Ain't No Party Like A Movie Theater Lobby Twitter Waiting Partay!!!!!

So, last night I'm waiting for The Fresh Prince of Grosse Pointe to show up to a movie after our separate work out classes. The movie we agreed on started at 8:25pm so naturally I bought tickets for the 9:05pm show as he really has little to no knowledge on how clocks work and he cares even less than he knows. Now that I'm very well-versed in his total and utter disregard for punctuality, and benefit from it when I don't feel like getting out of bed for brunch on Sundays, it is almost admirable. I have to assume the watch he wears every day is basically a prop. I'm not even sure it has a battery in it; I don't recall ever hearing it ticking and he often wears it in the shower. Anyway...

I'm chilling in the theater waiting for him and I happened scroll through Twitter. I ended up being the crazy girl, sitting on a bench, crying her eyeliner off while laughing. I'm not sure what it is about Monday nights that makes people funnier than normal, but it was a good time. When he finally arrived (at 8:40pm because he also has NO idea that it takes longer than 15 minutes from Birmingham to Novi, but I digress, the dude will never learn and I pick my battles wisely) I asked him if he'd like me to read him some of the highlights, but as he has zero patience for snarky social media when he's hungry, he just kissed my cheek and wandered off to buy pretzels and inquire about the probability of getting a frozen coke cocktail. Priorities.

I thought I would share some of the sick shit I decided was comical and/or noteworthy:

Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz (an actor and writer for The Mindy Project)
I can only assume that Papa John has photos and or video of Peyton Manning eating out an old cat or something

Christine Teigen @chrissyteigen (model, wife of John Legend, Twitter champion) I don't care what you have to say about miley that bikini line is ingrown fucking free and I respect it

Girls @girlsHBO (the show) "Why don't you place just one crumb of basic human compassion on this fat-free muffin of sociopathic attachment? See how it tastes"

Ike Barinholtz @ikebarinholtz (again, because he's fucking hilarious) I think we can all agree that "Phillybuster" would be a great name for a cheese steak restaurant in Washington DC

Jenni Konner @campsucks My blood type is smoothie

Bosh The Type @BoshTheTypee (a parody account of Drake The Type profiling black men. It's great) Bosh the type of nigga to call Wade and say "I just wanted to hear your voice"

Christine Teigen @chrissyteigen (I said she was a champion) I've been in hundreds of airport bathrooms, but congrats to Newark, NJ, who takes the title of "only restroom that needs a fucking eye wash" (I would have to agree with this and add in certain terminals of LaGuardia)

Dane Cook @DaneCook (comedian, duh) If you meet a guy and he doesn't stare at your tits...something is really, really wrong with your tits.

These are just a few, and maybe I'm the only person that finds them funny, but I'm awesome so you should really laugh at whatever I laugh at. A little tip from me to you.