so free-wheelin' and awesome?!

Just this little thing, this one snag in my Summer "plans" (because if you want to hear God laugh, tell him yours.) has me ALL sorts of pissed off. ALL THE PISSED.

Tosh.0 hate blog coming or a Kevin McArthur rant video coming. Maybe a mash up of the two if you fucks aren't careful. I feel it. Stay tuned.

That Guy In Home Alone Ended Up Reuniting With His Family! Probably Because of His Beard!

In honor of my discovery that my friend Becks has Tucker Max's new book Assholes Finish First, I'm going to do another drunken weekend rundown.

Friday

6:30pm - I had decided it was the week from Hell, I needed to look cute and go have cocktails with my friend (we'll call her Berry for this entry) and the boys at Becks' before they go to CollegeTownUSA to watch some random band they love. I'm not going, I want to take it easy to be ready for Terrific Ladies Night tomorrow.

7:45pm - I am drunk, now going with them and telling Berry she's a shitty friend if she doesn't go with me using lines like "Even Squint is going! He never goes anywhere! Plus, those 2 dudes that just showed up with the sketchy Volcom hoodies and crooked hats freak me out. Don't make me be the only girl!!". This works. She goes. She talks me into eating a piece of pizza first. It is delicious.

9:30pm ish? - We are at a bar I always call "Wood Floor Bar with the bags game". The Cocktail has met up with us and brought some girl that is far too tan for Winter who doesn't like Travis' beard. Tells him that men with beards are lonely. Squint can't stop talking about how trashy the bartender is and that her dress is ridiculous. A guy walks in that seems to know Flick, I say he's the first cute guy I've seen all night. He turns his head and reveals 3 lines shaved in the side of it and a "diamond" earring. Wooops. Squint laughs and points in my horrified face.

10:00pm (let's just put an ish after all times from here on out.) - We are in a brick bar that serves tall boys. There is a band playing in the back room. I tell Flick "Oh, they are pretty good!" and he informs me this isn't the band we're here to watch. Berry sits down on a picnic table to stop partying for the night. I begin to survey the room for someone she can play with to cheer her up.

11:30pm? - Berry is crying? I can't tell as I am drunk enough to have to look through one eye only. I see a nerd dancing and singing to the band. I declare that I should go kiss him. Flick says "I went to high school with him. You would probably be like.. the 4th girl that has EVER kissed him. Do it. You're like a make out fairy". There is a song playing about putting your middle finger in the air. The entire crowd is doing it so I do too. A guy and a girl are making out next to me. I purposely bump into them and laugh. Go to a bathroom stall, you two.

Lights out.

1:30am? - I am in a diner waiting for a cab. Only Squint and Berry are there. I don't know where the other boys are. I become violently hungry and declare that I will punch anyone who steps to me in the face for a cheeseburger. Squint and I order a grilled cheese and he starts videotaping the waitress. She gets pissed and asks him to stop. We laugh at her. There is a kid behind me sitting down with at least 8 pieces of toast. I now start loudly saying "how can someone just sit there with that much toast, see a small girl that's SO hungry, and not offer her any?" Squint walks outside to tell me the name of the diner we are in, walks back in and all he says is "I can't read". Not that he couldn't see the sign, he couldn't read it. We discuss stealing a loaf of bread near by, but I decide it's too well lit in there for that kind of crime. Our grilled cheese arrives the same time as the cab. I make my half disappear while standing on the sidewalk waiting to get in.

Lights out.

Come to: There are 5 of us in the back of this cab. There is some sort of epic negotiation happening using ketchup packets for waffle cut fries. I know there is grabbing and a bit of yelling. I don't recall if I scored any fries. Berry calls us Pilgrims and Indians. Did they negotiate? I feel like the Pilgrims won.

Lights out. I woke up safely in my own bed at 9:30am. I am starving and want to watch The League finale. I do that.

Saturday

I starve to death all morning until Travis gets it together enough to take me to food. He decides to pick up Flick even through my "LEAVE HIM!!" protest. I attempt to eat my burrito bowl in peace watching Scarface, but nooooo. Assholes (Berry and my other friend Twin Set) torture me until I go shopping with them. I go and bitch the entire time in hopes to get dropped off early. This works. They keep shopping. I try to take another nap, but they call or text the entire time. Hate fills my soul.

