Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"You Guys, I'm The Smart One, So I'm Going To London. Where Smart People Are."

I am currently catching parts of a Pretty Little Liars marathon in between projects.  I get that there are literally hundreds of absurd and unrealistic pieces of this show I could pick apart, but the worst so far may actually be the British dude that hosts Spencer when she goes for her fake college interview in London. Aka: a dark wood pub set with a Buckingham Palace backdrop.

From the accent, to the lingo, to the references! He talks about not carrying an umbrella (you know, because it rains there a lot) and wants to fix her a Hot Toddy (which I believe they think is English, but I think it's actually Scottish via India). This man, though semi-attractive, was a fucking caricature of Brits. I'm honestly shocked the script didn't call for him to be dressed up as Sherlock Holmes and carrying around a plate of fish & chips. You know, so we get that Spencer is in London. This is whole other country. *said in Forrest Gump fashion*

Goonies Never Say Die! Even As Grown Ups

You know, I remember being in my very young 20's and thinking "Man, it's going to really suck to grow up because you never get to sleep at a friend's house again, you don't get to have boyfriends, you have to wear loose capris and chunky sandals to be respected, you have to eat macaroni salad and gain a bunch of weight around your elbows....all this stuff blows".  I truly pre-mourned everything I loved about being young. The very Midwest, country, conventional ideas of being a "grown up" made me sad, but seemed inevitable.

I did NOT think that at 38 years old, my friends would all be highly respected individuals who still want to plan bi-weekly biking pub crawls around our city while singing songs from Now And Then and Goonies.  I didn't think we would all be meeting up on Sunday nights after a long day of boozy brunching to yell at the tv during the scary parts of Game of Thrones. I hoped we would be having in-depth conversations about race relations, music, art, our favorite cheese shops, but I didn't think we'd be having them while drinking sneaky Straw-Ber-Itas with our toes in the sand on a man-made beach in the middle of the city while someone performs a cover of Uptown Funk on a stage by the Campus Martius fountain. The black tie events we regularly attend are fabulous, but 100% better than I ever imagined as we usually uber there from a pre-party with flasks full of bourbon and sour straws in our clutches while laughing the whole way.

I always imagined a loving, stable, content (boring) relationship that I made the most of by lodging some ill-timed arguments and taking absolute and total control over a man's soul and checkbook while wearing a big ol diamond. I certainly never imagined I'd actually end up in a movie theater getting my thong ripped off under my skirt because we're both really bored with the newest Mad Max movie. Then getting fucked over the hood of the Benz in the driveway for outdoor fun because the blowjob with the top down was merely child's play. I did not foresee these things in my future as "an adult".  Man, do I love it when I'm wrong.

Monday, June 1, 2015

YAS KWEEN!!!!!!

Ok. So Anyone who knows me is acutely aware that I flip out every time anyone discusses Bruce Jenner's transition.  In a good way.  I also bawl my eyes out during any special that airs regarding the transition and how everyone is dealing with it.

I don't cry because I'm sad or worried or because I had any particular attachment to Bruce and his physical appearance, but I cry because watching someone free themselves from things that hold them back from their soul's happiness is a profoundly moving sight.

In my life there have been prolonged times of sickness, unrest and unhappiness. Aside for the obvious fucking snake tornadoes of Crohn's Disease, relationships were shitty, jobs were terrible, friendships ended, and those times were really shattering to me. I get that these are pretty common problems to have in life and you just get through them. For me, I think they were hardest because I'm normally a super happy individual. I really am. I'm not one for big mood shifts, I avoid conflict, I don't enjoy negativity at all. I very much shy away from things that don't make me feel good and I trust who I trust and I always have. Secrets don't particularly appeal to me and any time I've had to keep one, it eats at me a little every day. If you have ever told me a secret, there has always been one person I can then tell it to who keeps it safe and it relieves me of the burden whether the secret is good or bad. And that just got me thinking of how utterly suffocating it must have been for Bruce to keep this inside him for so long.

