Lick Whatever You Want!!

www.itgetsbetter.org/

If you visit this link and it's not already there, please look up the speech of Joel Burns. It's in the Popular section. Very, very moving.

I'm not one to take a political stance on a blog where I discuss woodchucks and jacking myself off, but the issue of gay rights is very important to me. And really, it's just the issue of being young or growing up and being able to be exactly who you fucking are.

If you're a racist? Well, welcome to America! You can express that here and even vote for people who share your views. Congrats! If you hate racists? Guess what, you're welcome too!! And again, you are free to tell the racists to go fuck themselves and attempt to elect people that support civil rights.

If you're a drunken, child-molesting, playground-meth-dealing, puppy-kicking fuck bag? You can walk into an office in Vegas, plunk down a cool hundy, and be married to your toothless wonder shit-eating fuck bag lover in a jiffy. And guess what? My taxes will probably help pay for the cost of your living in some way!

If you're a hard working, honest, caring, loving, helpful woman and you want to marry the vagina you dig licking on the reg? Fuuuuuck that! You have a select few places to go in this country if you would like your union to be considered legal and be awarded the same rights as the Boones-chugging winners above.

It's just unbelievable to me. And honestly, if you don't believe in or disagree with homosexualityness, (its a word) then that's your right as well and I understand. But, what is so sad to me, is that in a country where you are told you can be anything, some kids or grown ups are so afraid to be what they have always known, that they feel suicide is their only relief. Relief from not only feeling trapped in a prison of their own self-awareness, but being bullied or ridiculed by those around them.

I know it's not the same thing, but to me it is. I grew up with Crohn's Disease. From 7 on, I was always different, always sick, always smaller, needed surgeries, had a tube hanging out of my belly that plugged into a machine, I mean the fucking works. An absolute nightmare for any adolescent really. But, not for ONE SECOND did I ever feel like I had to hide that. It was who I was, it was the hand God dealt me, my family and friends supported me, dudes still wanted my vagina, and I was just proud I kept on moving and smiling. And it's something I will have my whole life on and off. And I can't imagine the agony I would feel if students at my school, my coworkers, boyfriends or the people I had to deal with on a daily basis over life harassed me for it. I mean, Adam H Newman had a BIG problem with the farting, but I probably could have taken that to another room, you know?

To me, living with Crohn's is just who I am and what I do. It's as simple as breathing to me. Just as I imagine being gay is that way to a gay person. I certainly don't want someone to bully me over having huge belly scars. Just as I don't feel the need to to bully a guy that wants to lick another dude's shaft. Get it, dude. I know, they're awesome.

And again, if you're not down with the gayness, I get it, and that's your right and be yourself. But please don't show how dickless you really are by ever threatening someone who is. If you are gay, or you read this blog and know someone stricken by the gayness, give them a hug. They may have come through a lot. If you're a kid and you're struggling and you come across this blog, go to that website above and know that it does and will get better for you.

I mean.... I hate to rant, but if there's one thing I gotta speak my mind about, it's fucked up, dickless, meth-dealing, puppy-kicking, gay-bashing, kid-bullying fuck bags who torture woodchucks and don't jack off enough. Go fuck your cousin or something. That should get your aggression out.

Missy Lately

1. I do lunges and push ups off the sink in the bathroom at work every day. Then go back to my computer and email about how fucking buff I am. My friend CC and I are currently in a "buff off". Both only working out AT work. Sometimes I walk through the accounting cubicles, pulling back fake punches, seeing which old ladies flinch.

2. I'm obsessed with Benefit High Beam even though a friend of mine recently told me they may be putting toxic shit in their make up. Whatever... have you seen my cheeks glow?? Sure, maybe it's a radioactive glow, but a glow indeed!

3. My friend who we'll call MegaTits recently tipped me off to some hilarious pictures on facebook. A girl we went to school with has some sort of obsession with "pouting". Allll sorts of crazy ass poses with her pouting and pushing her tits together and talking about "V". Is she confused? High? Watching too much True Blood? Whatever it is, the pic of her upside down on a chair pouting could possibly get blown up and appear on my bedroom wall. For inspiration.

4. I have a wedgie pretty much 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

5. My new favorite articles of clothing are 2 pairs of shorts I got from Wal Mart for $12 each. They look like regular shorts on the front, but then there's a wide elastic band around the back. It's official. I'm back in the Midwest for good.

6. Apparently you can now carry a gun pretty much anywhere you want in Ohio if you have a concealed weapons permit. This includes bars, parks and stadiums. ......yayyyyyy?

7. I recently watched an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. And by "watched" I mean "was fucking glued to". Next thing I knew, I was going bonkers taping every episode I could find. Other shows I have recently also become addicted to: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Swamp People. Again.... I now live in the Midwest. And I'm really getting into it.

