"If you lose one more pair of bloomers, I'm going to shove a pair up your ass. For safe keeping."

Today would have been my Grandma's birthday. What birthday, I don't know because I always refused to believe she turned one day over 75. 75 years young. Here are some reasons she was my best friend and very favorite person in the whole world.

1. She taught me to set my clothes out to wear the night before. That way, you always look as cute as you want to even if you're in a hurry. While I was getting dressed, she would also ask me what cereal I wanted in the morning and have it poured exactly as I was ready to eat. This wasn't first grade... this was senior year.

2. She would take a Polaroid of you every time you cried so you could see what an asshole you looked like. Got you laughing every time.

3. She sent special little messages in my lunch bags sometimes. A note that just said "I love you" or something funny or a joke we had said the night before or a good luck wish for a test. I would give absolutely anything to find one of those now. I used to save them and carry them around. I would even pick up old grocery lists she wrote to carry around with me. Just so I could have her there at all times.

4. She sang and danced a little when she washed dishes.

5. She would let me pick up any household item I wanted to build a totally custom pad for my Kermits and company since I thought regular doll houses were lame. And she would let me leave my mini mansions around for weeks. Even when built in potted plants.

6. She and my Grandpa took me to see Best Little Whorehouse in Texas for my first movie because I loved Dolly Parton. It's not like I knew what a Whorehouse was, but I knew Burt Reynolds was a bad ass.

7. She took my picture on every single first day of school I ever had. Including every college semester.

8. I once completely forgot I had a demonstration speech due at school. I called her from the office in a panic to see what I should do and she showed up 45 minutes later with every single thing I would need to decorate ladybug cupcakes. This included the damn cupcakes and one already decorated for example. I completely forgot I had a speech (which was the entire point of speech class) and the woman made me look like Martha Stewart. And yes, I got an A.

9. Whenever I was deep in TV concentration or quietly reading, she would sneak into the room like a little white-headed ninja and scare the SHIT out of me. She thought this was the funniest thing in the entire world. She also thought it was hilarious to just randomly scream my name while doing something and when I ran into the room to say "What?!!" she would just calmly say "I love you" with a big smile. She would also put rubber spiders or this weird stuffed witch on my nieces toy box to freak her out. She was fun like that.

10. I kept losing (or they were stolen, you perverts) the bloomers that covered my underwear under my cheerleading skirt. She had to rush a pair to 7th grade for a basketball game once missing Guiding Light and was pissssed. Finally, Sophomore year, she had enough when I lost my last pair. She rushed to school to save me from a pep assembly wearing purple panties and had purchased TEN pairs. She always made me keep a pair in my locker from that day on.

11. She made me a confetti angel food cake for every birthday. My fave.

12. She told me once that she had asked my Grandpa for a divorce twice. He refused to grant her both times and she said "Later I realized that was the best thing he ever did. I really like him. Even when he's an asshole".

13. She got me started on CBS soaps so early that I literally thought The Young And The Restless was called "The Young And The Rest of Us". My Mom still calls it that to this day.

14. She let me help her wrap the baked potatoes at the VFW every Friday after school for the Steak Fry that night. This made an 8 year old feel more important than you can ever imagine.

15. Whenever she was feeling sassy, she would wind up her arm a few times like I was going to get a huge upper cut and then she would kick me in the shin.

I could go on forever and ever. I adored her and she worshiped me. She was the most loving and maternal person I had ever seen. Constantly sweet, trying to help, telling me to slow down, don't be out so late, eat a vegetable, making me laugh, trying to make me jitterbug, etc.

I always felt a little out of place in my family. I didn't act very much like my Mom or my sister or my Dad. I didn't really think I looked like them, they all had dark or blond hair, and I didn't know who to identify with. Once my Grandma passed away, I sat down with my Grandpa and her best friend (who happened to be my Grandpa's sister who introduced them) and he told me all sorts of stories about her. He talked about her gorgeous red hair. He talked about how she was completely wild when younger, always out dancing and drinking and smoking. Just a regular, redheaded partying fool. ...... Ah. Confirmation. I'm definitely part of this family. And no wonder she was my bestie.

Happy Birthday, Grandma. I miss you every day and when I get up there, I'm going to kick your ass at 31 so you better have a lot of pennies ready to lose.