As I have gotten older, I have amassed a large group of totally kick-ass loved ones. Some of these people have come along in the last 5 years, some have been here last 30+ years. I was talking to my mom about it the other day. My thoughts are "Fuck, I am SO lucky to have friends". What I really meant by that was that I am me. I am comfortable in my skin, happy there, really. I don't even know better than to be totally authentic. Sure, I can keep my shit together in formal situations, I can be cordial to people I don't particularly like, but I wouldn't know how to be fake if someone explained it to me.  Authenticity comes very natural to me because it has been encouraged from a very young age. The people around me are wonderful and are beyond valued by me because they totally accept, and dare I say it, enjoy me for exactly who I am. I definitely try to make people feel welcome and happy and loved, though at times, I am a ponytail-swinging, bull in a china shop. God bless my loved ones, for fucking real, man.

Back to Bruce. For me. It would be a death-like fate to not be able to be myself and feel loved as is. And let me tell you, it takes bravery to be yourself just as a "normal" person with "the average things" going on in your life. It really does. To say what you really feel and love who you really love and hope that everyone gets on board with those things, yet be prepared to press on if they don't, takes strength and fortitude. But to actually realize your soul was born into a body that doesn't feel like home to you?? Holy shit. The inner conflict. I can't even imagine. I can't even conceive of it.

To say I applaud Bruce for having the strength to become Caitlyn is the mother of all understatements. Not only did she make these moves, but in the public eye, in front of the world, on the cover of Vanity Fair in a fucking corset and bodysuit. Slaying.  (I am in arguably the best shape of my entire life and I wouldn't pose on the cover of VF in anything less than a photoshopped ball gown.) And for the first time, I didn't cry about Bruce, I was just blown away by Caitlyn. Being elegant, being beautiful, being free. Never has there been a better time than to scream "YAS KWEEN!!"

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Still Mad

Totally floored by the ending of Mad Men....even though I didn't originally understand it at all..

I watched twice and I thought the exact same thing: 'Oh wow...Don finally found his happy place and Peggy got her wish to create the next big idea'. I thought Peggy was sitting at the typewriter penning the song for Coke when she got her kiss on the head. And I thought Don was just smiling because the group leader was suggesting they find their next idea or identity and he had thought of his.

I was mistaken. Apparently, Don was actually thinking of the Coke ad, leading us to believe he returned to New York, was taken back in, and proceeded to prove what a fucking baller he was by creating one of the most iconic ads of our lifetime. This created quite the argument in my household. He was all "I imagine Don rocking back into the office like a scene out of a Michael Bay movie, shoving Peggy out of the way and pitching Coke with his new hippie tears rolling down his face". Firstly, I was insulted he added Michael fucking Bay into any sentence that also involved Mad Men. Secondly, I responded that I don't believe Don is a detriment to Peggy or her work and she is sweetly co-dependent with Don. Their relationship has been productive and evolving and truly worthy of a #relationshipgoals label for anyone that has ever sought a complicated and brilliant mentor. He just believes Don is a disgusting person who is terrible at life.  I don't believe that. I think Don is an intensely complex person who came from a terrible start in life.  People like that scratch and claw an they are survivors. That doesn't make them bad people. I admire people who fuck over their bad odds with how resourceful they can be.

My favorite quote regarding this last scene was "Mad Men makes its final pitch: For Hope". That makes so much sense. Hope to solve the world's problems for just an instant by buying them a Coke. Hope to find love, like Peggy. Hope to get a start at something greater for yourself, like Joan. Hope to finally get it right, like Roger. Hope for second chances, like Pete. And hope for acceptance, like Don.  People may disagree with me, but I think Don truly gained a new perspective out there in Big Sur. I'm not saying he won't be the same self-absorbed, philandering drunk we all hate to love, but I don't believe his internal struggles will be as pronounced as before. I think he felt he needed them to be good at his job and I think that little smile was a direct result of realizing he didn't. That he could find peace and art in the same mind where he had so much darkness just a few days before. It's the great struggle for creative types. Are we better when we're sad? Don can find vindication that he doesn't need the pain to be great or powerful.

If you're gifted, you're good. No matter what.

Ugh. I hate that this show is over. The world is so much less cool now. I'm gonna go paint some watercolor pics to feel better.