8. Lately, my jack off schedule has become more stressful than my actual job.

9. I have now decided I only eat (really bad) fast food on Fridays. What that means is that every day of the week, I get to say "4 more days til a Big Mac!" and "3 more days til a Big Mac and a McDouble!" and "Guys, in 2 more days I'm ordering McDonald's for breakfast, lunch and dinner!" and "Tomorrow I'm going to eat my fucking weight in nuggets, ya'll!!!". Everyone within ear shot of me at work is super impressed.

10. Britney Spears' body is hot again, but man, does she look dead-eyed or what? When I have my eventual breakdown, please don't put me on her meds cocktail.

Neat Stuff That Happened Today

1. Work is typical. I have to finish the paperwork of others instead of my own so I'll inevitably be late getting the totals in that I need to, but I'll be a team player so I have THAT going for me. Yippee!!

2. I realize I have forgotten my Uncrustables at home and the only thing I can think of that I actually want to consume is a GD Uncrustable because it's about 500 degrees outside and I don't dare brave the fire to get other food. Not even a McDouble.

3. I go to fix my self a nice big glass of ice water. I grab the ice cube tray from the work fridge. I twist the tray to loosen a cube. Part of it shatters off so hard it cuts my fucking face. No lie. A razor blade of ice slices my cheek open. What. The. Fuck.

4. I pant and suffer in the heat of my car all the way to Midas to get my oil changed and my A/C problem diagnosed. I had previously spoken to the guy at the counter and said I don't want to pay for this and him then tell me "Yep, doesn't work. Broken. Pretty hot in there, huh?". I wanted him to tell me exactly what was wrong so then I could decide how to fix it. He assured me this is what would happen. What actually happened was that he told me I needed to pay him $100 instead of the $20 diagnostic cost to put refrigerant in, charge that, THEN put dye in to run through to see where the leak in the system is. "Come back when it blows hot again. At least you'll have A/C for tomorrow, right?" Wrong, motherfucker. You closed and locked the Midas doors behind me and my shit blew hot the second I drove out of the parking lot. I wouldn't want to be you tomorrow if it doesn't magically cool down on my way to work. Because that means you charged me $100 and didn't even bother to see if the shit worked before your service guy with the nose ring wanted out of there to meet his fat as girlfriend down the street at the Village Idiot. See you at 5:20pm dirtbag. By the way, cool facial hair.

5. I Skyped with The Muffin and her Mommy. Watched her giggle and smile and reach at the screen. She was an animal.

6. I grilled some chicken and peppers on the deck while soaking in the rest of the sun. As I sat down to eat my yummy, self-cooked dinner, I look down to slice a pepper and the juice from it squirts directly into both of my eyes at the same time. Really awesome.

Guess which one of these things didn't make me want to punch someone in the head?

This Shirt Smells Like It's Previous Owner. I Think

Questions I have asked myself so far this morning.

1. Why am I semi attracted to Cee Lo? Is it because I'm looking at him sitting next to Adam Levine and Adam just automatically makes everything within a 20 foot radius hot?

Answer: Possibly. Or it's those tiny little arms and sausage fingers.

2. Am I even ready to see the clip of Breaking Dawn Part 1? Like, emotionally, am I ready? This is the beginning of the end. Though other obsessions have come into my life, there is only one Twilight Saga. Am I ready?

Answer: Yes. I have already set the DVR and put aside some sniffing salts and kleenex.

3. Should I re-paint my toes right now? Light?

Answer: Who the fuck cares. They're just toes. Sure. Light.

4. Do the Chicken Verde Healthy Choice Steamers replace my weekend morning Chipotle? They are pretty damn good.

Answer: Like the Twilight Saga of food, nothing can replace Chipotle for me, but it's a great alternative and less than half the damn calories.

5. Why can't I look away from that lady Coco that's married to Ice T?

Answer: Because her tits and ass look inflatable and she has the jaw of a GD man. I love it!

6. Why am I still wearing my goodwill t-shirt (that I didn't even was before wearing) with the kittens and flag on it?

2-part Answer: Because I'm a fucking scumbag and because it's the best 1 dollar I ever spent!

7. When I get my hands on the Duck and the Muffin again, will I squeeze them to death like Lenny in Of Mice And Men?

Answer: I really hope not.

8. How fucking good is Mt Dew?

Answer: Super fucking good!

9. If I go to Wal Mart right now, will it make me depressed about life like usual or happier because I'll buy sweet tea vodka?

Answer: I should go to Meijer. I have a coupon. And fuck Wal Mart.

10. What is that weird smell?

Answer: I think..... it's my butt. Yikes.

Way To Ruin It.

I honestly spent like 45 fucking minutes while shopping tonight thinking about why Sex and the City 1 was so good and Sex and the City 2 sucked so much dirty cock. All I came up with is that the person writing the dialogue for 2 was clearly sniffing gasoline for a very long time before submitting that script.

Asshole (s).