6:30ish pm - I decide it's time to party the hate away. There is a storm coming, so those assholes decide "maybe we just have a calm Terrific Ladies Night at my house instead." The hate returns. I'm ready to booze and dance. I am sidetracked by a second offer of the day for Chipotle and calm down enough to go with them when they come get me.

7:30 pm - We are in line for food, going to just go to Twin Set's and drink and eat and do make up (for real). I forgot I had arranged to party with my friend Ken Doll. He calls, Twin Set grabs the phone and invites him to TLN. He says he's picking up wine and he'll be there. We take bets on when or if he ever arrives. When we get back to the apartment, I decide to have a shower (and shower beer) in preparation for the evening. While getting my make up done, Ken shows up with wine and a book "in case I get sick of listening to you girls". Impressive.

9:00ish pm - Ken informs us that he has taken some class called "Rest and Relaxation" in college. More commonly known as "How to lie so you can touch girls shoulders and necks once they have had lots of wine". I hope he got an imaginary 4.0. Once my neck is sufficiently "rested and relaxed", Twin Set says she's tired, Berry wants to go home, Sasha and Ken and I decide we're heading to the bar for pool and dancing even though we're wearing sweats and hoodies. Our make up looks great.

11:00ish pm? - I'm housed. We are having a great time playing pool and observing some drunken fool who has been married a month stumble around. Flick and Travis show up still in their ugly sweaters from a party.

Lights out.

1:00am? - I decide it's time to go. I don't know if Sasha has left yet or not, but I flip out on Ken Doll when he says he's going to drive. We leave to walk back to Twin Set's. He pulls an orange plastic construction marker stick out of the ground on the way to fence with me. I run to pull my own out to defend myself. He tries to bring his in to Twin Set's apartment. I grab it and throw it down outside. I search her house for blankets and come up with bath robes. She wakes up when I loom over her bed. She hands me several blankets and apparently shorts though I don't remember asking for them or putting them on. I reach up to put my hair in a ponytail.

Too much wine. Lights totally out.

I think I fell asleep on the big couch, but wake up on the small couch. Twin Set is standing over me telling me to wake up and look at the snow. I hate her. Ken Doll looks like he hates her. Just to get her to stop talking, I agree to run errands with her. I realize about half way through these errands that I am still drunk and have the shakes. By the time I return home, there is nothing to do but shower and lie down. I do both and that's all she wrote.

Best part of the weekend? Becks' fb status update on Saturday morning that read "I refuse to listen to a girl who draws her conclusions from watching Home Alone." - Travis. I am told this refers to the girl on Friday night who said lonely guys grow beards. I laugh and I laugh. Go tan some more, skank. Beards rule.

Elizabeth Smart

I don't normally address serious issues on this blog, but something happened today that definitely warrants a STFD shout out. Elizabeth Smart's kidnapper was found guilty.

I remember being in Los Angeles working on Music Videos and seeing the news break about Elizabeth being taken from her home. It was on CNN every day. I remember so many close calls being reported and speculation that she was still alive even though that seemed a small possibility considering the statistics involving kidnapping victims and their survival rates after the first few days.

I can't even begin to imagine the fear that a shy, quiet, religious, 14 year old girl must have felt being taken and held like that. Then, all the close calls. Hearing people yell your name in the woods searching for you. An actual police officer not lifting the veil you were concealed under. The FBI not following up on a tip regarding your location. Every day... just thinking this is your life now, you'll never see your family again. That heartbreak is beyond my comprehension.

My friends and I were as obsessed with Elizabeth as the rest of the nation at the time she went missing. So many months passed though, and it seemed like she would just fade away. I will never forget the call from my Producer at the time, 9 months after she was taken. "They found her! Alive!" was all she said into the phone and I knew exactly who she meant. I had never met her, her family, or anyone who knew her, but tears of relief rolled down my face.