Friday, May 15, 2015

Staying Mad Forever

The imminent conclusion of the show Mad Men is carving a cavern in my heart that I have no idea how to fill!

There have been dramas I have loved, or at best, become addicted to, in my day. Breaking bad, Sons of Anarchy, Scandal (if you can call that a legit drama, more of a soap opera) but none have the magic of Mad Men. Sometimes it all becomes so dark that I am drug down into a hole with the characters. I don't feel that way with this show because even in their darkness, they are so inspiring.

From the writing, to the acting, to the art direction, to the casting, it's truly superb. The way they handle the events of the time period, the fashion, the mentality, the simplicity and the complication.

I just love it. Working in the creative industry, probably one of my very favorite quotes of all time comes from this show....

"We're going to sit at our desks and keep typing while the walls fall down around us because we're creative - the least important, most important thing there is." - Don Draper

Monday, March 9, 2015

We Can't All Be The Creators Of Broad City

It's kind of awesome when your whole job is to post fun stuff on social media about the things you like best. One would think that is ideal for a little thing like me who fancied herself a lazy bones. The thing is...I'm not a lazy bones. I'm a busy bee.

Not that anything I'm doing is all that groundbreaking as I work for a corporate chain, but can't it be? I have realized that, while using current content and sprucing it up is fun, it would be rad as balls to actually create some content. I mean, I love to stand on the shoulders of reasonably tall people as much as the next guy, but it would be nice to just, like, get a step ladder that I loudly drag across the floor myself. I'm not trying to revolutionize the place, just make its social media pages coveted by those less cool than myself.

I think my first step in content generation will be to whip up some non-offensive memes. I currently have zero in my existing meme folder. After that, drink a bunch of green tea and actually make some nice, motivational ones, but with a little flava to them. Then add in my proposed funny captions and see what kind of response I get back. So far, I'm doing so little and I'm getting CRAZY GOOD feedback and being worshipped and that feels great. Just think of the adoration after I thrust forth my jackpot of self-made shit!

Or I get a sympathetic look and a smile with a little head shake and a "that's not really on brand for US". Either way I win because I'll make an offensive meme out of whatever happens that is sure to bring enjoyment to my friends for days to come.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Focus On The Sunlight

When you are busy hustlin' for your life, so many different things happen at once. You are riding an emotional elevator. I would say roller coaster, but sometimes it's not moving that fast and this is no carnival.

Sometimes the only personal time you get to really enjoy things is like sunshine through blinds and you're trying to put your face in those little strips of light hoping they shower good things upon you. You don't get to be Beyonce all the time. Sometimes you're the person running behind Beyonce with a mic on your head making sure everyone is ready to receive Beyonce. Sometimes you're peacock feathers and other times you're a black turtleneck and that is just the way life is.

That's what makes life rad.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Maybe I'm Pregnant, Maybe I'm Not, But 2 Things I Don't Fuck With: Gang Members And Condoms. (Brian Told Me This Joke)

Yesterday I went so ape shit downloading Spice Girls songs on iTunes that I bought several twice. I didn't realize they had a greatest hits album. My bad.

After that I decided to go to the salon and get bangs. I forgot I had them when I woke up this morning and was momentarily mortified that I had ripped out so much hair in my sleep. False alarm! They are adorable.

I have my first family doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I have a huge fear they're going to tell me I'm pregnant because I was given a very stern lecture on safe sex during the New Years Day Brunch. Good thing I had enough mimosas in me not to care what my friends think.

I am thrilled to start watching Twin Peaks on Netflix because I can't wait to finally get what my parents were gossiping about back in the 90's. If they put My So Called Life on there, my whole world will be made. Brian thinks both of these shows are stupid. He couldn't get through the first 10 minutes of Twin Peaks without bitching. Next month he'll watch it by himself and tell me how great it is like he did with Scandal.

I don't understand...are we supposed to enjoy the Jennifer Lawrence song about the tree?? It sounds like French dance music they play in low-lit bars or Express. It reminds me of shopping for The Editor slacks. Maybe a champagne commercial. Do I love it or hate it? I don't even know anymore.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Leather Belt With A Tutu?? Fuck Yes, I'm In.

