Hi Duck!!
Dude, SO much has happened. We need to catch up.
Your Dad's big New York premiere is tonight and you'll be there!! Very, very exciting. Your uncle T could NOT decide what to wear, so if you can, send him some good vibes with your special fetus senses regarding his outfit. I hope your Dad got a hair cut and played some tennis today to relax him. He probably just got a facial, but you know, same diff. He also felt you from the outside for the first time! He probably cried. Or just fixed himself a cup of tea and put his feet on the coffee table. I'm not sure, but I bet that's a decent guess.
Your Mom says you are kind of kicking her ass sometimes. I don't think she really minds much, but lets try to get all that out now before you get too big and start getting called Renesmee. Your Mom's not the most sturdy person I've ever seen, so just take it easy. Even though it's at a price to her ribs, this does make me SO excited to give you your first soccer ball!! (don't tell your uncle A) Your Mom is also lamenting the loss of her size small undies. I say it serves her right for having a ridiculously perfect bod in the first place. She'll most likely yell when she sees that I just wrote that, so cover your brand new ears.
You wanna read about you? OK! You are now 22 weeks baked up in the ovenski! Ok, bro, saw you in 3D!!!! I was getting worried because I hadn't heard from your Mom all day so I went all last resort style and began to relentlessly text blast your Father. He emailed me a picture of you and I had my standard reaction of bursting into tears of happiness. You even had your little hand in your little baby mouth! You have your Mom's nose. No doubt. At least that's what I yelled out at my computer screen. You look really Benjamin Buttonish, but you'll start getting fat and filling out and that won't be a problem. Sometimes I look at your picture and I think you're a boy, but sometimes I totally see a girl. I can't decide and I really don't care, I suppose. Ducks are Ducks. Your Dr said you and your Mom are in hardcore, tip top shape, so that's what really matters.
I get to see you in 8 days!!! I don't get to meet you yet, but I'm really hoping for a hello kick. Actually, I would say I'm pretty much demanding it. At least a high five. Even just a real slow push out to my hand will work. Something. Just so I know we're still bros since I haven't seen you since you were just a tiny duckling of like 9 weeks. I plan to take at least 700 photos with you and your Mom. Put some shades on. Also, I have a present for you. Made it myself and if you don't like it, you're getting a spankin when you get outta the joint. I can't wait to see your Mom and join her in such *us* chants like "Hiiiiii!", "Fun!", "So cute!", "OMG, I know!". Oh yeah, there will also be a football game going on, but that will just be background noise to the spectacularly loud-talking your Mother and I are capable of. It's going to be a great time, you'll see.
Well, gotta bounce. Til next time.
Eat you up, I love you so!! xoxox
Oh, PS, I have been practicing some faces I plan to make at you once you're born in the mirror, but that's mostly because I'm hella bored at work. Get ready to laugh. They are hideous.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Old People Have the Best One-Liners.
I used to babble to my Grandfather all the time about all the useless stuff I wanted. He would respond by saying:
"Wish in one hand, shit in the other....and see which one gets full first, kid."
I am TOTALLY getting his point now.
Thanks, Grampa. I miss you every day.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Q: "If you're so smart, why aren't you married?" A: "I'm saving myself for Daniel Tosh"
Just so we're clear, I am NO authority on relationships, but I have been through a few. I seem to have several friends struggling with theirs, wanting one, wanting out of one, wanting to take one to another level, etc. I don't know much... but here are some things I think:
1. You should love yourself before you expect someone else to love you. If you don't know what you want, don't want, like, don't like or feel strongly about, someone will probably try to tell you and your confused ass may actually start to believe them. Get some faith in yourself before you put your faith in someone else.
2. Dating your best friend is an awesome idea... until you lose sexual attraction. You gotta keep a tiny bit of mystery there. Don't ask them to wax your bikini line or let them anywhere near the bathroom when you're pooing. It's just science. Other than that, if you love that person, but don't like them? You're in trouble. Friends first is the only way to go. Run around with each other, drink together, play some sports, not every day has to be a game of "do we have the perfect relationship?". If you're friends first, chances are you do and you won't feel like asking yourself that.
3. When someone likes you, you will know it. You won't be wondering. They will show you in whatever way they choose, but they WILL show you. If you're asking yourself "do they actually like me, or what?" just keep going on about your business until they sack up. Nut up or shut up, bro.
4. NOBODY is perfect. Even you. People will disappoint you, let you down, make mistakes and so will you. Don't analyze it to death, don't punish that person to misery, just ask yourself very first thing "is this something I can get over and still be happy and have trust?" and if it is, do that as soon as possible. If it's not, save everyone a lot of time and bullshit and bounce, dude.
