I'm Pretty Positive That The More Eyeliner Quinn Wears, The More Blood Lust She Gains

I watched so much fucking Scandal (Season 2 and beginning Season 3) this weekend that when I just opened CNN.com, my first thoughts were "Why are there no headlines regarding the President's affair? How is America not discussing the discovery of the mole? What about an article about David Rosen regaining his position as distinguished attorney?!"  Seriously.

I looked at a picture of President Obama and was like "Who is the handsome black guy?"

Oh, It's Going To Be Handled. And By "It" I Mean Sweatpants And Popcorn. And Ice Cream.

Tonight I have a huge plan to stay in a cloud of blankets and pillows and watch however many episodes of Scandal it takes for my brain to totally go off the rails and believe I could be the next Olivia Pope. Considering I'm only in the middle of season 2, I have many potential hours of self-transformation ahead of me.  Last week I bought the most incredible grey wool coat that looks like it belongs at the White House, so I'm like... 40% of the way there already. One bottle of red wine, a giant bowl of popcorn and some silky PJ bottoms and I think that pretty much does it!

I know this is one of the most typical white girl Friday nights in existence, but A) I had my very first EVER battle with stomach bug/food poisoning that overtook my soul on Tuesday night. B) All JD could talk about during said bout of illness was how badly his back hurt, needed rubbed, and I should "just drink Vernor's!" and C) I watched 12 Years A Slave last night and I still haven't fully recovered from any of these things, so give me a fucking break, ok, man? I'm not a gladiator just yet.

Please Do Not Take Your Emotional Impotence Out On Me, Asshole.

I was all sorts of happy when I left for lunch today and I remembered I had downloaded 2 of my favorite love songs of all time last night. It's cold ass actual fuck outside and the sky continues to spit snow on and off, but it was sunny at this time and I was singing and I was actually doing something worthwhile at the time (getting an oil change) so, sort of a perfect storm of productivity.

On my wait back to the office I decided I would walk in here all triumphantly with my new clean fucking oil and wiper fluid and post the best damn blog ever about one of the songs I was listening to, but THEN I asked someone a simple question and they gave me a shitty answer, like they're a teenage girl (not though, grown man) asserting her false bad bitch status in the 10th grade, and my hormones took over and now I'm writing this blog to tell you that instead.

Oh, the delicate balance of estrogen vs. testosterone. May it swirl and whirl until we all just murder each other.

I Almost Forgot.....Kim Kardashian Still Exists

So...... From what I understand, Kim Kardashian is crazy thirsty for attention. It's kinda sad because when I met her she was actually really sweet and normal and seemed a bit shy. I almost can't even juxtapose that girl with this one.

I don't want to belittle her right as a woman to be sexy and put her body out there and be proud of it, but I just think the hashtag #BreakTheInternet sounds so desperate. It's like someone walking into a party and doing their best to let everyone there know they are rich. Or people who went to Harvard mentioning the fact they went to Harvard in the first 2 sentences of every conversation. It's a bizarre, uncool use of a once cool phrase. She should have just used #MoreAttentionPlease or #MyAssAGAIN or #PleaseLookAtMe.

I don't mean to be a total bitch, but Kim, I have already seen actual video of you getting eaten out, fucked and giving a blowie. Why would I, or the rest of the interwebs, care more about a digitally manipulated photo of your oiled up body that is a copy of a previous photo by that photographer? That just makes no sense.

Furthermore, if this is your cry for help that you need even more attention than you are currently getting....where do you go from here? We've already seen your labia, bro. What else are you going to show us? How do you plan to keep that spotlight on you? Your addiction isn't an easy one to feed, but I wish you the best in your attempts.

Anyway, please tell Kanye to do College Dropout Part Deuce. Love to North. She cute.

I Basically Just Won Iron Chef. In My Mind.

I did it! I really did it!

I imagined myself acting like a primate and just pounding the pomegranate on my counter until it was just a pile of juicy mush and then scooping it up with 4 fingers and spooning it into my mouth, but instead...I watched a Martha Stewart tutorial on how to properly open it because fucking elegance.

I daintily cut off the top stem, then I scored the sides, then I carefully wedged that mofo open and slowly shook or picked out all the pods. (no worries, I Instagramed it as well for proof)

I ate a few during the process, just to remember the taste and consistency, because I wanted an idea of what to mix them into after topping cheesecake bites with a small portion. Salads? Pork Chops? Pasta? WHAT?! And you know what I want to mix them with? My mouth only because those little juice pockets are the REALNESS.

Pomegranate. My new favorite snack. I feel sophisticated as balls typing that and meaning it.

RED EVERYWHERE

I will be cutting open a pomegranate by myself for the first time tonight to prepare a dessert.

Prayers would be appreciated.

So Stoked I Didn't Quit Twitter!

Yesterday Chrissy Teigen and I had a full on Twitter conversation where we bonded over our love of Taco Bell and how hard we fail at baking when we try so hard to succeed. Rest in peace, me. Died. Then came back to live in Chrissy's sunlight.

I fangirled out, Instagramed some of our exchanges, it was beautiful, we are now best friends and life as I know it just got sooooo much cooler. I gained an incredible amount of cred with every dude in my life. Which is nice.

Things I Kind Of Want To Name My Daughter

1.   Lavender
2.   Hyacinth
3.   Daphne
4.   Irena
5.   May
6.   Ansilta
7.   Arrabella
8.   Peach
9.   Bunny
10. Ellis

I think I'm losin' it.

Brittany Maynard

I am so touched by her story. When she talks about it, she is so calm and up front and it's just crazy moving.  She reminds me to take stock and re-think my approach and get moving, be creative, be present and pursue what I care about instead of making it a part-time hobby.

I am not looking forward to spending all day in a hospital tomorrow, but it's a little empowering to be the one waiting for someone else to come out of an operating room for a change. Even so, just thinking about being inside a hospital gives me anxiety. Once I'm sick and I'm there, it's a comforting place. But when I feel very well, just setting foot in one makes me feel like I'm jinxing myself. BUT, being needed and caring for people is a huge part of what makes me feel alive and at my best, so I'm more than happy to be there for my mom. Lord knows she's spent a good amount of time in a rigid plastic chair worrying about me, so it's high time I return that favor.

Never take your health for granted. Never take your body for granted. This is the vessel you get. Be good to it. Love it. Move like you love yourself. The things you adorn yourself with are so secondary to the strength and confidence you build in what is underneath. Because, trust me, when you are unwell, the last damn thing you care about is that purse you really want or when you'll get to wear those great shoes or what someone at the party thinks about your dress. You'll start to worry about things like "Did I pet enough dogs? Did I hug enough babies? Do my friends and family really know how loved they are and how much joy and amusement they have brought to my life? Did I see the sunrise enough? Did I kiss enough? (we know I'll never have an 'enough' there) Did I swim enough? Did I play enough? Did I make even one person's life better because I was here?"

Be kind. Be kind to others and yourself. Walk away from painful things. Embrace joyful things. Pet more dogs. Trust me on that one too. I pet every damn dog I see. People on the street really enjoy it when I stop them. The dogs like it too....I think.