Last night I had a dream I was at an event and I was wearing my boot-cut, distressed Seven For All Mankind Jeans. I don't remember the top, I don't remember the shoes, I just remember the jeans. I think for part of the dream I was mortified, and for the other part I was trying to own it like "whatever, these could come back in at any second and they're mad comfortable, bitch."

Why did I have this dream? I have no idea. Maybe it's because I keep staring at a pair of Ralph Lauren boots in the corner of the bedroom and wondering if it will ever not be fucking slushy out so I can wear them instead of Uggs or wellies. (Even though I got carried for 7 blocks on NYE. People just carry me, y'all) Maybe it's because I refuse to not wear turtlenecks and my friends are all "give it up!" and I'm all "nah". Maybe it's because I obsess over "style" and what it means to everyone.  Maybe it's because I have been looking at a lot of flashback posts concerning early 2000s fashion and shuddering at all the square-toe shoes and boots.

One of these posts today was regarding Victoria Beckham. Look, she had a lot of whack shit going on in the 2000s, but they brought this outfit up and I'm like "Whaaaaaat? That look is my FAVE!".  I would legit wear this to a spring event to this day. It has colors I love, materials I love and ruffles! And sparkles! Also, I'm a huge fan of mixing genres of clothing, like a leather belt with a formal dress. It adds a little bohemian/preppy flair to the mix and who knew that was even possible? It's possible because it's Posh Spice. And with Posh, all things are possible.

No shit, I may start shopping for an ensemble like this for spring parties. Much to the dismay of my friends. Or anyone who has to converse with me and try to make eye contact instead of staring at all the conflicting details of my insane outfit. Fuck them, I look rad. #tutusforever



Monday, January 5, 2015

Omg, it's 2015, motherfuckers!!! Dat shit wild.

My position as Pure Barre Ambassador has been nothing short of wonderful. I got to combine the three things I love most in this world; Pure Barre, writing, and talking about myself. JK. Sort of. 

Probably the part I loved most about being the PBA was the fact that it brought people out of the woodwork telling me how much they enjoy my writing. Not just PB enthusiasts, or current close friends of mine who always encourage me to do more writing, but we're talking actual reputable humans. Humans who own law firms. Humans who run wealth management companies. Humans who just bought and renovated the David Whitney building in downtown Detroit.  Humans I am extremely fortunate to be facebook (and/or actual) friends with. I couldn't believe the reaction! Shit was mad life affirming!! On New Years Eve I got asked if I had a writing portfolio. wtf.... Is that? Guess I better figure it out soon as one of my resolutions was to get much more involved in the creative aspects of my life. That is happening faster than I anticipated and, from what Pinterest tells me via inspirational quotes, "all the greats do awesome shit before they're prepared to do said awesome shit."  or something....

Anyway, where I was actually going with all this is that my brain is pretty empty today after all that New Year Reflection and I just wanted to list a few things I realized I really miss. I miss this stuff, guys. I do. I miss it.

1. Cher. The musician and actress. What's that wild bitch up to? Have you even SEEN The Witches of Eastwick? She's the shiz.

2. Vito's Mediterranean Pizza in Toledo. Also prosciutto crepes.

3.  Pearl Drops Tooth Polish. I think this may have proven to be toxic, but DAMN did you get some white teeth with that stuff.

4. Sticker books. What the fuck were we even doing collecting stickers? HAVING FUN, THAT'S WHAT.

5. Little Debbie Lemon Sticks. Or Stix. I'm not sure how Deb spelled them.

6. Apparently, my ex-boyfriend Tim. I had a dream about him shirtless last night and it was highly enjoyable.

7. Brian's beardless face. He looks mad hot with a beard, but I just miss his normal face that doesn't require special oils and intricate grooming. Plus, he's always twisting it and that reminds me of every evil character in history.

8.  Not giving a shit about working freelance. Ah, when we were all so young and fucking dumb.

9.  Sun tea. This is an easy fix, I just need to make it, but it's not gonna be the same as my Grandma's.

10. My virginity.