Maybe it was relief caused by seeing the grief her family was going through on the news and knowing it had ended. Hearing them say "maybe if I hadn't burned dinner and needed to open a window. Maybe if I had locked that kitchen window, my child would be her right now" was excruciating. Maybe it was relief because a 14 year old girl could go on with her life, even if that life had drastically changed, she could go back to playing the harp and go to high school and college. Maybe it was because I remember nightmares when I was little about being separated from my Mom or lost and the absolute fear that strikes you if you feel you are missing and beyond finding. Maybe it was imagining it was my child and not knowing how I would go on with a moment of my life without searching for them, driving around looking for them, doing anything I could to find them. Whatever it was, I don't know that I had ever been more happy for a family as the Smart's that day she came home.

Now, 8 years later, Elizabeth finally sees justice. Just like I can't imagine the fear she must have felt being taken, I struggle to grasp the courage it took her to survive that 9 months of her life and the determination it took to sit in a courtroom with that man and describe the experience with calm clarity so that he would finally be punished. She could have gone on living and let the system handle him however they wanted. She could have been too ashamed to have spoken up and told her story about being raped on a daily basis. She could have lost her cool and broken down or been too afraid to testify. She could have decided to block out all those terrible memories all together. She could have just given up in 2002.

She didn't. And because Elizabeth Smart had the balls to endure the last 8 years like she did, hopefully Brian David Mitchell never sees freedom again. Behind the harp, the blond hair, the big blue eyes and the angel face, Elizabeth Smart is a real fucking badass.

Only Sixteen Days Left, Assholes!!!

Well people. It's that time. I just wanted to put my Christmas list out into the world so everyone knows what they should be spending their money on. Here goes.

1. A new job. One in Chicago that lets me pay rent, keep my car and still afford Forever21 clothing

2. All the Bumble and Bumble Thickening products. My hair obsesh has risen to new heights and since I have a luscious, healthy mane for the first time since I was in 5th grade, I'm taking care of this thing. I may even purchase a weave since half of my friends are now clipping this plastic shit onto their heads.

3. An armpit job. Boobs? No. Nose? Nah. These fat ass armpits have GOT to go.

4. Some sort of season pass to the 2011 Kings of Leon Summer Tour. Now that Dave Matthews Band has decided to take a Summer off, I need a new band to pretend to still be young to. (said pass should probably also come with a fat sack of weed either to smoke or sell for gas money. Stocking stuffer!)

5. Season 1 of The League on DVD. Now, you may want to consult with my roommate on this one because he is the world champion of downloading free shit off the Internet. You could just write on it with a Sharpie. Snazz it up a bit.

6. A digital camera. I should be just passing this on to one of my friends after Flick lost his that I borrowed on the epic trip to Columbus, but I would probably just keep it, then buy him one later when I remember. I'm nice like that.

7. A new TV. Don't get me wrong, I love my old school tube with the built in DVD player in my bedroom, it has served more than it's asked duties, but it's probably time I at least try to slip into the 90's and get a flat screen. A small one will do.

8. A pony. I ask every fucking year and every fucking year, nobody listens. Brown with a white strip on his chest, please.

9. For Duck's Dad to send me some damn writing concepts and for those concepts to flow out of my fingers into a pilot that sells for a trillion dollars. I don't think it's too much to ask.

10. A Roomba that A) Works for once. B) Scares away mice. C) Helps me with my writing. and D) Plays all my favorite music not unlike DJ Roomba as seen on Parks and Rec last season.

If you don't have time to pick any of this good shit up, then CA$H is always accepted! Along with HONOR$, YACHT$, CAR$ and LUXURIE$. If it's good enough for Kenny Powers, it's good enough for my Christmas present.

Thanks friends!

31 Weeks! Don't Ever Embarrass Your Uncle!

Hi Duck!


So.... I spent Thanksgiving with you and your family. In case you missed what was going on outside your Mom's belly, let me just fill you in. I'll go day to day.


Wednesday:


I arrived in late afternoon. The weather was terrible the last hour. Pretty much your whole family assumed I would end up in a ditch. Oh Jerks of little faith. Showed them!


I hung out with you, your Mom, your Aunt and Uncles, your Dad's hair, your Grandparents and your adorable cousin. She was brutally stripped out of my arms the second your Grandpa got home. We went out for dinner and then I agreed to go out on the town with your Uncle E, Uncle M and some cousins.