5. Your relationship involves you and one other person. It needs to work for both of you and nobody else. If it works for you, and you're happy, tell haters to go fuck themselves. Add a "literally" to confuse them if you like.
6. Don't ask your significant other questions you don't actually want the true answer to. Example: Me- "That girl is looking at you funny, have you slept with her before?" Sig O- "Well... yes once, but it was a long time ago." Me- *brain explodes*. Some things, you would just rather not know. If it ain't broke, don't try to break it.
7. When you like someone, tell them. Games are for assholes and p-words.
8. Everyone has a past. Leave yours AND theirs there where it belongs. Don't have to be asked "Why you gotta bring up old shit?".
9. I think all fights can be solved in the bedroom. Use this advice however you see fit, but have some peroxide, a sandwich and band aids handy.
10. Love like crazy. When you want someone, get them. Don't sit around worrying about dumb shit like "should I call? Should I text? Will he think I'm a freak?" WHO CARES? If someone really likes you, you'll have to do more to scare them away than texting or calling them too much. And if you do scare them away? They weren't your style. We're all freaks, we all have insecurities, but communicating with the person you have feelings for should NOT be something to worry about.
Now that I've cleared that up, I would just like to point out that I am in my 30's, unmarried, no kids and live with a roommate that just put his empty 40s from a rousing game of "Edward 40 hands" on our mantle with garden gloves still duct taped to them. .... And this has honestly been one of the happiest years of my life!!!
If I had the capability right now, I would totally attach the music video for "Everyday" by Dave Matthews to get you going in the right direction, but the company I work for blocked every cool site there is besides this one and Yahoo Sports. Assholes.
1. You should love yourself before you expect someone else to love you. If you don't know what you want, don't want, like, don't like or feel strongly about, someone will probably try to tell you and your confused ass may actually start to believe them. Get some faith in yourself before you put your faith in someone else.
2. Dating your best friend is an awesome idea... until you lose sexual attraction. You gotta keep a tiny bit of mystery there. Don't ask them to wax your bikini line or let them anywhere near the bathroom when you're pooing. It's just science. Other than that, if you love that person, but don't like them? You're in trouble. Friends first is the only way to go. Run around with each other, drink together, play some sports, not every day has to be a game of "do we have the perfect relationship?". If you're friends first, chances are you do and you won't feel like asking yourself that.
3. When someone likes you, you will know it. You won't be wondering. They will show you in whatever way they choose, but they WILL show you. If you're asking yourself "do they actually like me, or what?" just keep going on about your business until they sack up. Nut up or shut up, bro.
4. NOBODY is perfect. Even you. People will disappoint you, let you down, make mistakes and so will you. Don't analyze it to death, don't punish that person to misery, just ask yourself very first thing "is this something I can get over and still be happy and have trust?" and if it is, do that as soon as possible. If it's not, save everyone a lot of time and bullshit and bounce, dude.
5. Your relationship involves you and one other person. It needs to work for both of you and nobody else. If it works for you, and you're happy, tell haters to go fuck themselves. Add a "literally" to confuse them if you like.
6. Don't ask your significant other questions you don't actually want the true answer to. Example: Me- "That girl is looking at you funny, have you slept with her before?" Sig O- "Well... yes once, but it was a long time ago." Me- *brain explodes*. Some things, you would just rather not know. If it ain't broke, don't try to break it.
7. When you like someone, tell them. Games are for assholes and p-words.
8. Everyone has a past. Leave yours AND theirs there where it belongs. Don't have to be asked "Why you gotta bring up old shit?".
9. I think all fights can be solved in the bedroom. Use this advice however you see fit, but have some peroxide, a sandwich and band aids handy.
10. Love like crazy. When you want someone, get them. Don't sit around worrying about dumb shit like "should I call? Should I text? Will he think I'm a freak?" WHO CARES? If someone really likes you, you'll have to do more to scare them away than texting or calling them too much. And if you do scare them away? They weren't your style. We're all freaks, we all have insecurities, but communicating with the person you have feelings for should NOT be something to worry about.
Now that I've cleared that up, I would just like to point out that I am in my 30's, unmarried, no kids and live with a roommate that just put his empty 40s from a rousing game of "Edward 40 hands" on our mantle with garden gloves still duct taped to them. .... And this has honestly been one of the happiest years of my life!!!
If I had the capability right now, I would totally attach the music video for "Everyday" by Dave Matthews to get you going in the right direction, but the company I work for blocked every cool site there is besides this one and Yahoo Sports. Assholes.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
So far...
