Duck, Duck, Dead Cat

I'm leaving the house last night to have a cocktail. I'm heading up the street from my house and I see something moving across it in the darkness. I can tell it's a living creature and it's low to the ground, but taller in the front and sort of waving in the back. The first thing I think is "Oh gross. One of the little lacrosse bullies (my neighborhood child gang) has a huge pet lizard the scaled bastard is on the loose!", but as I get closer, I recognize the tall part of the reptile beast. It's not a lizard at all, or even one animal. It's a mama duck leading a trail of 4 babies across the street in the night. I damn near explode with happiness.

I cover my mouth as I'm squealing. I consider canceling drinks so I can follow them around to see they make it safely somewhere. I grip my door handle thinking I'll just get out and scoop them up and make them pets. I consider going back to my house to make giant signs to place around the neighborhood reading SLOW! WE HAVE DUCKS!, but I decide these are all bad ideas that would most likely frighten the babies and get the mama to beak me to death.

I end up having a few drinks, but can barely concentrate on anything BUT those damn ducks. On my way home, I drive painfully slow just in case. As I pull in my driveway, I see one of the cats that lives in the neighborhood in the driveway next door. Normally, I'm trying to save them or the raving mad Pomeranian that apparently keeps escaping from one of my neighbors, but let's face it... baby ducks > cats.

I need some meow mix and rat poison. Kidding! Or am I.....

Lifening

A hand upon my foreheadA joke and then a laughWaking up in your armsA place to call my own
This is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from life
Ireland in the World CupEither North or SouthThe fan club on the jukeboxThe birds and yes the bees
This is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from life
Words of reassuranceBut only if they're trueJust some simple kindnessNo vengeance from the Gods
This is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from life
To share what I've been givenSome kids eventuallyAnd be for them what I've hadA father like my dad
This is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from lifeThis is all I ever wanted from life
To share what I've been given

It's The Little Things

I don't think anyone can understand how happy I am that:

1. JVDB is back on TV. And on a show I totes heart.

2. My yard, house and armpits (combo of Old Spice and slight BO) smell of summertime coming.

3. My roommate and I now regularly talk to each other like Muppets.

Except you, blog readers. You always get me.

Science And Progress Do Not Speak As Loud As My Heart

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

Daaaaaamn, He Fine

When people don't get my James Van Der Beek (JVDB) obsession, I wonder, sometimes silently, sometimes loudly, what the fuck is wrong with them.

He's the perfect combination of boy and man! He looks great in a tux. He looks great in a t-shirt. He appears to have the ideal amount of chest hair. Not so much he's a gorilla, but not so little you wonder if it's plugs. He likes redheads, he makes cute babies. He has mischievously squinty eyes on top of artfully crafted face scruff, for God's sake!

I'm a fan of 3 things in a dude:

1. Blue Eyes

2. Proper Grammar (knowing the difference between 'your' and 'you're' will do)

3. And the ability to consistently make me laugh without annoying the shit out of me in the process.

If you have all of these things (and you are also handsome and old enough to legally buy me an alcoholic drink), I will go on at least one date with you.

JVDB not only possesses all of these qualities, but he was also Dawson and Mox. One guy pined after his childhood love for most of his life, but then bedded the sassy cougar, the other was stand-up enough to resist the whip cream bikini to keep his nerd girlfriend and then spit out "I don't want your life" to his coach (or dad, I can't remember) and I believed him! I believed he didn't want that life! And now, he has a new career out of making fun of his old, successful career.... the man is a genius!

As far as I'm concerned, if he doesn't wear all-white tennis shoes, beat her (where bruises show) or constantly ask for hand jobs when she's SO tired, his wife is the luckiest girl on planet Earth. That Bitch.

I mean... come on, man... he's dreamy as all hell...

Aaaand This Just Became A Dream Journal

I sold my LA apartment and cried. My mom, Grandparents and friend Tyler came to help me move. I assigned Tyler to carry the heavy 70's style TV complete with decorative wood casing, but then decided I didn't need it. He was useless (as always). As I cried to my old lady landlord that I loved living there and felt very safe, I asked her if she had any buildings in Chicago I should check out. She said yes, and Brooklyn, and for a split second I thought to myself "Brooklyn? Maybe I want to move there instead?".

Next thing I know, my bed is still intact and I'm making out with Justin Timberlake and its headed STRAIGHT for sexual intercourse. He's much less smooth and commanding as I thought he would be in the bedroom. He's sort of the TJ I remember from working on NSync videos, but with even less swag. And.... and incredibly weird shaped penis. I'm shocked, but I decide to just keep going because.. meh, it's JT. This isn't going anywhere, just enjoy his FutureLoveSexSounds and go on with life. When he asks for a condom, I secretly think "is it even going to work on that weird ass thing?" but again, I proceed. Just as it's about to happen, I hear this incredibly weird noise and JT looks up in shock at some weird midget outside my window that just looked in and moved on. Out loud I say "I'm really going to miss LA" and we go on about our business. I don't really remember the actual act or him leaving so we're probably still in a relationship in dreamland.

Next thing I know, I'm holding a baby, he loudly shits in my arms. I sigh and say "This kid just filled his pants". He now has a baby nurse and she's anxiously staring him down because she wants to take him and fix the stink problem, but I sort of gently yank him back and say "I've got it, I've changed thousands of diapers." almost rudely because I'm annoyed she's even there. I cart him away upstairs to get him fresh buns before he realizes he's chilling is his own excrement and tries to cry about it. Next thing I know, his mother is behind me saying she can't wait to see how weirded out I get by this as if I haven't been changing shitty diapers since 6th grade. (yeah, I had to take care of babies before I ever kissed a boy, foreshadowing anyone??) I ask her how that's even possible and she says "Because you've changed mostly girls, he has actual balls." I lie him down, look down at his still smiling face and say to her "If you can handle the adult kind, the baby kind should be a breeze" and I get down to business. Meanwhile, my non-boyfriend is busy telling me to hurry up because it's time to go drink and I tell him "JUST GO WITHOUT ME!" and I have no idea why I'm being so rude, but it doesn't help because all he does is leave the room and start calling my phone to say the same thing. I look down at the STILL smiling babyface and say "maybe he needs his shitty pants changed too. But more violently". The baby enjoys this and claps.

The baby nurse comes in and looks down and me while I all-too-loudly say "All done!" in her face. While standing the baby up to do some assisted walking.

And that's the kind of dreams you have when you eat McDonald's, frozen pizza and Hibachi all in one day, folks. I'm going to keep that pattern up!