Things I learned the weekend of my 34th Birthday.
1. Apparently, drinking Red Bull and vodka is "Lame! What are you, 21? If you're going to be a lush, at least drink something low cal!!". This is according to Duck's Mom and her sister, who we will call CML. That stands for Captain Morgan Lips. Which is what she gets when she drinks it. Yeah... spiced rum. Now that shit is classy.
2. Gay bars in Columbus do not make martinis the same way Bar Louie in Perrysburg does. They definitely put enough vodka in there for you to be able to enjoy anal. No matter which end of it you're on. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
3. Boys who wear glasses can have nice asses. Contrary to previous beliefs.
4. The thicker the bacon, the better.
5. When you wear a dress the night before, you won't wake up with pants. Don't panic. Everything will be ok. There's a Panera turkey sandwich in your future.
6. A complete walk of shame kit costs $34 and you can order it online
7. If you go to a bar with Sasha's friends, they will buy more drinks than your body can handle. Please... please do not try to consume them all "to be nice".
8. If there's 90's hip hop playing, by God, I'm gonna grind.
9. Cabs in the Short North are fucking assholes. They have their lights on when they're full of people. Yelling at them doesn't help. If you stand in the middle of the street flipping them off, you will either get flipped off back... or picked up. By one with it's light OFF. It's infuriating the next day. When someone reminds you of it happening.
10. Buy new lip gloss. You're gonna need a lot of it.
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ReplyDeleteLet's be clear...never has the advice "lo cal" come out of my mouth. I eat oreos for breakfast. What I said was, drink like an adult (straight, good alcohol and not some candy drink) and you won't feel like gouging your eyes out the next day.
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