The night started out slow and steady. Then, in what seemed like an instant, your Uncle M had gone from the voice of reason to the voice screaming "DON'T EMBARRASS ME!!" in my face when I tried to refuse a shot that smelled minty. He also told me that we weren't leaving the bar "until they push us out". Then, when they attempted to do that very thing, he grabs me by the elbow and starts yelling "Let us out of here!" towards the bouncers as we exit the bar. I thought we would never get a cab, but I was wrong. I was wrong because some random drunk guy that your Uncle M knows happens to have an angel of a mother that lives directly around the corner from your Grandparents. She picked us all up, took your Uncle E home first, then dropped Uncle M and I off so we could sneak in the house and attempt to be quiet when I couldn't even successfully remove my own boots. It was a very fun night. Your poor Uncles damn near missed Thanksgiving due to their hangovers.

Thursday: Thanksgiving

We all have Thanksgiving dinner together and it was lovely. I sat next to you. I forgot to say I was thankful for you during speeches, but I'm pretty sure your parents covered it. Plus, I promised Gina Louise Hinkleman (shout out to Mom Cab!!).

We had cocktails and played some Scattergories. At times, it got pretty heated. Especially when your Aunt accused your most likely still drunk Uncle M of directly copying her answers. Everyone was nice and buzzed (I drink Captain now by the way, barf) and about to settle in when your Mom and Aunt decided to go to Old Navy at midnight when it opened. Freaks. I stayed behind and had more cocktails instead.

Friday: Black Friday

I narrowly escape early morning shopping. I got up and got ready with full intentions to go, but luckily, your Mom had mercy on me and said I could stay home and help Uncle M take care of your cousin. He, your Dad and I watched about 6 hours of Seinfeld straight, laughed, and ate some Chipotle. It was heaven. Your cousin got lazy about half way through the morning and slept most of the day. We had pizza and Christmas presents at night and then all hell broke loose when your Mom, Aunt and I wanted to play Eclipse instead of going out. Everyone got their way in the end, I went out with your Uncles, but not before we had one good round in! Your Mom and Aunt voted me "least likely to rush into marriage" on one of the turns. Pretty safe bet, wouldn't you say?

Saturday: Game Day

Big deal. Your Uncle A's last football game of the year. We all packed up and went to the Cities for that. I had to say good bye to your cousin which made me misty and dramatic. The game was so cold that the 3 beers, half bottle of cherry booze, and small bottle of Bailey's I consumed did not even TOUCH my sobriety. Again, ill prepared for the outdoors in Minnesota. The cold didn't matter though once the clock ticked down in the 4th quarter and the Gophers took hold of the Pig. Your Uncle A could NOT have possibly been happier and ran up into the stands to hug us all after the big win. Your Mom was bouncing around on icy bleachers to take pics of the celebration which made your Dad forget about how frozen he was long enough to hang on to her like a human safety harness. He also had an authentic team hat covering his luscious locks so he was practically unrecognizable.

That night we went back and celebrated with lots and lots of cousins. Then you and your Mom were kind enough to DD us to the bar. Always cool to have a pregnant friend around the holidays! Remember that. Sunday is sort of a blur because your Mom was rushing around in scary pregnant lady mode and I had to pack up and leave. Note to you and self: Do not ask about wrapping paper or anything else if your Mom is icing a cake.

You are now 31 weeks! You're pretty big. Somewhere around 15 inches, but that's up for debate. I have your Mom almost convinced you're a girl. Your Dad still calls you "he" but he also calls your little girl cousin that too, so it doesn't really count. We discussed girl names for you just in case.

Well, we spent our first holiday weekend together! Very exciting.... but now I probably won't see you until you're born. Only 2 months away, so not TOO long, but I'm sad I don't get to feel you more and see your Mom get scary big. She is more energetic and beautiful than ever so I'm sure these last 2 months will go smoothly. We'll keep catching up here. Until then, I will miss you very much! Get big, Get big, Get big ok?

Eat you up I love you so xoxo
Me

P.S. Can you email me your Christmas list? Cool, thanks.