Maybe I'm Pregnant, Maybe I'm Not, But 2 Things I Don't Fuck With: Gang Members And Condoms. (Brian Told Me This Joke)

Yesterday I went so ape shit downloading Spice Girls songs on iTunes that I bought several twice. I didn't realize they had a greatest hits album. My bad.

After that I decided to go to the salon and get bangs. I forgot I had them when I woke up this morning and was momentarily mortified that I had ripped out so much hair in my sleep. False alarm! They are adorable.

I have my first family doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I have a huge fear they're going to tell me I'm pregnant because I was given a very stern lecture on safe sex during the New Years Day Brunch. Good thing I had enough mimosas in me not to care what my friends think.

I am thrilled to start watching Twin Peaks on Netflix because I can't wait to finally get what my parents were gossiping about back in the 90's. If they put My So Called Life on there, my whole world will be made. Brian thinks both of these shows are stupid. He couldn't get through the first 10 minutes of Twin Peaks without bitching. Next month he'll watch it by himself and tell me how great it is like he did with Scandal.

I don't understand...are we supposed to enjoy the Jennifer Lawrence song about the tree?? It sounds like French dance music they play in low-lit bars or Express. It reminds me of shopping for The Editor slacks. Maybe a champagne commercial. Do I love it or hate it? I don't even know anymore.

Leather Belt With A Tutu?? Fuck Yes, I'm In.

Last night I had a dream I was at an event and I was wearing my boot-cut, distressed Seven For All Mankind Jeans. I don't remember the top, I don't remember the shoes, I just remember the jeans. I think for part of the dream I was mortified, and for the other part I was trying to own it like "whatever, these could come back in at any second and they're mad comfortable, bitch."

Why did I have this dream? I have no idea. Maybe it's because I keep staring at a pair of Ralph Lauren boots in the corner of the bedroom and wondering if it will ever not be fucking slushy out so I can wear them instead of Uggs or wellies. (Even though I got carried for 7 blocks on NYE. People just carry me, y'all) Maybe it's because I refuse to not wear turtlenecks and my friends are all "give it up!" and I'm all "nah". Maybe it's because I obsess over "style" and what it means to everyone.  Maybe it's because I have been looking at a lot of flashback posts concerning early 2000s fashion and shuddering at all the square-toe shoes and boots.

One of these posts today was regarding Victoria Beckham. Look, she had a lot of whack shit going on in the 2000s, but they brought this outfit up and I'm like "Whaaaaaat? That look is my FAVE!".  I would legit wear this to a spring event to this day. It has colors I love, materials I love and ruffles! And sparkles! Also, I'm a huge fan of mixing genres of clothing, like a leather belt with a formal dress. It adds a little bohemian/preppy flair to the mix and who knew that was even possible? It's possible because it's Posh Spice. And with Posh, all things are possible.

No shit, I may start shopping for an ensemble like this for spring parties. Much to the dismay of my friends. Or anyone who has to converse with me and try to make eye contact instead of staring at all the conflicting details of my insane outfit. Fuck them, I look rad. #tutusforever

Omg, it's 2015, motherfuckers!!! Dat shit wild.

My position as Pure Barre Ambassador has been nothing short of wonderful. I got to combine the three things I love most in this world; Pure Barre, writing, and talking about myself. JK. Sort of. 

Probably the part I loved most about being the PBA was the fact that it brought people out of the woodwork telling me how much they enjoy my writing. Not just PB enthusiasts, or current close friends of mine who always encourage me to do more writing, but we're talking actual reputable humans. Humans who own law firms. Humans who run wealth management companies. Humans who just bought and renovated the David Whitney building in downtown Detroit.  Humans I am extremely fortunate to be facebook (and/or actual) friends with. I couldn't believe the reaction! Shit was mad life affirming!! On New Years Eve I got asked if I had a writing portfolio. wtf.... Is that? Guess I better figure it out soon as one of my resolutions was to get much more involved in the creative aspects of my life. That is happening faster than I anticipated and, from what Pinterest tells me via inspirational quotes, "all the greats do awesome shit before they're prepared to do said awesome shit."  or something....

Anyway, where I was actually going with all this is that my brain is pretty empty today after all that New Year Reflection and I just wanted to list a few things I realized I really miss. I miss this stuff, guys. I do. I miss it.

1. Cher. The musician and actress. What's that wild bitch up to? Have you even SEEN The Witches of Eastwick? She's the shiz.

2. Vito's Mediterranean Pizza in Toledo. Also prosciutto crepes.

3.  Pearl Drops Tooth Polish. I think this may have proven to be toxic, but DAMN did you get some white teeth with that stuff.

