It Never Is

Sometimes I think I see her.

I'll see a long blond ponytail swinging ahead of me walking in a crowd and I'll speed up a little...

I'll be waiting for my drink at Starbucks, staring around the place as usual, and I'll hear her name called and look to see if it's her picking up a vanilla latte. It never is.

A lot, in Pure Barre, I'll hear an instructor call out a compliment to her name and I'll break concentration to turn and see if, for some insane reason, it's her in my class. No idea why she would ever be there, so far away, but if she were, she'd most definitely be getting shout outs.

Every now and then I'll be out at dinner and I'll hear someone speaking loudly, quickly and then laugh and I'll turn just to make sure. That person will make eye contact with me and we'll both smile, but its never her.

Definitely in airports. I keep thinking as I wait for flights, I'm going to be sweeping my eyes across the others in terminals waiting to board and lock eyes with her. But that doesn't ever happen.

When I'm picking out nail colors. Or putting on too much eyeliner. When someone speaks like her or rolls their eyes in the same way. When I need shoe advice. Or when I tell myself to take off one sparkly thing before leaving the house. When I put on perfume I know she would hate. When I want to talk about TV shows. When I shop for jeans. When I hold a baby. When I know I need tough love.

Sometimes its a happy, warm feeling. Sometimes its a desperate, sad, longing feeling. Sometimes it just feels like a void. It's no longer an angry feeling. Toward her, anyway. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she really had died instead of just feeling like she did. I realize that's awful, but what the head knows and the heart feels doesn't always match up logically.

Le Sigh.