In honor of my discovery that my friend Becks has Tucker Max's new book Assholes Finish First, I'm going to do another drunken weekend rundown.
Friday
6:30pm - I had decided it was the week from Hell, I needed to look cute and go have cocktails with my friend (we'll call her Berry for this entry) and the boys at Becks' before they go to CollegeTownUSA to watch some random band they love. I'm not going, I want to take it easy to be ready for Terrific Ladies Night tomorrow.
7:45pm - I am drunk, now going with them and telling Berry she's a shitty friend if she doesn't go with me using lines like "Even Squint is going! He never goes anywhere! Plus, those 2 dudes that just showed up with the sketchy Volcom hoodies and crooked hats freak me out. Don't make me be the only girl!!". This works. She goes. She talks me into eating a piece of pizza first. It is delicious.
9:30pm ish? - We are at a bar I always call "Wood Floor Bar with the bags game". The Cocktail has met up with us and brought some girl that is far too tan for Winter who doesn't like Travis' beard. Tells him that men with beards are lonely. Squint can't stop talking about how trashy the bartender is and that her dress is ridiculous. A guy walks in that seems to know Flick, I say he's the first cute guy I've seen all night. He turns his head and reveals 3 lines shaved in the side of it and a "diamond" earring. Wooops. Squint laughs and points in my horrified face.
10:00pm (let's just put an ish after all times from here on out.) - We are in a brick bar that serves tall boys. There is a band playing in the back room. I tell Flick "Oh, they are pretty good!" and he informs me this isn't the band we're here to watch. Berry sits down on a picnic table to stop partying for the night. I begin to survey the room for someone she can play with to cheer her up.
11:30pm? - Berry is crying? I can't tell as I am drunk enough to have to look through one eye only. I see a nerd dancing and singing to the band. I declare that I should go kiss him. Flick says "I went to high school with him. You would probably be like.. the 4th girl that has EVER kissed him. Do it. You're like a make out fairy". There is a song playing about putting your middle finger in the air. The entire crowd is doing it so I do too. A guy and a girl are making out next to me. I purposely bump into them and laugh. Go to a bathroom stall, you two.
Lights out.
1:30am? - I am in a diner waiting for a cab. Only Squint and Berry are there. I don't know where the other boys are. I become violently hungry and declare that I will punch anyone who steps to me in the face for a cheeseburger. Squint and I order a grilled cheese and he starts videotaping the waitress. She gets pissed and asks him to stop. We laugh at her. There is a kid behind me sitting down with at least 8 pieces of toast. I now start loudly saying "how can someone just sit there with that much toast, see a small girl that's SO hungry, and not offer her any?" Squint walks outside to tell me the name of the diner we are in, walks back in and all he says is "I can't read". Not that he couldn't see the sign, he couldn't read it. We discuss stealing a loaf of bread near by, but I decide it's too well lit in there for that kind of crime. Our grilled cheese arrives the same time as the cab. I make my half disappear while standing on the sidewalk waiting to get in.
Lights out.
Come to: There are 5 of us in the back of this cab. There is some sort of epic negotiation happening using ketchup packets for waffle cut fries. I know there is grabbing and a bit of yelling. I don't recall if I scored any fries. Berry calls us Pilgrims and Indians. Did they negotiate? I feel like the Pilgrims won.
Lights out. I woke up safely in my own bed at 9:30am. I am starving and want to watch The League finale. I do that.
Saturday
I starve to death all morning until Travis gets it together enough to take me to food. He decides to pick up Flick even through my "LEAVE HIM!!" protest. I attempt to eat my burrito bowl in peace watching Scarface, but nooooo. Assholes (Berry and my other friend Twin Set) torture me until I go shopping with them. I go and bitch the entire time in hopes to get dropped off early. This works. They keep shopping. I try to take another nap, but they call or text the entire time. Hate fills my soul.
6:30ish pm - I decide it's time to party the hate away. There is a storm coming, so those assholes decide "maybe we just have a calm Terrific Ladies Night at my house instead." The hate returns. I'm ready to booze and dance. I am sidetracked by a second offer of the day for Chipotle and calm down enough to go with them when they come get me.
7:30 pm - We are in line for food, going to just go to Twin Set's and drink and eat and do make up (for real). I forgot I had arranged to party with my friend Ken Doll. He calls, Twin Set grabs the phone and invites him to TLN. He says he's picking up wine and he'll be there. We take bets on when or if he ever arrives. When we get back to the apartment, I decide to have a shower (and shower beer) in preparation for the evening. While getting my make up done, Ken shows up with wine and a book "in case I get sick of listening to you girls". Impressive.
9:00ish pm - Ken informs us that he has taken some class called "Rest and Relaxation" in college. More commonly known as "How to lie so you can touch girls shoulders and necks once they have had lots of wine". I hope he got an imaginary 4.0. Once my neck is sufficiently "rested and relaxed", Twin Set says she's tired, Berry wants to go home, Sasha and Ken and I decide we're heading to the bar for pool and dancing even though we're wearing sweats and hoodies. Our make up looks great.
11:00ish pm? - I'm housed. We are having a great time playing pool and observing some drunken fool who has been married a month stumble around. Flick and Travis show up still in their ugly sweaters from a party.
Lights out.
1:00am? - I decide it's time to go. I don't know if Sasha has left yet or not, but I flip out on Ken Doll when he says he's going to drive. We leave to walk back to Twin Set's. He pulls an orange plastic construction marker stick out of the ground on the way to fence with me. I run to pull my own out to defend myself. He tries to bring his in to Twin Set's apartment. I grab it and throw it down outside. I search her house for blankets and come up with bath robes. She wakes up when I loom over her bed. She hands me several blankets and apparently shorts though I don't remember asking for them or putting them on. I reach up to put my hair in a ponytail.
Too much wine. Lights totally out.
I think I fell asleep on the big couch, but wake up on the small couch. Twin Set is standing over me telling me to wake up and look at the snow. I hate her. Ken Doll looks like he hates her. Just to get her to stop talking, I agree to run errands with her. I realize about half way through these errands that I am still drunk and have the shakes. By the time I return home, there is nothing to do but shower and lie down. I do both and that's all she wrote.
Best part of the weekend? Becks' fb status update on Saturday morning that read "I refuse to listen to a girl who draws her conclusions from watching Home Alone." - Travis. I am told this refers to the girl on Friday night who said lonely guys grow beards. I laugh and I laugh. Go tan some more, skank. Beards rule.
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