4. Sticker books. What the fuck were we even doing collecting stickers? HAVING FUN, THAT'S WHAT.

5. Little Debbie Lemon Sticks. Or Stix. I'm not sure how Deb spelled them.

6. Apparently, my ex-boyfriend Tim. I had a dream about him shirtless last night and it was highly enjoyable.

7. Brian's beardless face. He looks mad hot with a beard, but I just miss his normal face that doesn't require special oils and intricate grooming. Plus, he's always twisting it and that reminds me of every evil character in history.

8.  Not giving a shit about working freelance. Ah, when we were all so young and fucking dumb.

9.  Sun tea. This is an easy fix, I just need to make it, but it's not gonna be the same as my Grandma's.

10. My virginity.

VIBES

Yesterday, I posted the facebook status: "My heart says 'Cut your hair to your shoulders and you'll look JUST like Taylor Swift'. My head screams 'Cut your hair to your shoulders and you'll look JUST like your father wearing a wig of your newly-chopped hair!'"

That status got something like 30 likes. For my random thought. Every day I ask myself why I'm not taking a crack at writing professionally and every day my answer is "Oh look! A re-run of Real Housewives of Atlanta is on!". (I'm easily distracted)

Today I woke up feeling positively giddy and excited like all my dreams were about to come true. I have no idea if they will or not, but I walked into my office and someone had put an iced coffee on my desk, then someone paid for my Wendy's in the drive through in front of me, THEN I caught a mouse in a live trap successfully and let him go and he looked back at me as if we had an understanding of mutual respect and joy for life, THEN I got in to the 6pm Pure Barre class with Arika when I was last 5th on the wait list.

WHAT'S NEXT?! A million dollar check gonna fall out of the sky in my name?!

I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller, I Wish I Was A Baller, I Wish I Was A Bitch With A Badass Side Eye

I truly wish I had a super strong resting bitchface/side eye combo, but normally I just resemble a puppy that you left alone all day and is really happy to see you.

*sigh*

I Forgot Two

6.  I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat on Sunday night while watching Scandal. When I finally decided on sushi, I called and ordered for both of us to be picked up by him because I'll be damned if I'M paying for sushi when I'd settle for a Hot n Ready. Anyhoo, I ordered crunchy shrimp roll and shrimp ebi and was told "That is such a white girl sushi order" by him after opening it and taking a piece for himself. Real nice. Also, complete nonsense. I didn't even order California Roll!

7. Speaking of Scandal, I took a quiz titled "Which Character on Scandal Should You Get Drunk With" and stumbled across a spoiler that made me so enraged I punched a pillow and screamed. I take this shit seriously.

Isn't It Weird To Think That "Timber" by Pitbull And Ke$ha Was Just Coming Out This Time Last Year???

A few of the most random things that have occurred lately.

1. I got chosen as the Ambassador to Pure Barre for the last month of this year. That wasn't exactly random as I got an email notifying me that I was chosen and to prepare articles and social media posts for each week, but the overwhelmingly positive response I have received after my first article was posted was VERY unexpected and lovely. Every time someone stops me in class to tell me they loved my story I almost burst into tears. Such a me thing to do.

2. Speaking of Pure Barre, I had a dream last night that someone, I'm not sure who but I know the subject was male, told me "your ass really isn't what it used to be" so you know I woke up this morning still angry and ready to WORK tonight in class. Watch out everyone, I'mma need my space during seat work.

3. Speaking of dreams, I also had a dream a few nights ago that Taylor Swift became friends with me, invited me to her Detroit show, then afterward, Tony Chin-Quee and I took her to the dirtiest, scariest diner/bar I have ever seen that actually had some sort of dirt-floored attachment on it's side (this may very well be Nancy Whiskey I'm thinking of because that's a scary ass bar that everyone seems to love) where we were hanging out and practicing stripper moves. You guys, I don't even know on this one. My subconscious is a strange place.

4. Speaking of Detroit events, I had totally forgotten the DAC Holiday party was this Saturday. All I knew was that I had selected dresses all through the year to have ready for party season in order to not worry at all. I was ready!! Oh, until I was informed it is "Great Gatsby" themed. Cool. Whatever. One of my outfits is a gorgeous little black jumpsuit with lace that can be styled and accessorized to be Gastby-ish. I figured I'd cruise into my local vintage shop just in case to see if there was anything slightly better. Oh yeah. Ohhhh yeah there was. I told the girls what I was looking for and out comes this incredible dove grey flapper dress with beautiful beading and fringe. I gasped. It's big on me so it drapes in the back, but whatever. It's a once-in-a-lifetime find and I'm going with it. Boom. That's probably the luckiest last minute dress find I've ever experienced.  

And PS, my closet is becoming a place that my daughter is going to looooooooove with all these dresses.

And PSS, there's apparently a champagne fountain at the party because the committee had an extra 3K they didn't know how to spend. I say great choice! Why donate it around the holidays?! *insert eye roll*

5. I can't stop eating pomegranates. Can't stop. Peeling them open slowly is like therapy and they taste like candy, but are full of antioxidants. Is there a more random fruit to love???