1. I liked this guy once who was obsessed with the show LOST. Whenever he didn't ask and I wanted to hang out with him, I'd suggest we watch some LOST. Normally, we'd just end up making out. But he turned out to be a huge drunk who didn't have a checking account and kept his money in a pasta box in his cupboard like Hanna's mom on Pretty Little Liars. I also saw him kissing someone that was a rumored prostitute. I decided he probably wasn't a good idea after all.
2. Around 19 years old, I thought saltines with ketchup and mustard were a super good snack. And I wasn't even poor. No idea what was going on there.
3. When I first moved to LA, I called baklava "Jew cookies" in front of a Jew. Luckily, it was a nice Jew and she laughed before explaining to me I couldn't say things like that.
4. I was so obsessed with smelling Pine Sol that my friend once put some in a miniature bottle for me so I could take it anywhere. I'd go into a grocery store just to open it off a shelf and sniff it. I'd also pour some out of our bottle at home because "it smelled best when it wasn't brand new". People actually had to launch a Pine Sol intervention with me to get me to stop. I still miss it sometimes.
5. Every time I played with my baby dolls as a little girl, I pictured myself as a single mom and preferred it. High standards for my life, man.
6. I'm still unsure if the story of Green Eyes from 6th Grade Camp is true or a lie. I swear we really saw a wolf with glowing eyes in the woods directly before my friend Eileen fell in some ditch and twisted her ankle. Now, whenever we booze cruise past Camp Eberhart, I'm honestly still a little freaked out. I know people said it was kids with green paper over flashlights, but.... shit seemed real.
7. When I was 21, I was ridiculously obsessed with this soft ice from the Taco Bell on Westnedge in Kalamazoo that I'd go through the drive through every single day after class and order a large ice tea with extra ice and a large cup of just ice. I'd eat so much so fast that my mouth would go numb. I would also shower right when I got home so I'd have to pee in the shower almost every time because I couldn't wait.
8. I don't think I told my parents, but in my head, I was positive I lost the 3rd grade spelling bee because they didn't get me the puffy paint dress I wanted. In related news: I still tell people I won it. Some lies cannot be untold.
9. I got so fucking pissed that Jacob Robinson won the Young Authors competition at school because his mother did all of his illustrations and editing. That kid could barely spell. MY book was incredible. It was about a kid that was an orphan, but when he fell down some pothole, he was an underground king. I think it was called The Orphan King. And it was the motherfucking To Kill A Mockingbird of my 5th grade class. I told my mom to call the school and complain about Jacob. She told me to be happy with 3rd place. Fucking Jacob.
10. I was at my first boyfriend's house when I was about 17. It was time for me to go home, but he was out screwing around in his yard raking up leaves. My friend and I went out to find him and he jumped out of a tree right in front of us to scare us. Scare us, he did. I shit my pants. Like, a lot. I didn't say anything, went into his house, cleaned it up as best I could. I sat on a stack of magazines on the way home just in case anything was going to soak through on to his truck seat. I inched out backwards throwing a coat around my waste like no big ol deal and he never knew. Nobody did. I think I told the friend that was with me a few years ago. Or I just told her in this blog. Either way, I'm a pants-shitting ninja.
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