Get Me A Tissue, Please.

When people get together and join up on issues they love and create things and fangirl over one another, it literally makes me so happy that my eyes water and I get a runny nose.

There's nothing I love more than an unlikely pairing really working out to produce something wonderful. I get high on people encouraging the creativity and happiness of others. It makes my little heart swell and beat so loudly.

Guilt Smoke?? I'm A Fucking Comedy Genius!

I just text yelled at Charlie Dobrowski in a group text for a whole afternoon because he's trying to skip out on the UM/State tailgates tomorrow. I had a bunch of candy so my jokes were on point. At one point, he responded "Wow, MJ, you're really on fire today" to which I replied "It's the flame of disappointment and I hope the guilt smoke it produces clouds your soul". 

I firmly believe this may be the most creative thing I have ever texted. I usually hate candy, but now CANDY FOREVER!!

All Aboard The Space Out Train!

I spent roughly an hour yesterday, off and on, thinking about how good Jay-Z is at commanding the stage by himself and how seeing On The Run changed my life. 

I thought about how there are numerous other B-level rappers and minions on the stage at normal rap shows to help with delivery and crowd hype, but not with HOV. That dude completely owned everyone all by his lonesome. Sure, he had Beyoncé at certain points, but is that helpful or a stick in the spokes of his own performance? And think about having to follow OR precede Beyoncé songs? Was he scared? Was he pumped? Either way, he killed it. He fucking killed it, man. HOV forever.

I also mixed these thoughts with how long it would take me to make greek steak wraps with fresh yogurt sauce (not long at all, very quick), then how pumped I was eating said meal. Did I want a bowl of cereal? No time. Gotta keep it moving. Banana it is.

On today's thought agenda, in between one million work assignments, obvs, was.... napping, how much I love ginger & honey body oil mixed with my baby oil gel so my skin smells expensive as fuck while getting softened. Also... do I need another perfume to mix it up? Who am I? What will I eat for dinner? Why are all the stores all out of Tazo pumpkin chai mix?! It's too early!! Am I really going to be ready to bring the energy for all the tailgating for UM/State this weekend? I'm definitely making goat cheese stuffed peppers. Those sonsabitches were delicious. Delicious!

It All Comes Down To Delivery (Makes Shocker Sign With Hand)

I'm super stoked that TCQ asked me to write and perform YouTube skits with him to become bigger stars than we already are, but when I look back through my notes regarding possible skits....I just look like an absolute crazy bitch. And not the good kind that Buckcherry sings about. Here are some ....snippets exactly as I see them in my phone:

White girls-black baby names. Black dude-white baby names  Ending with Chickenhead. Include Anferny.

Support group for white girls that want to fully understand rap lyrics and not get punched out in the club.

REBUILD DETROIT - One ratchet hoe at a time. Twerkin for growth! (urban gardening)

Things that are racist: Skinny Christmas trees, pumpkins with big teeth, Columbus Day (for real, but make it funny?)

Call it "Now Use It In A Sentence, Bitch!" (but sing-songy. Educational? Add to support group?)

Cleaning out closet of Cross Colour jeans and Charles Barkley Suns jerseys with black boyfriend. Add pagers, guns?? He cleans out Emory and Harvard closet full of plaid. (Tupac Changes plays)

The Bump It: A Timeline (Hair Hill)

White Girl Trickle Down Effect: It's Not Our Fault

Barre When You're Black: A How-To Guide


So......as you can see, My friend TCQ (who is black and also an ear, nose & throat surgeon educated at Harvard and Emory) really enjoy the juxtaposition of white girl/black guy in our humor.  I told him that I already feel pretty internet famous because of my Instagram and Twitter and he whole-heartedly disagreed while stating "Nobody cares how much Fireball you drink at Michigan tailgates or how many fig pizzas you eat or what fall trees in Grosse Pointe look like, they DO care that you are slightly racist and borderline unacceptable in public with your humor. You are basic as hell, yet very self-aware in your basicness." As he has incredible science raps on YouTube already, I'm just going to go ahead and agree with him.

