If You Think The Undead Are A Joke... I Hope Your Brains Are The First To Be Devoured

I was just informed of something that has shaken me to my very core.... Humans Vs. Zombies. "A game of moderated tag commonly played on college campuses" Are you SHITTING ME? Zombies are considered a game now? Is this a joke to you people? The undead are NOT something to regard lightly. See the game here http://humansvszombies.org/.

Only someone as careless as a college freshman WOULD think it's funny to be knocked to the ground and have their brains gnawed on by a professor they once respected who is now nothing but a gaunt, flesh-eating monster with torn clothing. (preferably off at the knees because zombies need pirate pants?) I, on the other hand, a grown woman with a little more than half of a complete college education, yet a boat load of real word experience, think zombies are scary as fuuuuuck.

Zombies were scary enough back in the days of Night of the Living Dead and Thriller, but with the times have come advances in their abilities. How this zombie evolution happened? Not a clue. I'm just saying, the ones from 28 Days Later are not lurching, mindless creatures. They now have the wheels of a college running back and the tenacity of Charlie Sheen looking for hookers. The ones from I Am Legend? Give me a fucking break! They rememberrrr (voice of dude from Jurassic Park speaking of the Raptors - another blog, another time). They were not only smart, they had a leader with a grudge. They could train zombie dogs! They set a damn trap! Hell, they probably had a Union and held meetings in the abandoned subway!

Can you even imagine it? I think I would rather have a mildly successful Russian take over a la Red Dawn than brain-craving undead dudes running the streets. How do you know how to stop them? If you "kill" them, how do you know they don't reassemble themselves? That's a trial and error situation I want NO part of. My fear (that some would say is wildly irrational and just plain stupid) that zombies are real and could invade at any given moment, was only made worse by this article http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-reveals-pittsburgh-unprepared-for-fullscale,1815/. Is this hilarious? Without a doubt, but it's also informative and most of all.... a wake up call.

After this article was released, there was a facebook thread started in response. The article was copied, and below it you were asked to choose your 1. Partner in Crime 2. Weapon of choice and 3. Song of destruction should a full scale zombie outbreak ever occur. My brilliant and probably life saving answers:

1. A male F-16 Viper pilot with a 2 seater at his disposal. Not only do you have a combat trained companion, you have an airborne vehicle with weapons! You also have a way to repopulate the Earth if this shit gets to stage 4 (see help link at bottom of blog). In any case, with the military is going to be your best location because lets face it - they are always the last to die in these movies. Plus, pilots are good at one thing that I know of... kickin' the tires and lightin' the fires. Blowing shit UP.

2. Easy. Self-recharging laser gun. If you think any other weapon would be better, you're just fooling yourself. Ammo doesn't last forever. Lasers are forever. And just awesome even when not slicin' and dicin' the living dead.

3. This is a VERY hard choice. I would normally pick something like "Not In My House" by Rooney, but this isn't an indoor soccer game. This is all out survival. The fact that I would probably just shrivel into a puddle if I ever saw a zombie makes me feel like I need to go outside my rock comfort zone here and pick something that would pump me up for just this occasion. The obvious choice is "Bodies" by Drowning Pool. It would help me channel my inner Milla Jovovich and I think the repetitive lyrics would really keep me on task.

Now, I have to just consider as soon as the outbreak happens that my loved ones are now just drooling, brain hungry corpses. I really feel like this is an every still-able-minded-person for themselves event. My worry is that my 2 pilot choices will either be occupied on orders or try to save THEIR loved ones. It's bullshit, because I have made both of them promise to get me first, but lets face it... one lives in Minneapolis and has a fiance with a big head that is topped with a mop of shiny blond curls that pretty much scream "Great brain under here! Look!!!" so he's got his hands full. The other is stationed in Italy. My only hope is that the infestation hasn't reached there yet so he has nothing better to do. Plus, if I tell him all the Chipotle in the world is now at risk, I'm sure he would take immediate action. Especially if I had the last edible burrito in my Jansport.

Look, people... Zombies are a terrifying possibility. I suggest you devise a plan NOW as we are 2 days from Halloween. This website should really be informative and preparedness is our best hope: http://www.zombiesurvivalwiki.com/.

The only thing I can imagine worse than being the dumb fuck that's one of the first to go is being the LAST to go... *shudders*. Good thing I found that discount laser gun on ebay.