I Am Totally OK With Never Hearing These Songs Again

1. "Baby, I love your way". I have no idea who originated it, I don't care. Just get it out of my ears. Forever.

2. "Jammin" - Bob Marley. I'm sorry. I really am sorry, but.... I can't. I just can't.

3. "Get Lucky" - Daft Punk. The fact that it's so marketable that it can be played on pretty much every station in existence wore it out in about 37 seconds. NO MORE.

4. "Lights" - Ellie Goulding. You know why? Because this song came out about 2 years before it ever became popular and I'm ready for NEW stuff to be played by Ellie because she's amazing. Love her.

5. "I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You" - Savage Garden. This doesn't even make fucking sense! I wrote a ridiculous song called "White Heat Runnin' Through The Moonlight" when I was 9 years old that is better than this shit.

6. "The Cupid Shuffle" - Origins (thankfully) unknown. I don't love organized religion and I like organized dance even less. I'm sick of people taking perfectly catchy songs and making them into a damn line dance (I'm looking at you, Wobblers). Cut it out!

7. "Learning To Fly" - Tom Petty. Normally love him, something about this song irks me. No thanks.

8. "Old Time Rock And Roll" - Bob Seger. Again, big fan, but at some point every wedding DJ in the world got together and were like "This is it! This is the song that kicks off my set every time and people will DANCE". Same thing could be said for "Shook Me All Night Long", but it's sexy so I'll allow it.

9. "Redneck Crazy" - Tyler Farr. This song is a newcomer to radios everywhere and the hate portion of my brain. When I first heard it, I literally thought it was a parody song from SNL or something. I actually like country, but now every single time I turn to a country station anywhere, this song is playing. And this song can suck my dick. It's terrible and it's the very reason people hate this entire genre of music. Also, the girl from this song should call the police because dude is unstable. And pathetic.

10. Anything by Peter Frampton. WTF is that guy even doing with a microphone??? Terrible.

The Woman Got Her Weave Stuck In A Fan And Still Ruled The Planet.

Sometimes, (all the time, really) you just need to fill yourself up with love. You need to totally stock your shit with love and light and positivity. You need to tell yourself that you're Beyonce even when you feel like Michelle. I mean, Michelle is pretty good. You could feel like you're the Octomom. It can always be worse. But it's not going to be if you just tell yourself it's not.

See the world through Beyonce-colored glasses. In fact, see the world through Sasha Fierce-colored glasses if that's your thing. As long as you cut out the bitchiness, lame attitude and cynicism because it's bumming me the fuck out, man.

*slides Lena Dunham-colored glasses back on face, struts away*

Manifest Destiny??

I just read a BuzzFeed thread called "31 things people in Los Angeles love". Even though they were all true and extremely cliché, I just got this sad little pang down inside which then manifested itself into a pretty serious "I'm moving back to Los Angeles within 5 years" inner dialogue. My heart was saying things to my brain like "Remember how much you love The Grove? And how the weather is unbeatable? And all the really inexpensive pedicures?". That was happening. And though I haven't really missed the place that much until now, I really did love it there. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much.

Maybe it's a phase.... or maybe it was all the excitement surrounding the Treyvon Martin riots....PMS?  I guess we shall see....

If I Had A Band I Would Name It Invisible Cameltoe

It's been so long since I blogged that the site locked me out and acted like it didn't fucking remember me. NOT COOL. Really, not cool on my part. You get one boyfriend, a new job, a half-ass other boyfriend, move to a new city and state and you just forget your internet diary, man. I'll try to be better.

I don't have anything particularly awesome to speak on so I figured I'd just ramble for a few minutes, you know, to get the juices back to flowing. 'Spose I'll just.... list some recent observations of mine.

1. I need a pedicure to kick off the summer. My toes are just all fucked up, I don't even have a funny way to describe them.

2. I keep seeing random people rollerblading. Is that a thing again? Or do I have pot brownie flashbacks?

3. The Taco Bell Cantina menu is better than expected.

4. I'm one of those girls that now thinks about cute work out clothes for Pure Barre, but I'm not yet one of those girls who will spend $90 on yoga tights. I'll stick to the kind at JT Maxx.

5. I'm having a desperate love affair with TJ Maxx. And Marshall's. And HomeGoods.

6. My butt muscles have grown to the point where I need to start shopping for different brands of jeans that allow for more booty room. If not, my existing jeans yield to my glutes and pull back on my vag camel toe style. It's unfortunate.

