Deja Vu Like A Mofo.

It's so insane what your head and your heart choose to remember or forget. I mean, not insane, but its pretty wild. The things you can talk yourself into or out of are endless. The capabilities of our emotions and our senses to help them along, its all so fascinating.

One day you can think you feel one way, and the next day, you've completely turned a corner. You find yourself heading under the same bridges and streetlights, the same streets with different leaves blowing down them one year later. It's almost like you don't remember the course of actions that got you back there. You're smelling the same perfume and the same soap smell mix together and even the textures of a floor on your feet or a counter top on your fingertips is a memory, but it's right under you in real time.

You slip into conversations and behaviors and there's an actual point where you think "Wait, did no time at all pass? Did I just imagine all of that other stuff?", but you know time passed and you know things were real in between then and now. You let yourself just sort of drift right back to that skin and that face. You find yourself slipped beneath that big, fluffy white comforter watching a movie, laughing and talking, arguing about people you know and hockey for hours on end.

A lot of "experts" would say this isn't healthy. They'd label it "dangerous territory". But where is the danger, really? In letting yourself feel feelings at the risk of being let down? Because, let me save you the trouble of that fear; people will let you down. Hard. A lot of the time, when you least expect it, that's when it happens. Just like that happiness that snuck up on you and exposed all the confusing old feelings. We don't save ourselves from pain. Unless you call being numb safe, but that's really just starving ourselves of the happiness too. Emotions will happen to us no matter what we fucking tell ourselves. People will let us down, we'll let people down and we'll let ourselves down. Its never going to stop happening.

I kept denying myself the opportunity to feel a connection again because I thought it was bad news. But this morning, when I was on my way home and it was still dark, this HUGE yellow moon still hung in the sky soooooo beautiful and I was so incredibly glad I didn't cheat myself out of that sight and a day of happiness. I don't know if it will repeat itself or not, I have no idea what's in my future, that's the nature of life and it's certainly the nature of my life in particular.

But isn't that what makes it great? The pain and the love swirling all together? Because you really can't have one without the other.