Halloween Costume Ideas (so far):
1. A non-whorish bumble bee. I like this because it's cute, re-usable and my name means Honey Bee.
2. Ke$ha. I like this because it's easy, includes glitter and booze and I can behave like a wild animal.
3. Kenny Powers. I love this, but it includes soooo many things I would have to buy.
4. Taylor Swift. I would have to buy a wig and act alllll sorts of victimized.
5. Lou Holtz. This is the best idea I've had in a long time. I can pull off a slight lisp.
1. A non-whorish bumble bee. I like this because it's cute, re-usable and my name means Honey Bee.
2. Ke$ha. I like this because it's easy, includes glitter and booze and I can behave like a wild animal.
3. Kenny Powers. I love this, but it includes soooo many things I would have to buy.
4. Taylor Swift. I would have to buy a wig and act alllll sorts of victimized.
5. Lou Holtz. This is the best idea I've had in a long time. I can pull off a slight lisp.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
20 Weeks of Duck Duck Goose
What is up, Duck?
Congrats! You are half way baked today! It has been 2 weeks since we talked so I thought I should check in. I have a little silky blue book that I carry around now for every time I talk to your Mom so I can fill you in on the haps just in case she forgets. She's got the pregnancy stupids. Before she went home to welcome your cousin, she claimed she was too dumb to book herself a flight. I laughed and harbored a secret sense of pride at the thought of being the smarter friend for several more months.
Your Aunt and Uncle ditched your cousin for the first time last night to attend a Dave Matthews Band show with 2 of your other Uncles. I say it's a legit reason, he's supposedly not touring next summer. Gotta get your Dave on now! Good thing you already went. I know this whole DMB thing seems confusing now, but you'll get it and you'll like it.
Your Dad has a big movie coming up! He even has one of the bold co-producer credits on Yahoo Movies and IMDB! It's very exciting. I would say "He's made it now!" but I thought that when your Mom agreed to marry him and went through with it so this is all extra cake. You will be attending the New York premiere soon. Let me know how it goes. I'm really proud of him, you should be too. He's bigtime.
Your Mom is currently looking for a dress for said premiere. She doesn't seem too worried yet, but I am preparing myself for a mental breakdown anyway. She asked me to dig up a picture of us at dinner with your Dad from SO long ago on Saturday night. I believe she's trying to look for what she was wearing and if it is maternity suitable. Her next comment was "Man, I'm glad (your Dad) got rid of that picture smirk." Ha!! She also cleaned out her closet using a system called "will I still wear this when I'm a Mom?". She said I would be surprised at how few things made the cut (though she has no problem wearing knee high spike heel boots while prego, go figure). I'm just sad I wasn't there to drive off with these discarded items in my car. Dragsville.
Let's get to you!! You are growing at a rapid rate! You are supposed to be about 10.5 oz and 6.5 inches from head to cutie buns! Today is your 3D ultrasound! I am using many exclamation points! You have fingerprints now. Your arms and legs are proportionate so you're apparently no longer a T-Rex. You can hear stuff now. You should be figuring out a sleep pattern right now as well, so try to go with this: NIGHT=Sleep, DAY=Awake, ok? That will make everyone really happy. If you're confused about which is which, day is when your Mom moves more and drinks milk. I call or text right around 9am your time, so listen for a high-pitched "Hiiiii!" and immediate bossy tone to follow. Night is when she's eating pizza and wings. Easy, right? Another way is if you hear Jon Gruden and Al Michaels, it's Monday night. If you hear Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso, it's Saturday morning. Let me know if you have any questions. Also, from what I hear, you are NOT going to go hungry when you're born. Word on the streets is your Mom is packing heat up top. One of our friends actually said "Can you put those things away? It's like Vegas up in here!" regarding her boobs. Amazing! I hope that happens to me when I'm knocked up with your future best friend!
I may be coming to visit you for Christmas. Even though your Mom says "I'm fine flying! The baby likes it!", her Dr and your Father are not going to let her fly that close to your birthday. I have to say, I agree. If I make it out there, I will read lots of books and sing lots of songs to you while your Mom and I decorate cookies! If I don't make it there, other than your baby shower, I will see you in February when you make it outta the joint. I have been meaning to ask this... do you think you could safely hold out til the 13th? Because you would be an AMAZING birthday present!!
Hang in there, keep getting fatter and growing and stuff. Call, text or facebook if you need anything. I'll chat you up in another 2 weeks.
Eat you up I love you so, xoxoxo
Me
Congrats! You are half way baked today! It has been 2 weeks since we talked so I thought I should check in. I have a little silky blue book that I carry around now for every time I talk to your Mom so I can fill you in on the haps just in case she forgets. She's got the pregnancy stupids. Before she went home to welcome your cousin, she claimed she was too dumb to book herself a flight. I laughed and harbored a secret sense of pride at the thought of being the smarter friend for several more months.
