Originally, I Blamed The Butterfly.

From before I can remember until I was about 10 years old my Grandparents took us to a campground off and on in the Summer. There was a pool at the clubhouse and when I was around 6 or 7, they also decided I should finally learn to swim. I wasn't a huge fan of the water because I fell off a raft while playing when I was 5 and found almost drowning very unpleasant. So, water and I had a sort of "nice to look at, but fuck that" relationship. Also, "almost drowning" means being under the water for about 3 seconds until my Mom fished me out, but when you're 5, it's a big ass deal.

Frustrated with my apprehension, they let me pick out some floaties. Baby blue on the inside and looked exactly like an Oreo bag on the outside. I was an advertisement. Moving on. I felt pretty good in them, I started on the stairs wading. I then ventured out to the shallow end and tested them in every way I could for dependability and sinkability. In the safety of that 3 feet of water, which damn near went over my head, I began the process of learning to swim. It was delicate, but I knew it had to be done.

One Saturday, my parents were coming to visit us. My Grandma was getting lunch ready so my Grandpa and sister and I went to the pool. Grandpa was chilling in his fave lawn chair smoking or sleeping and I'm sure Jennifer was cold kickin it live with one of the campground boys on the patio while I was practicing my swimming in my shallow training center. I can be easily distracted. I remember getting out of the pool because I saw a flower I wanted to examine more closely. There was a butterfly on it and I was staring it down, willing it to fly into my hand when I heard my Dad calling my name.

I looked up and saw my parents walking down the road to the clubhouse toward me. They were about 30 yards or so away. Fueled by giddiness over seeing them after their work week, or the butterfly, or the sunshine, I have no idea what.... I decided to show them what I had learned in a week in a BIG way. I smiled my biggest, waved at them through the chain link fence surrounding the pool, yelled "watch!" and took off running. I jumped as high as I could off the side of the pool directly toward the middle of the deep end, turning back to face them with my arms straight in the air.

As soon as I hit the water, I realized what was about to happen, but it was too late to pull my arms in and I felt the floaties slide right off. I panicked, but felt my feet touched the bottom so I pushed off and just clawed my little hands up toward the surface knowing my parents were watching and thinking if I just got my mouth out the top of the water, all I had to do was get one single word out as loud as I could, Mom, and she would get me.

To my surprise, as my eyes broke the surface and I was swallowing the pool water I had taken in getting a breath to scream her name, I saw my Mom in action. She was at the end of an Olympic sprint and leap, her hands and right foot were already on the top of the fence, and her eyes were locked on mine. She launched herself over the 5 foot of patio concrete between us and landed in the pool right next to me. She had to make that run in about 2 seconds. My head never even had time to bob back under the water. She beat my sister and Grandpa who were 15 feet away.

Trying not to make me lose my shit, she started laughing while swimming me to the ladder. I, of course, was in hysterics. My Dad helped us out and my Mom started drying me off telling me I was ok and she thought I looked awesome rocketing into the water. As I'm finally calming down and my Dad is done yelling at Jennifer for not jumping in sooner, my Mom turns me toward her in the chair and says "you know.... you're going to have to get back in there". I give her a look that is a mixture of sheer terror and "you've got to be shitting me", but she just stares back.

Me: "No way. I'm just not good at swimming and this proves it"

Mom: "You jumped, you took a chance, you just weren't ready. You got to the top though, didn't you? That's swimming, you just don't know it yet."

Me: "I'm done."

Mom: "You're not done. You have to swim. Period. Do you want to know a trick first?"

Me: "Whatever."

Mom: "Learn to float. Let's get back in. If you know how to just relax and float, you won't panic and you can just lean back and regroup like that."

Me: "No thanks."

Mom: "Please don't make me throw you back in. I promise you... everything will be ok, and you'll feel better if you just let yourself float. And no matter what, you are getting back in."

I cried until dinner. She didn't care. And the next day.... I learned how to float. Then swim. She was right. Sometimes, you just need to relax.

Thanks, Mom.

This conversation happened today with yet another pregnant friend. We'll call her Nushen.

Me: You have that kid yet?

Nushen: Nope. I'm 36 weeks.

Me: Dang, I feel like you've been knocked up a for a year.

Nushen: Almost!

Me: Is it going to come out of your vagina?

Nushen: That's the yucky plan.

Me: Fuuuuuck that, dude.