7. I decided to go for a run/walk on the river trail tonight. Ran 3 blocks there, took 4 steps into the woods, immediately got 5 mosquito bites, went back home to shower and call it a day.

8. I want to eat ice pops. But they're just sugary water.

9. I also want ice cream. But it makes instant fat dimples on thighs.

10. Adult acne is the worst.

11. If I'm PMSing and my nail polish chips, I could literally fly into a rage or bawl my eyes out. Or both. Or eat a bowl of ice cream and feel better.

12. I thought seriously for the very first time a few days ago about wanting a dog. Then I spent the last $20 I had on a blouse, realized I would still do that even if my dog needed food, started drinking and stopped thinking about that.

13. I don't understand how restaurants keep their cooked chicken so soft and mine gets hard.... I don't get it.

14. Belly fat is really as hard to get rid of as all the magazines claim. Those fuckers. I want to walk around to every girl chugging beer and McDonald's on Michigan State's campus and smack it out of her hand with the warning "You have NO idea how hard it will be to stay in shape in 10-13 years. Don't eat this!"

15. Man, McDonald's sounds weirdly good, even after that rant. Fucking PMS.

My Two New Favorite Mini-Phrases And Their Real Meaning

Genitally Inept = Woman
Delusionally Humble = My ego

FOOD AND SHOES

Bummers about moving to Michigan:

1. Not many TJ Maxx stores in the area
2. Always about 8 degrees colder and 5 inches snowier than Ohio.
3. No Poco Piatti, only one Chipotle
4. Mid Michigan is NOT set up grid-like
5. No Vito's Mediterranean pizza!!!! :(

Sweet ass shit about moving to Michigan:

1. No Ohio State fans.
2. Big Apple Bagles!
3. Grand Traverse Pie Company!
4. Way more lakes.
5. Dunkin Donuts!
6. More seafood restaurants
7. Pure Barre!
8. More hockey fans
9. A way bigger DSW shoe store
10. It's Michigan!!!

Side note: Clearly I like clothes, but I won't fit into any if I'm as big of a fat ass as the above lists states.

I'm About To Be Put On Trial For How Much I'm KILLING IT AT LIFE!

Ok, I honestly just have to take a minute to commemorate this moment in time because I'm absolutely CRUSHING IT AT LIFE right now. Oh, let me count the ways.

1. Became jobless in November after explaining to my former bosses how fucked up they are and that they're basically running a huge company (not to mention the souls of innocent employees) into the ground. Day before Thanksgiving - fired. Get out.

2. BUT then I rally, go home to Marcellus and work for the fam while totally reconnecting with the babyest of the baby sisters just in time for her to start her period and, guess what? SAME CYCLE AS ME! Awesome. I'm here to help you cope.

3. Got in massive passive aggressive argument with boyfriend where I basically told him to nut up or shut up and he is slowly trying to nut up. But, that being said, as he tried to pull it out of the gutter, told him "Um, take your time, I'm going to date other people" thinking "I'm not really dating other people", BUT uh, yeah. I am. Accidentally. Yeah, you read that right. A couple of random foxes just fell into my lap. Now I have to budget my time wisely.

4. Walked in to Sprint, got free iPhone. Now I'm basically connected to all  humanity in a way I never knew possible.

5. After 4 interviews and a grueling 13 page personality test, I landed a kick ass job back in Michigan. If I don't fuck it all up like a snake tornado, it will only get better and better with even bigger paychecks. College?? UNNECESSARY.

6. Discovered the show GIRLS; improved my comedy and grammar in the 4.5 hours I spent watching it. Started following them all on Twitter. Done. Killed.

7. Went tanning one time, just to get a base, came out golden brown-looking like I own summer.

8. Decided to test the baldness of my tires on Guards Prairie road on CC's birthday, slid the whole way while donutting into the driveway laughing. Managed to avoid a swamp and a Ford Taurus carrying mail. Amazing. Also, drank until I blacked out and woke up with no hangover. Boom.

9. Got earlier mentioned job in a town 2 hours away with little to no plan on how to get there. Friend disguised as an angel steps up and calls me to tell me I'll be staying with her and her lawyer boyfriend in their lake house with an already-shoveled hockey rink in front of it. AND that she also set up a meeting with a future roommate for cheap rent until I want to get my own place. THANKS, UNIVERSE!!

10. Took cookies to the last day at my temp job, got handed 3 numbers on the way out from dudes that want to hit this. I won't call any of them because they're clearly beneath me in every way, but still, it's nice to know others think this perfect peach skin and waterfall of strawberry blonde silk are as fucking spectac as I do.