Your Aunt and Uncle ditched your cousin for the first time last night to attend a Dave Matthews Band show with 2 of your other Uncles. I say it's a legit reason, he's supposedly not touring next summer. Gotta get your Dave on now! Good thing you already went. I know this whole DMB thing seems confusing now, but you'll get it and you'll like it.
Your Dad has a big movie coming up! He even has one of the bold co-producer credits on Yahoo Movies and IMDB! It's very exciting. I would say "He's made it now!" but I thought that when your Mom agreed to marry him and went through with it so this is all extra cake. You will be attending the New York premiere soon. Let me know how it goes. I'm really proud of him, you should be too. He's bigtime.
Your Mom is currently looking for a dress for said premiere. She doesn't seem too worried yet, but I am preparing myself for a mental breakdown anyway. She asked me to dig up a picture of us at dinner with your Dad from SO long ago on Saturday night. I believe she's trying to look for what she was wearing and if it is maternity suitable. Her next comment was "Man, I'm glad (your Dad) got rid of that picture smirk." Ha!! She also cleaned out her closet using a system called "will I still wear this when I'm a Mom?". She said I would be surprised at how few things made the cut (though she has no problem wearing knee high spike heel boots while prego, go figure). I'm just sad I wasn't there to drive off with these discarded items in my car. Dragsville.
Let's get to you!! You are growing at a rapid rate! You are supposed to be about 10.5 oz and 6.5 inches from head to cutie buns! Today is your 3D ultrasound! I am using many exclamation points! You have fingerprints now. Your arms and legs are proportionate so you're apparently no longer a T-Rex. You can hear stuff now. You should be figuring out a sleep pattern right now as well, so try to go with this: NIGHT=Sleep, DAY=Awake, ok? That will make everyone really happy. If you're confused about which is which, day is when your Mom moves more and drinks milk. I call or text right around 9am your time, so listen for a high-pitched "Hiiiii!" and immediate bossy tone to follow. Night is when she's eating pizza and wings. Easy, right? Another way is if you hear Jon Gruden and Al Michaels, it's Monday night. If you hear Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso, it's Saturday morning. Let me know if you have any questions. Also, from what I hear, you are NOT going to go hungry when you're born. Word on the streets is your Mom is packing heat up top. One of our friends actually said "Can you put those things away? It's like Vegas up in here!" regarding her boobs. Amazing! I hope that happens to me when I'm knocked up with your future best friend!
I may be coming to visit you for Christmas. Even though your Mom says "I'm fine flying! The baby likes it!", her Dr and your Father are not going to let her fly that close to your birthday. I have to say, I agree. If I make it out there, I will read lots of books and sing lots of songs to you while your Mom and I decorate cookies! If I don't make it there, other than your baby shower, I will see you in February when you make it outta the joint. I have been meaning to ask this... do you think you could safely hold out til the 13th? Because you would be an AMAZING birthday present!!
Hang in there, keep getting fatter and growing and stuff. Call, text or facebook if you need anything. I'll chat you up in another 2 weeks.
Eat you up I love you so, xoxoxo
Me
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
David Spade? Buuuuurn!
A few things...
1. Adam H. Newman came to visit! We got iced, he pissed on an ATM, He pretended not to cry while drunk watching Braveheart, I made him breakfast Jeno's Crisp & Tasty, we laughed a whole lot, people at a party asked us how many kids we have, we ate McDoubles on a road trip and later regretted it, I begged him to stay, he only stayed for one more Jeno's. The usual stuff.
2. Adam H. Newman's little sister asked me to be in her wedding!! She's sweet and wonderful and I'm honored. We got her a Majestic Wolf paint-by-numbers for her engagement. We rule. I also schooled her future sisters-in-law on the existence of sweet tea vodka. I can't wait to hear how their lives improve!
3. Man vitamins. Take them. I don't know if I'm getting just the right combo of caffeine AND minerals at exactly the right time or what, but both times I have taken men's vitamins, I look like Sonic the Hedgehog, but more productive, with better hair, and I fall in water less. They also make my nails grow like Teen Wolf fast, but that's ok.
4. I'm not sure how this started, but any time someone mentions heinous bands like Hinder, Nickelback, Daughtry, etc., my friend Flick raises a glass or just his hand and says "Respect!". I think this is hilarious and I may start using it more times than necessary until it's not funny anymore.
5. A meat dress. A meat dress? Is that real meat? Does it stink? Has it been sprayed down with anything? Is it cold? Will that seat cover have to be replaced? Is it Kobe beef? Looks lean. They hugged her! They touched the meat dress! Ewwwwww.
