Around The World And Straight To The Couch

My friends and I just had our bi-annual Around the World party. This is a festive event in which a group of grown men and women walk to designated apartments in our complex (that have different country themes) and take a shot that represents that country while acting like children and/or wild animals. There is also a beer or cocktail accompanyment and sometimes a snack. We also have a dress up theme for these. This theme was "pretty much anything football related". We had a HUGE turn out of 30+ people as well.

As I like to do... here is a rough, and I do mean rough, timeline of events of the night.

6:30pm: We are supposed to be at the first stop. Instead, I am curling Twin Set's hair, Sasha has just emerged from the shower, Squint is feeding us quesadillas and I am having my first beer for "padding".

7:10pm: We run out the door, head down to Flick's. It is packed and we are still missing half the group. The country is Germany. Must be Nazi Germany because there is no snack. We take the shot. It just tastes like liquid cocaine and I decline to ask what was in it. Since there are 3 people dressed as Refs, we announce that the five minute warning in an apartment will be signaled by their whistles instead of the usual "turn the lights on and off really fast". I am already buzzed.

8:00pm: Becks is the second stop. Ireland. There are delicious mini reubens as the snack. I realize that I hosted Ireland with an old friend, made this exact snack in the SAME apartment for a previous ATW. I trip out on that for a second. The shot is an Irish Car Bomb. I lie to Twin Set and tell her it tastes great like chocolate milk. (I have never in my life done an Irish Car Bomb...til now) We do the shot and I also decide I need extra Bailey's. And a Christmas Ale. Then I tell people it's ok to dance on the coffee table because I did it at the last ATW. I break the seal and trip over a rug.

8:30-8:45 ish: While exiting this apartment, all 3 refs blow their whistles. Becks' neighbor below flips his shit, comes out on his balcony and tells us not to come back. Little does he know, our last stop is the apartment directly below him. Sorry bro, it's only going to get louder and less organized.

9:00pm (everything after has an ish.): 3rd stop, Spain. Squint screams at people to wipe their feet. He has one of the small one bedrooms so every square inch of his place is people. A Bowling Green football player and his girlfriend stage a clothed porn shoot on his bed below a Toledo flag. It is hilarious. We have a small dance party, take a shot of a still unamed liquor, I forget to eat a quesadilla. I have a can of ... some beer. I reach into my fanny pack to change my eye black stickers because I have sweated the current ones off.

9:45ish: 4th stop...I think is 1960's New York. I have no idea where the apartment is. I follow someone else. All of us do. I turn around and see Becks screaming and waving his arms in the correct direction. We go there. The shot is white, milky, in a wine glass and tastes like a mix of medicine and anger. I take one sip and decide to drink 2 beers in it's place. I accuse Smash of being too drunk to find his way to his apartment for the last stop. I have lost track of time and my Bears head. Oh well. A girl tries to explain to me how to get to the next stop. I don't understand words and tell her I'll follow tracks in the snow.

Lights out.

10:30ish??: 5th stop. Serbia. It's another small one bedroom. I cant find the snack, decide it's too late for that shit anyway. I drink a beer. Squint and Twin Set are now having their own clothed porn shoot in the Bowling Green bedroom. Several of us cheer them on and participate. I then decide to try to wrestle Twin Set. She loses her shit and throws me off the bed and jumps on top of me to choke me. I laugh so hard I can't breathe. I don't know if this is why my neck hurts or if it was something else. I don't remember what the shot was, but we had to say something in a foreign language before taking it. I can't feel feelings anymore.

Lights out again. I ask to be carried to the last stop, someone does, I don't remember who.

