The Longest Blog... for the Longest 24 Hours. Ever.

I went to Columbus Ohio for the first time this weekend. My friend Sasha (code name) moved there recently. Travis and Flick and I decided to road trip it to visit. This is AFTER Travis broke his collarbone during a friendly touch football game Saturday morning. That right there should have given me an indication about how the rest of the weekend would turn out.

Here is a rough timeline. And I stress rough.

10:45 am: Flick tries to tell me through the bathroom door that Travis has a snapped collarbone, he's taking him to the ER, we are still going to Columbus. I think they are joking. They are not.

Noon: I walk in to American Eagle, hand a manager my application, she says she has seen me shop there a hundred times, I am hired. I think I am awesome, call Duck's Mom to tell her, proceed to bounce back to my house to bask in my glory.

2:30-3pm: We are on our way to Columbus. GPS thinks a funny joke would be to take us on a random back road for about 5 miles. Travis is on pain meds, in a Wendy's coma, snoring. Flick has the music too loud.

4:00pm: We are in Columbus, I am saying I'm full, I am eating mass amounts of carmel corn and drinking an Oktoberfest. Sasha's hair looks great.

7:30pm: We have changed houses, I take a phone call, Flick smokes a cigarette, Travis sits on a bench in the yard staring. I make a very stiff red bull and vodka and we begin to take pictures. Sasha appears to be grabbing her crotch in all of them.

8:30pm: Everyone but me is hungry. We stop at 5 guys. I eat 4 peanuts and talk about how I'm not nearly drunk enough. I also say that I predict I will be passed out sleeping by 11pm. They assure me they won't let that happen. I secretly devise a plan to sleep in the car while they party. There is a really red-faced guy sitting next to us.

9:00pm: We are at a bar with Tuna in the name. We are drinking out of a plastic fish bowl with a toy shark in it. My Red Bull kicks in, I drink so fast I get brain freeze and loudly declare "I'M BACK!" for no reason at all. Travis keeps the toy shark from our strawberry death mix and puts it in his sling, we head to the next bar. The escalator we ride jars to a stop mid-trip. This has never happened to me before and I think it was another sign I chose to ignore regarding the night. Moving on.

9:03pm: I come about 2 feet from just walking directly out in front of a car. Due to Travis' busted wing, he is not fast enough to stop me when reaching. Thankfully, he yelled and I could still hear and process at this point. Close one. A dueling mash up of Alicia Keys "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart" and Metallica "Sad But True" starts to play on loop in my head. This propels me forward in partying.

9:30pm: We are at a bar called Brothers, around a fire pit. Sasha and I have accidentally switched beers. Tucker Mis has just arrived. And she's ready to fuck shit up. I am texting 2 of our friends trying to get everyone to the same location. We meet someone named Jeff and his friends. I don't talk to them much. I'm drunk.


10:30pm: We walk down to another bar to try to find my friend The Dr. We see him on the way, I shriek and almost tackle him down some stairs in front of his friends. We go into a bar, I dance for a minute to a band playing Maroon 5. The Dr. Ices me. It doesn't go down easily.


11:00pm: We are in a piano bar. It is packed. I start chatting with a gay guy who's black. I call him racist for some reason. I am handed a shot, I take it, look over at The Dr. and scream "Oh no! I know what that was!" It was Liquid Cocaine. I am laughed at. I ask for water, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" comes on. I lose my mind dancing and whipping my head around. I think there is a video camera on. I tell Travis he is my best friend ever. I drink zero water.


Lights out. Everything after this should just be typed with a question mark.


12:00am: We are in another bar. It is a very very very dark dance club. The only thing I remember about it is dancing. Forever. I don't see any of my friends. Finally, Sasha and Flick come into view. I decide I'm safe and keep dancing. The Dr. disappears for the rest of the night. I finally look at my phone and there are a billion missed calls and texts from our other friend OTB. I can't read. I mentally CAN NOT figure out how to read them. I go to the patio. I call his phone. I ask where he is even though I have no idea where I am. I walk out the door directly into him on the street.

Lights out.

12:30-1:30am: I have no idea how or why, but we are back at Brothers. I am handed another shot. I do it. I get a beer. The lights turn on and I scream "Noooooo!!!" (so much for that 11pm pass out time) "I Want It That Way" comes on. I decide I am a Backstreet Boy. Travis films this. From multiple angles. There is another dude added to our group. I don't know him and never introduce myself.

2:00am: We are being herded out of the bar. There are cops galore. There is a conversation that I don't remember. I am separated from the group and leave with OTB because I think I wanted to "party more!". I ask 500 times if I'm going to get raped in an alley because we are walking in one. I remember seeing lots of pumpkins....

Lights out. For good.

9:00amish: I wake up. I am staring at a sword hanging on a wall. I am in a cool condo. I don't know where or why. I look around and see OTB. I realize I am safe. I look down, I am not naked. He asks if I want coffee. I ask for SportsCenter instead. I am definitely still drunk. I text to make sure the group knows I'm alive. They do and tell me to go back to sleep. I watch TV and chat it up with OTB.

10:30-11am: OTB has to go pick up someone that was towed the night before. We walk down the street to a nice coffee shop/brunch place. I am clearly looking 'last nightish'. We say our good byes and I tell Sasha and the boys where to find me. I get a coffee and sit on a bench in the sun to wait for them. I call Adam and inform him of the events I remember so far. He is amused.

11:30am: We decide to eat there. I am confused and disoriented so I order the breakfast buffet AND french toast AND a veggie omelet. I hold a plate while Travis piles is food on to it. Flick informs me they have lost my camera. I give Travis a Percocet for his shoulder and decide .... "hey, I'll have one too". My hangover leaps forward with the locomotive of a prescription pill behind it. I am no longer able to eat. I begin to lose motor skills. I brace for the worst.

Noon: We are walking down the street. I decide I'm going to faint so I sit down on a little brick wall behind people taking wedding pictures. Ultimate photo bomb. Sasha tells me I can make it to the car. She holds my arm to lead me there. We start driving. I inform Flick that I'm going to barf. He refuses to pull over saying "You BETTER not puke in my car" I grab a plastic bag on the seat. I realize it is filled with cash, Travis' wallet and his video camera. I dump them out and assume the posish. Travis calmly says "you'll be fine, just take some deep breaths". I do this. I make it back to Sasha's. I refuse to leave the car because I'm scared to move. She brings me a pillow and extra plastic bags for the ride home.

1:00pm: We are on our way. I alternate between lying back and leaning forward depending on how close to barfing I am. The boys smoke cigs and make fun of me. We listen to old school hip hop. I have a backwards jacket on and I'm covered up with another. I see the video camera and watch one of the recordings. It is me getting Iced another time in a very dark bar with only the flashes of cameras lighting my face. I have absolutely no memory of this.

2:30-3:30pm: We arrive home. Flick carries my bag in as I am incapable of most things at this point. I change into sweats and a hoodie and gather anything I may need to reach to move to couch island. Travis uses his one arm to dismantle his basement recliner and carry it upstairs to sleep in. I offer to help, he declines, I ask him for a glass of ice water. Braveheart comes on. We settle in for that.

It really is true... Every man dies, but not every man really lives.