6. Ray Lewis. Didn't he kill a guy? Sweet.
7. At the engagement party this weekend, one of the new sisters-in-law said "LeAnn Rimes just walked in, she looks just like LeAnn Rimes for sure" about me. In response to this, Adam H. Newman's Mom said "Yep. Kind of. A combo of LeAnn Rimes and David Spade maybe". She told me about the funny she made while picking lint off my sweater and laughing. She claims it was in regards to our similar comedy style and not looks, but I can see through her straight to the evil core. Adam always says my Mom looks like Dustin Hoffman so... this sadly alllll makes sense.
8. The camera on my phone stopped working. How am I supposed to text people pics of my cleavage now?
9. Glee, Always Sunny and The League all come back on this week. I asked my roommate if we could please get HBO before Eastbound & Down comes back on so I no longer have to leave our house until Spring.
10. Hey Ryan Reynolds, I just want to let you know that even though you have brown eyes and I think they tend to look empty and emotionless, I would totally still nail you because you are tall and funny. I like that picture of you in GQ where you're lying in the grass. Give me a call.
11. I know a boy who left work at 5 and drove 8 hours to wake up his little brother and surprise him with a visit and canoe trip. I texted my little sister who is 2 hours away good luck at her soccer game as she was on her way there and I was watching football. You decide who the bigger sweetheart is.
12. When my other little sister texts me "this gallon of sangria wine can't even handle me right now" on a Sunday at around 8pm, I know we are surely cut from the same cloth.
13. Just when I thought my friend (we are now calling her Ruxin after the character from The League) was super awesome and even more "one of the guys" than me, she says the following to me this morning: "My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion is a modern day classic". Um, correct. Classic piece of shit! That songs sucks so hard it hurts! Your heart will go on? No, it won't. Not if you're dead. Your love may, but your heart is an organ and it won't work once you stop living. Give it up, Celine, and sing I Drove All Night. That is the jammy jam!
14. My car is in the shop right now because there is "a bad noise in the rear of the transmission" says my co-worker who examined it. After an obvious "that's what she said" I asked him what this means. He doesn't know, gotta wait for shop guy's opinion. I can't wait for them to call me and tell me it's something simple and will cost me nothing to fix.
15. Taylor Swift, you can stop acting like a rape victim now. Kanye West was a drunken idiot, but it's not like he concussed you on TV. He even said sorry as he took the mic from your hand! Gentlemanly! Though I like you and your songs, I hope your VMA performance ends the victim routine. Kanye West's big mistake made you more famous than you were ever going to be. He doesn't need your sympathy. He's got all that Power!
1. Adam H. Newman came to visit! We got iced, he pissed on an ATM, He pretended not to cry while drunk watching Braveheart, I made him breakfast Jeno's Crisp & Tasty, we laughed a whole lot, people at a party asked us how many kids we have, we ate McDoubles on a road trip and later regretted it, I begged him to stay, he only stayed for one more Jeno's. The usual stuff.
2. Adam H. Newman's little sister asked me to be in her wedding!! She's sweet and wonderful and I'm honored. We got her a Majestic Wolf paint-by-numbers for her engagement. We rule. I also schooled her future sisters-in-law on the existence of sweet tea vodka. I can't wait to hear how their lives improve!
3. Man vitamins. Take them. I don't know if I'm getting just the right combo of caffeine AND minerals at exactly the right time or what, but both times I have taken men's vitamins, I look like Sonic the Hedgehog, but more productive, with better hair, and I fall in water less. They also make my nails grow like Teen Wolf fast, but that's ok.
4. I'm not sure how this started, but any time someone mentions heinous bands like Hinder, Nickelback, Daughtry, etc., my friend Flick raises a glass or just his hand and says "Respect!". I think this is hilarious and I may start using it more times than necessary until it's not funny anymore.
5. A meat dress. A meat dress? Is that real meat? Does it stink? Has it been sprayed down with anything? Is it cold? Will that seat cover have to be replaced? Is it Kobe beef? Looks lean. They hugged her! They touched the meat dress! Ewwwwww.
6. Ray Lewis. Didn't he kill a guy? Sweet.
7. At the engagement party this weekend, one of the new sisters-in-law said "LeAnn Rimes just walked in, she looks just like LeAnn Rimes for sure" about me. In response to this, Adam H. Newman's Mom said "Yep. Kind of. A combo of LeAnn Rimes and David Spade maybe". She told me about the funny she made while picking lint off my sweater and laughing. She claims it was in regards to our similar comedy style and not looks, but I can see through her straight to the evil core. Adam always says my Mom looks like Dustin Hoffman so... this sadly alllll makes sense.
8. The camera on my phone stopped working. How am I supposed to text people pics of my cleavage now?
9. Glee, Always Sunny and The League all come back on this week. I asked my roommate if we could please get HBO before Eastbound & Down comes back on so I no longer have to leave our house until Spring.
