You Probably Spent Five Bucks On That. You Could Have Just Bought A Pack of Smokes.

Even though it's completely ass cold outside (Not sure what ass cold really is as my car thermometer is so pissed at winter that it refuses to even attempt to tell me the temperature unless it's above 25 degrees anymore), I just stopped in my tracks for about 4 good seconds to stare at something. A sticker on the back of a minivan at my work depicting Calvin of the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes pissing on.... the word Terrorists. I can't decide who or what to attack first over this.

First, I am half tempted to start walking around the building to find the owner of said minivan. Having such a vehicle gives off the idea that you have one or more children that require carting around. Do you think that's a healthy image for them to constantly see when they are inevitably turned around, without seat belts, making obscene gestures at cars driving behind you? Because I assume those are the kind if animals you're raising. And which terrorists? Anarchists? Nationalists? Communists? Emotional? Musical? Nickelback? If you're going to get a pissing Calvin decal, can't it be more specific? They sell THOUSANDS of different ones. You can even make your own online. Not that I like terrorists, in fact I prefer they just be imprisoned or killed. Pissing on them just wastes time violating their human rights. Why not just get an American Flag sticker instead? Or at the very least, a sticker that reads "I Hate Terrorists". Or, (since feedback on my I Hate video blog has been mostly people concerned with me saying that word and also fearing I'm going down a path of anger) maybe one that reads "Terrorists Seriously Bum Me Out". That's a sticker I could totally appreciate. Terrorism is always a bummer. I may even give you a high five in the hall seeing that one. If your hands are clean. Also, if you don't have kids to put in that minivan, feel free to drive it right onto the scale to scrap because it's hideous and makes you look like a pedophile.

Secondly, the guy that came up with this whole sticker in the first place. I really don't feel like this is what Bill Watterson intended Calvin to ever be doing when he drew him. And if this sticker maker was smart enough to patent this ridiculous idea somehow, how filthy RICH is this person? What an asshole. I turned to Google for the answer, but I'm a page one limit kind of girl when researching shit this dumb/infuriating. Plus if I know his name, and I'm SURE it's a man, I may start sending threatening male to their giant residence out of jealousy. If I were the inventor of such a fucking ridiculous sticker, you bet your sweet ASS I would be on page one of Google letting everyone know this is where my fortune originated. Plus, I would have pissing Calvin stickers on all of my Range Rovers depicting him urinating on stuff like "Regular Jobs", "Hard, Honest Work", "Being Poor". The real inventor is probably too busy tinkering with this fleet of Sea Doos (because that's what I imagine someone this jerkish would buy with his money) in Key West to care whether anyone knows his identity or not. Asshole.

Lastly, I would put a gallery of some of the truly maddening Calvin pissing stickers I have viewed on Google images here, but that's just buying more meth foils for it's evil genius inventor so I will leave you with a hilarious article from The Onion regarding the subject and a fabulous cartoon from Toothpaste for Dinner which properly expresses my feelings on the matter. If I had just smoked a fat joint. http://www.theonion.com/articles/peeing-calvin-decals-now-recognized-as-vital-chann,386/