I need to do everything possible today to distract myself from a nervous breakdown. One of my favorite things to do on a Monday is blog about what drunken idiots my friends and I are. Instead of the usual telling of events, (because it's too long and sordid) I'm just going to post my favorite texts received and things said (that I had to record on my phone memo pad because I get too drunk to remember them AND now realize I should have added an explanation with each) because in a way.... it's even better. All times are, as always, just a guessing game.
Friday Night
8pm Becks to me: "Well, at least she fell because of ice. Not slut boots"
9pm Becks to all of us: "Girls just don't go for the dankest of reef smell. They go for treasures and riches."
9:15pm Travis to all of us: "I'm ditching my coat. I tend to get hot. I run hot."
Becks to all of us: "It's Patagonia. Don't be jealous of my 'Gonia."
11:00pm Sacha's friend to me: "Mouth pregnant? Uh, I say that all the time and it means something different than making out."
11:30pm Me to Sasha: "I need a rape whistle for all these Steelers jersey wearing dudes."
12:00am Me to Sasha: "He looks like a Disney prince! That... beats women."
2am Sasha to Travis: "You would get way better caliber of chicks if you didn't smoke. Because if she smokes, she pokes. But.. at least she pokes, you know?"
2:10am Me to Travis: "Remember where we left you? By the street meat? You should have stayed there!"
2:45 am Becks to Me: "Oh, do you need to feed your family?? Shut up, stripper!"
2:46am Travis to.... the cab driver?: "You don't pat me! Turn, cab driver! Take a right at the stop light. Stop sign!! Stop sign. No light. JUKE RIGHT!"
3:13am Travis to all of us: "Challenge is accepted!! That's why I accepted the challenge like 2 minutes ago!" (in reality, he had accepted said challenge like 30 minutes earlier, but who's counting. I'm no fact Nazi)
3:30am Becks to Sasha: "I don't like pepperoni the way you like to deep throat pepperoni. And to warm pizza is overachieving!.... I want all the Texas Toast and Jimmy Deans."
4:00am Sasha to me: "Please just take off your red shirt."
Me to Sasha: "Damn, anxious to get me naked much?"
That is the last thing I 'remember' of Friday. Saturday is even foggier and sketchier.
Adam H. Newman and I have a huge, hilarious text conversation beginning at 1:30am that stretches out to people at the other end of the country and back. I just typed it all out, then deleted it because it makes us both look like terrible, soulless, sharp-tongued skanks. Still super funny, but not printable. Maybe some day. Directly after said conversation, I slowly and carefully shove a girl by the face that was trying to cut in the bathroom line while still holding my phone in the other hand. Clearly, I was totally on point.
Only quote worth printing from Saturday:
4:15am BB to me: "Do you want some cookies? Peanut M&M's? Valentine's stuff? You should eat something. My Mom sent me all this. Try a cookie."
Me to BB: "No way. I'm actually disgusted. I can't. Well..... just one cookie."
Needless to say, it was another raging success of a grown up weekend for me. I'm obviously headed for a fairytale ending to life.
My favorite memo in my phone?? I have no idea when I put it in or who said it, but it reads:
"Our friendship was at like a T6 on the friendship tornado scale. For real."
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