10. Hey Ryan Reynolds, I just want to let you know that even though you have brown eyes and I think they tend to look empty and emotionless, I would totally still nail you because you are tall and funny. I like that picture of you in GQ where you're lying in the grass. Give me a call.
11. I know a boy who left work at 5 and drove 8 hours to wake up his little brother and surprise him with a visit and canoe trip. I texted my little sister who is 2 hours away good luck at her soccer game as she was on her way there and I was watching football. You decide who the bigger sweetheart is.
12. When my other little sister texts me "this gallon of sangria wine can't even handle me right now" on a Sunday at around 8pm, I know we are surely cut from the same cloth.
13. Just when I thought my friend (we are now calling her Ruxin after the character from The League) was super awesome and even more "one of the guys" than me, she says the following to me this morning: "My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion is a modern day classic". Um, correct. Classic piece of shit! That songs sucks so hard it hurts! Your heart will go on? No, it won't. Not if you're dead. Your love may, but your heart is an organ and it won't work once you stop living. Give it up, Celine, and sing I Drove All Night. That is the jammy jam!
14. My car is in the shop right now because there is "a bad noise in the rear of the transmission" says my co-worker who examined it. After an obvious "that's what she said" I asked him what this means. He doesn't know, gotta wait for shop guy's opinion. I can't wait for them to call me and tell me it's something simple and will cost me nothing to fix.
15. Taylor Swift, you can stop acting like a rape victim now. Kanye West was a drunken idiot, but it's not like he concussed you on TV. He even said sorry as he took the mic from your hand! Gentlemanly! Though I like you and your songs, I hope your VMA performance ends the victim routine. Kanye West's big mistake made you more famous than you were ever going to be. He doesn't need your sympathy. He's got all that Power!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Not that there's anything WRONG with that....
A few months ago, I was bitching about how I don't have enough gay male friends. I have the lesbian count in check, but I am seriously lacking some fabulosity. I... may not need to ask for that anymore. My guys are suddenly pushing the boundaries of their inner gayness. And I LIKE it. Makes ME feel like a real man. Walk with me through this hall of shame.
- My roommate made curry to take to a work pot luck. Curry? Really? I came home and the guy had a glass of red wine poured and was finely chopping onions for his special dish. I had just eaten beer cheese soup and pretzels for dinner at the bar. Mind you, this is a man who wears "Mitch-a-Palooza" t-shirts on the reg.
- One of them asked me if I was "mad at at him or something" during a pre-show for a football game. Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you? Is this Maury? We're about to watch sports. You better get some medicine for that gnarly case of the feelings you caught.
- One of them left his wife at her guy friends house watching football while he went home... to watch tennis. Tennis!
- I got in my roommate's huge truck the other day just as he was selecting "Teenage Dream" on his iPod. Now, I love this song, but does he? Are my morning listening selections turning him? Was he just being nice? It's up in the air, but all I'm saying is... he knew all the words.
- One of them professed his love for Taylor Swift DURING THE NFL SEASON OPENER PRE SHOW. Not the way she looks, but her music. He loves Taylor Swift. Loves her. That's fine, she's ok, but do you have to confess the Swifty love before Brett Favre brings his 5 o'clock shadow of power to the field?
- Here is the clincher. It was an actual group effort in weakness. We had decided on a movie night earlier in the day. This was before I realized the Boise State/Virginia Tech game was on. Hugely hyped college game. Do I hate huge hype? Sure, but it's college football, who cares? The guys came over and we were watching the beginning. Boise State got right down to business and scored twice jacking the lead up to 17-0 or something like that. Still, it's a great game, lots of quick back and forth. I figure we're going to scrap movie night and keep watching, but nooooo. I was wrong. Movie is still a go. What do they put in? Robin Hood. Yes, you read that right. They chose to watch Robin Hood with Russel Crowe over an all American battle on a football field. An Australian...playing an Englishman... over Boise State?! These are actual men. Men with huge TV's, gaming systems, facial hair, smelly pits who puke and rally and have their own fantasy football teams. What was going through their heads? I had the game up on my laptop on mute for a while, but then just got over it, declared "I saw this movie the first time when it was called Gladiator and it didn't make me want to poke my own eye out. Later, girls.", and went to my room to watch matte black helmets and tight blue pants do some cool shit.
The worst part? A boy that is new to our group came over last night to watch NFL opener. I was making fun of the pansies, told him the story and he AGREED with them. "Why watch if you don't care about either of those teams?" Um, I don't know, you don't like penis (or do you?) but you don't watch only lesbian porn. You don't want to die in a car crash, but you'll sure as shit slow down to view one on the 475. Do I really have to go over this?
In other related news:
- One of my girlfriends wrote me an email this morning that read "Tell your old man, AKA Favre, to get off the field and stop throwing interceptions... though he is helping me dominate my fantasy league."
