What Is Your Soup Du Jour?? That Sounds Good. I'll Have That.

THE SEVERAL REASONS I'M OLD. THIS IS ROCK SOLID PROOF, PEOPLE

1.  What the fuck is "the Cloud"? It seems made up. Isn't it just a website? Don't make it sound like it's a literal cloud! I'm learning, but reluctantly. I thought I was big shit for downloading music after every other 11 year old on the planet.

2.  I don't know the difference between The Wanted and One Direction. I can't name their songs, I don't know the members' names, and I don't think any of them are remotely attractive. Related note: NSYNC reuniting was the best thing I can remember happening to me in the last 5 years.

3.  I DO think Ben Affleck is the most handsome man on the planet. Because... you know, he seems like a good dad and a super cool husband and his career is shaping up nicely.

4.  I do not know the difference between: Victoria Justice, Miranda Cosgrove, Either brunette girl on Modern Family or Ariana Grande. The only reason I know Selena Gomez's identity is because of her ridiculous relationship with Bieber. Who seems awful.

5.  Staying up until 3am and driving home at 5am from Detroit is no big deal anymore because old people rarely sleep for fear of death happening from slowed breathing.

6.  I am finally ok with separate sides of the bed with no touching after falling asleep. It alllll makes sense now! Snuggles are for when you're awake and can easily regulate your body temperature.

7.  I love soup. I fucking love it.

8.  Candy seems like revolting chemicals smashed together in jewel shapes.

9.  I can not resist a great turtleneck sweater. Or a pair of loafers. I get really excited about a great pair of slacks and I go ape shit for tweed.

10. Loud unexplained noises infuriate me. I seriously turn red when there's a beeping anywhere.

11. I'm all about IFC movies. Every single one of them looks interesting.

12. The little mini jingle that comes on before an HBO show is very comforting to me.

13. I prefer blouses to t-shirts. That finally happened.

14. Any color eye shadow not found in nature is pretty much out of the question.

15. I take a small mirror and tweezers to stand in a window and eliminate facial hairs and I can remember my grandmother doing the EXACT same thing. I just do it with an iPhone on speaker. (I just figured out how to do that.)