Nushen: Oh well.. We had a good run.

That, unfortunately, was the high point of my day.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Spring Is Here Now.

Something wonderful that I forgot to say today:

I was driving on 475 North. The sun was shining. I was listening to my new Spring mix. I was on a good pace to get to work exactly 9 minutes early. That's when I saw him. Off to the right, on hind legs, seemingly staring into nothing. Still groggy from his several months of napping I assume.

My first woodchuck of the spring!!!

I stared as long as I could without wrecking all the other commuters. He was big, fat and everything I had been missing in woodland creatures all winter. I really hope he had a good day.

I Wonder How Long It Took Him To Learn That.

One of my little brothers got married on Saturday. They had what they called a Decades Dance at the reception. The DJ asks all the married couples come out to start dancing. As the song plays, they announce "If you've been married for less than 5 years, leave the dance floor". They go from 5, to 10, to 20, to 25 and so on and so forth. When they got to "If you've been married less than 40 years, exit the dance floor", there were 3 couples left. They lowered the music and asked all three couples to say how long they had been married and give a piece of advice to the newlyweds.

Couple one - Married 44 years: The wife spoke.
"Just have fun. Be able to laugh at anything and everything. It will get you through. Life's a ball, right?"

Couple two - Married 47 years: The wife spoke.
"Never go to bed mad. Don't leave an argument like that. Take a break if you have to, but figure it out."

Couple three - MARRIED 64 YEARS: The husband spoke.
"Just let her be the boss."

Words of wisdom!!

Happy Birthday Adam H. Newman. You've Come Along Way From Being A High School Asshole

It started in about 4th or 5th grade. He called my house to ask me if I would "go out" with Derek Scaletta and if I would like to walk down the street to watch them play basketball. Even though he had a desirable brunette mullet and a silky smooth jump shot, I was lost in Derek's baby blues.

It happened again Junior year of high school. He sat next to me in speech class. He talked loudly. He walked with his chest puffed out and his arms swinging. He wore black K-Swiss canvas tennies. His favorite color appeared to be plaid. He drove a Z-28 when weather permitted. He would jump up in the air, ram his ass in his friends face and scream "Booty Bust!!". He was an asshole, but boy was he cute.

It happened next in spring right after I had turned 20. I was roller blading and had stopped at my roommate's sister's little league game. His sister also played on the team. Not sure if it was the butt length bottle blond hair, the newly minted tattoo of badassery on my back, my deep tanning bed color, eyebrows I hadn't tweezed even once yet, or my sleeveless Michael Jordan t-shirt, but I couldn't believe what happened next.
Friend: Um, Adam Newman is staring at you.
Me: Really?? (I look over. Smile, wave)
Friend: He's still looking. Oh my God, he's walking over here.
Me: (while being careful not to look at him) Are you sure? Is he sitting with us?
Friend: Yes. Shh.
Adam: *Flirt, flirt, flirt. Be cute, be cute. Say smart witty things.* Well, maybe I'll see you around this summer. (walks away with chest puffed out as we stare. He turns around mid stride and catches us)
Friend: He is really, really hot.
Me: Seriously. If I could just get like, 20 minutes in a room alone with him.
Friend: Forget it. He's like... out of our league. (true story, she really used those exact words)
Me: We'll see about that. (never said, but wouldn't it have been cool if I did?)

We had both just come from crappy break ups that involved our significant others actually hooking up with each other. Really peachy situation. After word of our softball field flirting had travelled around town (it took about 30 minutes), 2 mutual friends got us in a room together by telling the other "He/She has been asking about you, I think he/she would like to go out with you". It was a very well-executed rebound operation. We were in an apartment above our local tavern. Visiting, catching up, having several 6 packs with our 2 friends, when he flicked his bottle cap, casually leaned back against the kitchen counter, locked eyes with me, and said the sentence that launched it all....

"So... tell me how you feel about me."

For the first time that I can ever remember, I was speechless. Then fumbling for words. Who says that? Adam H. Newman, that's who. We ended up having a great time, laughing a lot, and sleeping on a floor next to each other that night. About 3 hours into him thinking I was asleep, he put his arm over me and the biggest grin ever spread across my face. And for the last 14 years, I have smiled that smile a million more times when with him.

