10 Things

In honor of UsWeekly's "25 Things You Didn't Know About Me" or whatever the shit they print that I always read, I am going to start a "10 Things That May Or May Not Be Entirely True About Me, But Are Still Pretty Funny...I Hope".

1. If my hair is in a bun, I take it down before I go into my neighborhood Chipotle just in case some of the hot dudes that are fellow burrito eaters want a piece. Of my ass, NOT my burrito. Place is always full of cuties.

2. I once got the shit scared out of me. I literally shit my pants in a cornfield when my boyfriend at the time jumped out of a tree to scare me. It was not as sexy as it sounds. I had to sit on an InStyle magazine on the drive home.

3. A friend and I used to make 2 little boys I babysat every day wrestle in my living room until they were just bruised and bloody. We made each of them pick a song to blast to get pumped to. One's was Hangin' Tough by New Kids on the Block and the others' was Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue and they had to say "matte!" to give up like in Bloodsport. Babysitter of the century!!!!

4. I wanted to wear lavender short shorts and a t-shirt with a rainbow on it to lip sync and dance to Footloose for my first grade talent show. Had the routine all down and super nailed, then my Mom picked out a plaid, ruffly blouse and jeans that day. Then made me wear my glasses. Needless to say, performance looked like Britney. The Britney that uber fucked up Gimme More back in 2008 on MTV.

5. Studies show that 7 out of 10 men get a massive, raging, almost angry boner when I walk into a room.

6. My girlfriends and I used to drink sangria at a restaurant in Venice on Sundays while discussing sex. Loudly. Complete with lying down in or bending over the booth or table to demonstrate shit. Other patrons would either cheer us on or ask to be moved to different tables. Fuck em. Maybe literally if they looked at us just right.

7. I had a crazy huge crush on Billy Zabka as Johnny in Karate Kid. (you know, because I love sociopath assholes) He's a director/producer now in LA and I used to work with Billy sometimes. I would totally stare at him, sending him all the brain waves I could and make him flirt with me. I used to dream of him saying terrible things to me while raising his fist. So dreamy.

8. Sometimes I get confused about whether sperm whales are real or extinct and I have to consult wikipedia.

9. The first time I ever said "I love you" to a boy, it was in the middle of watching Jurassic Park. My boyfriend and I saw it for 7 Fridays in a row at the movie theater. The 8th time we watched it, we were at the drive-in, in the back of his truck on bean bags. That's when I gave my first hand job. Ahhh young love.

10. I would honestly rather make out with a corpse than a dude with a goatee. As long as the corpse was kinda hot.