Gone, Baby, Gone

It started with my dad.

When my dad decided to get remarried, it almost felt like losing him. The three new kids he had to take on were so young, 5 year old twin boys and an 8 year old girl. And they were wild as hell, they had been through so much already. I didn't like it. I didn't like one thing about it. I wanted to flip out and beg him to pick someone else to marry. But I knew deep down he didn't want to. And even after he was married and I wanted more of his attention, I realized they needed him more than I needed him. Sure, I was very sick, but they had no father at all, no guidance, no control, no structure. I knew sharing him was the right thing.

When it was time for Adam and I to break up, I felt like I could have kept him. I was making terrible decisions and we had outgrown each other, but I knew he loved me very much and I could have really pulled out the stops to manipulate him to stay with me. But I loved him too much to do that. I knew I had to give him up and let him go from our romantic relationship. Even now, it's an internal battle sometimes to not have his complete attention, but I know it's ok and that's natural.

When I dated Andy, it was just such a dream. Until his mother came in the picture. She was a grieving widow and that made her very emotionally desperate and selfish. Sadly, she let me know right away that she expected to be his first priority, and after not too long, his only priority. She took every opportunity possible to express to me how unwanted in her picture I was. And as a 23 year old girl totally in love with her 30 year old boyfriend, this was so miserable. He was so in love with me too, but he was caught in the middle of wanting to be with me and needing to take care of his mother. After a few years, I realized there was absolutely no way to stay in the relationship and I packed up and left because you can't ask someone to put you above their mother. If they wanted to, they would. He begged me to come back as it happened and promised it would change, but I didn't want him to have to fight with her for things to change. We still speak and catch up every now and then, and to this day, he still regrets the situation. And actually, so does she. Even now, years and years later, when he explained to her he was never as happy as when we were together, she attempted to contact me and apologize and right the situation. It was touching, and I appreciated it, but I could never be sure things would change and I couldn't live my life as a wedge. A 36 year old girl is a completely different person than her 23 year old self.

When I realized I had fallen in love with Alex, I thought that was really just the greatest. He was a lot younger than me, but I have never been concerned about age difference, and what a badass thing to fall in genuine love with your best friend's brother, that's the dream right there! When I knew it wasn't just infatuation, it was real stuff, I was so excited about what that meant and how cool that future would be. I would have never even allowed myself the opportunity to think that way if I had known how that would actually turn out in the end. When his sisters made it VERY clear that neither his nor my happiness mattered at all in the situation and they would always be disgusted and unhappy with it, I knew right then and there it would never be ok. Even with great efforts, deep down I knew he was just not tough enough to cope and I wasn't strong or selfish enough to pull us both through it. Even when they were faking tolerance for it, I knew them well enough to know what was happening behind that and it felt like willingly taking a little dose of poison every day. Aside for my grandmother dying, I can't remember a harder time in my life. It was the 2nd biggest heartbreak I had ever suffered and it drug on until I wasn't even the same person anymore. I thought taking a break and starting it over may work, but the wounds are so deep, I didn't know if they could heal. It still drags on. He still contacts me all the time. Even though we've both moved on a few times, and even when I say the meanest things I can think of, he doesn't relent. I don't know if he keeps it up because he still cares and he fears he'll end up Andy 2.0 or if he does it because he hates me deep down and wants to be a constant reminder of what I unknowingly gave up for him. I'm not even sure he knows why he does it. I just wish he'd stop. But I've asked him to a million times and he doesn't.

Because of all this, I'm just not a huge fan of conventional relationships. I'm certainly not against it, I'm just not one to invest totally anymore. Over time, it has become increasingly clear to me I'm much happier when I don't have expectations for relationships, if I just float through them, enjoying the good parts and putting zero pressure on the situation, there are no bad parts.  I don't know if its because I fear that anything I touch turns to shit, if its because I feel like I break people's hearts, or if it's because I despise the feeling of pain more than I enjoy the feeling of utterly committed love. And I'm totally happy. I feel content and calm and have a great time every day. I feel like people hate so hard on a Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin situation because they can't stand the thought of admitting how gravely unhappy or just ....dead-souled and complacently numb they are in their own relationships and they've come so far in the conventional picture that they're embarrassed to give it up. I totally don't blame them because I really thought the same way for a long time, but man, you have your heart shattered into a billion pieces, you tend to come out the other side seeing things quite differently.

The moral of the story is I don't know that conscious uncoupling is something I do, but it actually may be my constant state of being. And I'm totally ok with that shit. I've always had a bit of a gypsy soul, so it just works I suppose. It's a sunny place to live. I'm a giddy little girl.