- Ducky's Mom yelled at me last night for calling her during the last 2 minutes of the Vikings losing and when she called me back the first thing she said was "uuuuugh I ate too many wings".
- The only reason I even know I still have a vagina is because I put dangly earrings in to offset the butchiness of the men's USA Soccer t-shirt I wore to work today.
What is going on here? I mean, one time Adam H. Newman bawled his little eyes out while watching the Dawson's Creek series finale, but as soon as it was over, he shoved my face and went right back to playing Halo. Nerdy, yes, but still kinda manly.
Whatever. I'm not hating on the boys. I really won't start worrying until they start borrowing my clothes. Wait... one of them DID tell me he was wearing my bedazzled jelly flip flops to the bar and actually put them on. Hmm.... drunk? Or gay? You guys be the judge.
In other semi-related news:
- I fucking hate curry. It smells weird.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
18 Weeks of Duckiness
My girl bestie is 18 weeks pregnant today with a baby we call Ducky. I can't really decide if it's Ducky or Duckie, but it's also Duckers, Duckface, Duck Duck Goose, etc so does it matter? No. I would like to get the Duck started out right and let he/she know a few things. This will be the first of many letters I write to this little angel.
Dear Duckling,
Hey, how about that ride in? (that is both a movie quote and a disgusting shout out to your father, let's get your sense of humor tuned right away) I have waited a long time to hear that you were in there baking and I can't even tell you how excited I am for the day I get to meet you. I will be the one with the freckles, smelling of booze and Angel perfume and laughing while crying. You'll get used to it.
You are one lucky kid. You have one of the coolest families I can think of. Everyone likes them, they're all good looking, they know how to party, it's ridiculous. Your cousin got the jump on you for first grandchild, but I wouldn't worry about that. There's enough love and over-the-top adoration to go around with these peeps. You and your cuz are SO cool with each other that you both attended your first Dave Matthews Band tailgate and concert together already. Though, one of you was almost fully baked and I'm not even sure you had fingers or toes yet. Speaking of baked, sorry about all the grass that got smoked around you that night. It's Dave, whatcha gonna do?
Let's discuss your father. He has a very full head of hair. The very first night I met him, I told your Mom not to go there, but now I'm pretty glad she went with her normal routine of not listening to me. I actually warned him too, but again, few people pay me much attention in the advice department. He has been wonderful. He's very smart and very witty and he makes your Mother damn near giddy. He is also quite thoughtful. He makes sure I am involved in big moments of your Mom's life even though I am 2500 miles away from her and he has never had to ask me what to get her for a birthday or Christmas. He listens and observes. He also once volunteered to drive to the valley from the Marina to pick me up on a street corner after a long night. (I'll tell you that story later.) I can tell you the exact moment I knew that he was in love with your Mom. They had a fight, she dumped him, and he called me to ask me what to do. Me?! To risk that kind of rant and ridicule... I knew the guy was for real. He gives me good advice, he makes fun of me to my face, and he wore race car suspenders when he married your Mom. Nuff said.
Now for your Mother. In my eyes, she is as close to flawless as it gets. My own Mom dislikes most people and feels the same, that's how awesome she is. She and I had a rocky start, a funny story that I will tell you about later, but I finally came to my senses and fell in love with her like most people do. She makes me a better person. She makes me celebrate my birthday when I don't want to, wear heels when I don't want to and wear less perfume and I always end up thanking her. One time, she was making fun of me over IM and she called me a "jenius". I almost pissed myself laughing. She and I enjoy long days of shopping and talking so loudly over each other that people in the store stare. She's really fun to watch college football with because not only does she know more about it than most men, she makes great snacks and doesn't shush you during the games. She drove an hour from her job to my crappy hospital deep in the Valley to sit at the end of my bed while I slept for days straight. She came to my apartment while I recovered and did my dishes and put flowers around the place. She came to my office, kidnapped me and made me sit at PF Changs bawling instead of making a huge mistake with a horrible boy. You need to listen to her. Always. She can be forceful and demanding, but she does it for the right reasons. She has a really weird, deep voice when she first wakes up, sorry about that. She loves regular Coke and pretty much anything deep fried and/or covered in cheese. She makes the best cut out cookies in the whole wide world. She claps really fast and her eyes get crazy, scary big when she's happy. She is even more beautiful inside than out, if you can believe that's possible. I could honestly go on and on, but I will leave you with this... just WAIT til I show you this old school picture of her in a lace Britney-style half shirt and gobs of eyeliner. Ha!