I once read advice that one comedian gave to another: "You're going to come up with a thousand ideas. About ten of those will be funny. You'll be able to actually use one."  or something like that.

PIZZA! HATS! BANKS! CRAAAAAAFTS!

I have a happiness problem.

Where most people go through life acting pretty cool and normal and digging down deep to let themselves express emotion, I actually have to do the opposite. I'm an over-sharer of joy. My enthusiasm for things knows no boundaries. Even when it should.

If I'm in a good mood, I can't stop complimenting people. I could see a normal person on the street wearing the most hideous hat I've ever seen, but I will definitely compliment them on it. I have no idea why. I think it's because I'm so stoked out that they had the bravery to look in the mirror and be like "I look fucking fly as hell in this hat and I'm going with it".  I feel the need to validate their choice because I'm so happy for them just out there...living their fucking truth, man. You go, Glen Coco.

If I actually DO like the hat, I will not only tell them, but jump all over their face like a puppy until they tell me where they got it, when and if it has special meaning to them. I'm insane. Sometimes I pant when I'm done talking because I get so exhausted from happiness. Sometimes I'll just twirl or do PB moves in place to expend some of the energy out of my body.

Last Saturday I had tickets to Banks that I was pissing myself excited over for months, but I walked into Paper Source in Birmingham during the afternoon and learned how to do a raised watermark embossed metallic stamp on stationary and I lost my DAMN MIND. Didn't want to do anything but stamp for the rest of the day and my life. (My honeybee monogram is my life so I'm making people monogrammed stationary for Christmas, if you definitely don't want this, you should tell me now because there is NO STOPPING ME). Luckily, I was forced to get ready and put on pink lips and get to dinner where I had enough wine and steak to make me excited for anything and I made it to the show. Once AT said show, I became aware of just how cool this girl is and once again, became overly enthusiastic about her wardrobe, the venue, her music, the crowd and the Coors Light tall boy I was consuming.  I geeked out and fangirled the entire time and then again upon discovering a new brewery in Greektown after.

I don't even know where this came from. My mother is, like, the inventor of resting bitch face and my father is very happy, but he's not downright spastic like me. I mean, I have no chill, you guys. NO CHILL

Update: As I was hitting Publish on this post, someone walked into the office with Jets Pizza and I screamed. I literally just screamed because I was so excited and wanted some. I should be on meds.

"Get Your Hand Out Of My Pants, There Are Children Behind Us"

After all this time, here is a brief list of the things JD still doesn't understand about me:

1.   Why I would ever set foot in a TJ Maxx, mid-range chain restaurant (aside for the California Pizza Kitchen in Somerset) or a campground.

2.   That I CAN ski, I just prefer not to as I hate being cold and sliding downhill.

3.   How Busch Light doesn't actually kill me upon entering my mouth.

4.   Why I get furious when he constantly begs me to go see a movie....at 10:30 on a week night. Also, how I could possibly deny him fingering me in the theater when he's bored during a movie I choose.

5.   How I own so few 100% cashmere sweaters and blazers.

6.   Why I use an alarm to wake up. Why I choose to show up on time for work. Or at all.

7.   Why I get irritated if he takes his 2 hour lunches at the strip club.

8.   How I don't want to stay up until 2am watching Dexter with him regularly.

9.   Why I would ever turn on the ringer of my phone. Also, how I don't lose my phone once a week.

10. The names of my parents.

11. Why I hang up when he leaves me on hold for longer than 5 minutes.

12. Why I don't take a vacation to Florida with him for the entire month of February.

13. Why I ask him to wear his seatbelt and to not drive 20 mph over the speed limit.

14. How "I JUST had a heart attack" doesn't still work on me when he does something wrong.

15. Why the waist of my yoga pants comes up so high.

16. That it takes me longer than 15 minutes to be showered and ready for a party.

17. How I still tolerate him.