11:30ish: 6th stop. Mexico. There is a snack, but I don't remember what it was. I briefly looked at it then drank another beer. Sasha falls down in a hallway. Ken Doll helps her up. Twice. Twin Set and I begin to wrestle again. I'm not sure why. I realize half of the group has not left Serbia. The cops come. Everyone is too drunk to care and try to vote who has to talk to them. I inform Smash the cops are there, he says "come here", we walk into his bathroom, he stares at me and then goes to the door to speak with them. Not sure what the delay was about. I climb up my friends tall sister like I'm a koala and she's a tree. She loves it. I inform everyone that the only think I'll be arrested for is "being awesome". I decide I'm too drunk to live and scream for us all to take the shot. That's when I'm informed there is none, it's an "upside down margarita" that needs poured in your mouth. No thanks. Several of us walk to Bar Louie. Someone carries me again. Not sure who.

12:00ish: Bar Louie. Last stop. I am looking through one eye. I'm too drunk to see, but order a beer anyway. Twin Set declares she's going home. Things are quickly falling apart. I start to beg Becks for his house key. He finally relents and I zip it gingerly into the front pocket of my fanny pack. I explain to the waiter "I ordered this beer, but I don't want it now. I haven't touched it so just put it back." He looks to Becks and Becks agrees to just pay for it. I stumble out past the second wave of our people coming in before "hook up hour" can commence. I want bed and I want it meow.

12:15?: I scurry my way to Becks'. I am shouting for Twin Set in the parking lot, but they are long gone. I must look like a fucking crazy person. I make my way up what I hope is the right stairwell. I stop at the door wondering where I put the key. I look in my fanny pack. Excellent! I get inside and proceed to trip over a pair of shoes and eat shit. I take my Uggs off and realize all my stuff is at Twin Set's. Great. I'm too drunk to walk, let alone walk down there. I wrangle up some shorts and a t out of some random drawers at Becks'. I neglect to take a single drink of water. Super smart. I crawl into bed leaving enough room for Sasha. The sheets feel like kittens. I don't remember anything after this.

7:30amish: I am rolling from side to side in a world of pain. My head is pounding, I'm on the verge of barf, I have no idea where I am. I wake Becks up and tell him I'm so not ok. He says "well, just sleep for like 3 more hours, you'll be fine." I can't live. I try to sleep, it doesn't work. He hands me water and some pills. I take them and go back to sleep for EXACTLY 3 more hours.

10:30am: I wake up thinking my phone is making noise. It's next to my head, plugged in. I have no idea how it got there. It just has a black screen. Shit. I feel slightly better, but fear sitting up. I ask for food. Becks says "I have some almonds". I'm shattered and wish Becks didn't care about his health and had some Lucky Charms or Doritos. I ask where Sasha and Travis are. He says he thinks Sasha is at Twin Set's and Travis ".... um, he drove home". I'm hungover, furious, starving to death and then my Mom calls. So far, worst morning ever. I tell her I'm in too much pain to deal. Twin Set had texted me an hour before stating she was awake. I call, but she and Squint are too destroyed to help me. I text Travis and beg him to bring me a pop. By noon all I have had is 5 almonds, a bite of protein bar, a cup of coffee and a few drinks of Diet Coke. I'm beyond starving.

Noon: I decide that to survive, I need a Sarnie Sandwich or Chipotle. I go to Twin Sets and gather my belongings throwing on some sweats and a hoodie. I am too drunk still to decide which to eat. I drive past the Sarnie Shoppe and decide I want that so I go back around the block. I sit in my car and reason I have had a lot of burritos lately and this will be good. I order my sammy and ignore all the "you look like hell" looks. I go home and eat the shit out of that thing.

2:30pm: I have a half hour before the Bears game starts. I am still hungry. I actually get off my fat ass and go to Chipotle and get a burrito bowl. You read that right. I had BOTH. I almost fall down in the Chipotle parking lot. Look around, nobody saw. I go back to my home on hangover island and gobble down half that bowl and pretty much a whole 2 liter of Diet Coke. I don't get off that end of the recliner couch for anything but more food or to pee for the rest of the evening.

I have many mysterious bruises, my neck is sore and my middle finger on my right hand feels sprained. I assume someone tried to break it off when I used it in rage.

I still.... have not had one drink of water since Saturday morning. Pretty sure my insides are currently turning to dust. Around the World and straight to the grave.