He has been the best friend I could ever hope for. I was having a hard time in life when he came into it and it was about to get a whole lot harder. Without him, I honestly don't know what I would be like today. He brought me back to life several times I could have just given up. He forgave me the unforgivable when I wouldn't forgive myself. He has always been honest with me, even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear. He has always pushed me to be better while never telling me to be anything other than myself. He has given me the best, most loving compliments I have ever heard. He held my kite strings when I could have easily floated away in the madness of Los Angeles. He let me be and stay a part of his family since we met. (that little sister from above? I'm in her wedding this fall) He makes me laugh, he pushes me to the brink of insanity when arguing, and he gets my food or coffee order right every time. He pulled me out of bed when I wanted nothing more than to stay there, got me Krispy Kreme, and took me to see Transformers. All while claiming not to be embarrassed by my cut off sweats and dirty t-shirt. He is the best, most consistent, good-hearted person I have ever met. Everyone who meets him falls in love with him and I am ridiculously lucky that he's my best friend.

He is 11 months older than me and turns 35 today. He's also growing a bitchin' 'stache right now for March, so if you see him around, be sure to compliment him on it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM H. NEWMAN!!!

You're aces!

Dawson's Creek Is Now Located IN MY PANTS.

Here are some of my latest thoughts.

- I love crazy Charlie Sheen. It's just too bad that someone is going to stick him in rehab or he's going to kill himself soon. I could listen to those one liners for another month before I got truly bored. I mean, I feel sorry for his kids and all, but they have Martin Sheen as a Grandpa so they'll be just fine. Dude has played the President on TV.

- Spring is trying so hard to get here. I can taste the patio drinks now. I actually smelled a skunk yesterday so that means fuzzy mammals are coming out of hiding. Shouldn't the woodchucks be close behind?? I mean... it's time. Stop sleeping. I miss your fat little asses.

- I saw James Van Der Beek in the new Ke$ha video. Who knew that quivering-lipped Dawson Leary would turn out to be so GD sexy as a normal adult! That wordy bastard wore carpenter jeans in Varsity Blues. Carpenter jeans! I mean, I use "normal adult" loosely because he's in a Ke$ha video, but he's funny and there are Unicorns, that's normal enough for me.

- Poison and Motley Crue are touring together this summer. This is like Damon and Stephen Salvatore simultaneously telling me they want to be my live in boyfriends, but with fewer STDs. Fuck! Yes!

- Every time I skype with CML's baby, she gets bigger and crazier and I love it. As soon as the speaker comes on, I can hear her screaming in the background. She's very confused by seeing and hearing me on the screen. Too bad she's (like her parents) too young to remember Max Headroom. I'm like that, but way less douchey.

- Status on my Alec Baldwin crush: Then, Now and Forever.

- Parks And Rec is the best comedy on TV right now. Modern Family is definitely a close second, but the mix of characters is just gold. Ron Swanson. He is all that is man. And at the risk of sounding like a moron (though when has that ever concerned me), who knew Rob Lowe was such a good comedy actor?

- I am trying to not eat Chipotle for a whole month. I highly doubt I will make it even 2 weeks. By the end of week 3, I would be crazier than Charlie Sheen. I would rather hold my breath for a day. Hell, I would rather spend a week under water looking at eels, sharks and zombies. Everyone knows how much I like being under water.

- Seafood salad on lime tortilla chips. Put it in your mouth.

- If I see one more "Your Baby Can Read!!" commercial, I'm gonna lose it. Your baby can't read, you asshole, your baby thinks words are pictures. The alphabet is a pretty important part of life. How about teaching a kid that. I get that you want to give your child any advantage you can from as young an age as possible, but look, random housewife from Kansas, don't order that. Your baby can maybe "read" by the end, but that dumb kid can't spell for shit. Show the kid a picture of a cat and ask them to spell it. I bet they just start screeching in terror or asking you why you derailed their brain before they had a chance to put it to good use.

Reasons I haven't blogged in like.... forevs. Some are true, some are false. You think what you want.

1. Working hard at both jobs.
2. Perpetually masturbating.
3. Reshaping my fingers through hardcore cuticle destruction.
4. Reading Cracked.com and deciding "Why write? I'm never going to be this funny." sigh.
5. Applying for new jobs.
6. Building Lego city and trying really hard to get it right.
7. Sleeping.
8. Studying self-dentistry because I don't want to go to one anymore.
9. Shooting the shit with the evil-eyed janitor.
10. Too busy "Sheening Out".