Ok, I honestly just have to take a minute to commemorate this moment in time because I'm absolutely CRUSHING IT AT LIFE right now. Oh, let me count the ways.
1. Became jobless in November after explaining to my former bosses how fucked up they are and that they're basically running a huge company (not to mention the souls of innocent employees) into the ground. Day before Thanksgiving - fired. Get out.
2. BUT then I rally, go home to Marcellus and work for the fam while totally reconnecting with the babyest of the baby sisters just in time for her to start her period and, guess what? SAME CYCLE AS ME! Awesome. I'm here to help you cope.
3. Got in massive passive aggressive argument with boyfriend where I basically told him to nut up or shut up and he is slowly trying to nut up. But, that being said, as he tried to pull it out of the gutter, told him "Um, take your time, I'm going to date other people" thinking "I'm not really dating other people", BUT uh, yeah. I am. Accidentally. Yeah, you read that right. A couple of random foxes just fell into my lap. Now I have to budget my time wisely.
4. Walked in to Sprint, got free iPhone. Now I'm basically connected to all humanity in a way I never knew possible.
5. After 4 interviews and a grueling 13 page personality test, I landed a kick ass job back in Michigan. If I don't fuck it all up like a snake tornado, it will only get better and better with even bigger paychecks. College?? UNNECESSARY.
6. Discovered the show GIRLS; improved my comedy and grammar in the 4.5 hours I spent watching it. Started following them all on Twitter. Done. Killed.
7. Went tanning one time, just to get a base, came out golden brown-looking like I own summer.
8. Decided to test the baldness of my tires on Guards Prairie road on CC's birthday, slid the whole way while donutting into the driveway laughing. Managed to avoid a swamp and a Ford Taurus carrying mail. Amazing. Also, drank until I blacked out and woke up with no hangover. Boom.
9. Got earlier mentioned job in a town 2 hours away with little to no plan on how to get there. Friend disguised as an angel steps up and calls me to tell me I'll be staying with her and her lawyer boyfriend in their lake house with an already-shoveled hockey rink in front of it. AND that she also set up a meeting with a future roommate for cheap rent until I want to get my own place. THANKS, UNIVERSE!!
10. Took cookies to the last day at my temp job, got handed 3 numbers on the way out from dudes that want to hit this. I won't call any of them because they're clearly beneath me in every way, but still, it's nice to know others think this perfect peach skin and waterfall of strawberry blonde silk are as fucking spectac as I do.