As for you... you are 5 inches long from your head to your cutie buns. I have seen a picture of you, and once you pass alien stage, I believe you'll be a real looker. You appear to be pretty content in there. You have given your Mom goiterish acne and made her gain 7 lbs in the last week, but she still likes you. When you move, she says it feels like tiny little lighting bolts and I think that's pretty great. I can't wait to see you in 3D and feel you move for the first time. I have already shed lots and lots of happy tears over you. Don't get smug about it.
College football starts today, so everyone in your family (besides your Dad) will be kind of distracted until the end of November. I'll still be here to talk though, your Mom has my cell. You're probably going to be eating a LOT of hot dogs, pizza and chips. Get nice and fat in there, please. I love fat babies.
Until next time, Duckers, know this.... you are already loved more than you can imagine.
Smoooooooch
Dear Duckling,
Hey, how about that ride in? (that is both a movie quote and a disgusting shout out to your father, let's get your sense of humor tuned right away) I have waited a long time to hear that you were in there baking and I can't even tell you how excited I am for the day I get to meet you. I will be the one with the freckles, smelling of booze and Angel perfume and laughing while crying. You'll get used to it.
You are one lucky kid. You have one of the coolest families I can think of. Everyone likes them, they're all good looking, they know how to party, it's ridiculous. Your cousin got the jump on you for first grandchild, but I wouldn't worry about that. There's enough love and over-the-top adoration to go around with these peeps. You and your cuz are SO cool with each other that you both attended your first Dave Matthews Band tailgate and concert together already. Though, one of you was almost fully baked and I'm not even sure you had fingers or toes yet. Speaking of baked, sorry about all the grass that got smoked around you that night. It's Dave, whatcha gonna do?
Let's discuss your father. He has a very full head of hair. The very first night I met him, I told your Mom not to go there, but now I'm pretty glad she went with her normal routine of not listening to me. I actually warned him too, but again, few people pay me much attention in the advice department. He has been wonderful. He's very smart and very witty and he makes your Mother damn near giddy. He is also quite thoughtful. He makes sure I am involved in big moments of your Mom's life even though I am 2500 miles away from her and he has never had to ask me what to get her for a birthday or Christmas. He listens and observes. He also once volunteered to drive to the valley from the Marina to pick me up on a street corner after a long night. (I'll tell you that story later.) I can tell you the exact moment I knew that he was in love with your Mom. They had a fight, she dumped him, and he called me to ask me what to do. Me?! To risk that kind of rant and ridicule... I knew the guy was for real. He gives me good advice, he makes fun of me to my face, and he wore race car suspenders when he married your Mom. Nuff said.
Now for your Mother. In my eyes, she is as close to flawless as it gets. My own Mom dislikes most people and feels the same, that's how awesome she is. She and I had a rocky start, a funny story that I will tell you about later, but I finally came to my senses and fell in love with her like most people do. She makes me a better person. She makes me celebrate my birthday when I don't want to, wear heels when I don't want to and wear less perfume and I always end up thanking her. One time, she was making fun of me over IM and she called me a "jenius". I almost pissed myself laughing. She and I enjoy long days of shopping and talking so loudly over each other that people in the store stare. She's really fun to watch college football with because not only does she know more about it than most men, she makes great snacks and doesn't shush you during the games. She drove an hour from her job to my crappy hospital deep in the Valley to sit at the end of my bed while I slept for days straight. She came to my apartment while I recovered and did my dishes and put flowers around the place. She came to my office, kidnapped me and made me sit at PF Changs bawling instead of making a huge mistake with a horrible boy. You need to listen to her. Always. She can be forceful and demanding, but she does it for the right reasons. She has a really weird, deep voice when she first wakes up, sorry about that. She loves regular Coke and pretty much anything deep fried and/or covered in cheese. She makes the best cut out cookies in the whole wide world. She claps really fast and her eyes get crazy, scary big when she's happy. She is even more beautiful inside than out, if you can believe that's possible. I could honestly go on and on, but I will leave you with this... just WAIT til I show you this old school picture of her in a lace Britney-style half shirt and gobs of eyeliner. Ha!
As for you... you are 5 inches long from your head to your cutie buns. I have seen a picture of you, and once you pass alien stage, I believe you'll be a real looker. You appear to be pretty content in there. You have given your Mom goiterish acne and made her gain 7 lbs in the last week, but she still likes you. When you move, she says it feels like tiny little lighting bolts and I think that's pretty great. I can't wait to see you in 3D and feel you move for the first time. I have already shed lots and lots of happy tears over you. Don't get smug about it.
College football starts today, so everyone in your family (besides your Dad) will be kind of distracted until the end of November. I'll still be here to talk though, your Mom has my cell. You're probably going to be eating a LOT of hot dogs, pizza and chips. Get nice and fat in there, please. I love fat babies.
Until next time, Duckers, know this.... you are already loved more than you can imagine.
Smoooooooch
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