Please, Please, Please, Come Back And Sing To Me....Dream Chris Martin

So, I'm just sleeping along like nobody's biz and I have the bestest dream.

I'm in a small crowd in a little venue that is pretty bright, looks maybe like a nice cocktail party in a beach house. Coldplay is playing on a stage. Yeah. Stay with me.

I'm grooving right along, trying not to make obvious orgasm faces because Chris Martin keeps making eye contact with me while playing. I tell myself "this is normal, performers do this when they can see the crowd". (John Legend made eye contact with me several times during a filming in real life and it was so fucking hard not to faint because DIMPLES) I'm just singing right along quietly, swaying and such and I feel a little person pair of hands on my legs. I look down and a small blond boy is snuggling right up to the back of my thigh. I see a person lean down to grab him off of me and I look up at the face and it's none other than fucking Gwyneth Paltrow.

She apologizes for her small son attaching himself to my glorious quad and I say that's totally ok and we strike up a conversation because she compliments my blouse. While Coldplay is still just rocking along, she and I discuss a few recipes we like and a restaurant I've been wanting to try and the sunscreens we prefer and my inner dialogue is all "Fuck yes! I'm now totally friends with GP and I'm about to be all up in the GOOP life, Spain, here we come!!" and then I decide to take the less-is-more approach to our new BFF status and get back to watching her consciously uncoupled babydaddy sing my feelings right back to me in hit song form.

While he's playing, he continues to make eye contact and as he's done with one song and the band decided to take a break, he comes down through the crowd and he's greeting people and he shakes my hand and walks away to talk to others. My pants are on fire, I'm trying SO hard to play it cool, but I assume my face looks like a high powered fan is blowing at it and every single one of my teeth is showing via my smile.

I go take a seat on a group of couches and ol GP's spidey senses must  have been tingling, because she comes to chill with me. Her kids are playing with me and we're shooting the shit about mutual friends like Taylor Swift (what??) and blahing and blahing and I'm marveling at how great she looks when she's not trying, but I also want a drink because always.

I get up to talk to a waiter because walking to the bar is for peasants, and over comes Chris Martin. He orders a cocktail as well and starts talking to me about English vodka (again, what??) and I'm just hanging on every word he says (exactly like my favorite Lifehouse song, weird) and we're chatting and he's making faces at me like he's totally relieved to have finally met me and then we discuss our love of deli sandwiches and delis in general. Not Jewish delis, so probably should call them sandwich shops. Then, just as I realize I should walk away, he's all "There's a great deli down the street and they have cupcakes, you want to go sometime?" and I almost explode into one giant glittery pile of yes, but I calmly just say "yeah! great." and he smiles and walks away. I don't even have time in this dream to realize he didn't grab my number because I then have to decide if it's cooler to be friends with Gwynie than to date her ex husband.

I think about it for about 4.1 seconds and realize "screw that vegan bitch, this man is all English smiles and stage hopping and writes love songs that literally cause me to burst into tears, plus she cheated on him according to Vanity Fair, so she's out, he's in". I don't throw my drink in her face or anything, I calmly go back and sit down and pretend she doesn't have eyes and didn't witness that entire encounter. I think Ill just pretend nothing happened as experience has told me to just keep shit to yourself until you are full-on confronted and absolutely have to say something.  She can suck it. And bloody seventh hell, I'll leave that talk to him, he's the one who stayed with that blond ball and chain for so long. I smile to myself in my dream as I have reached peace with the situation and I think Melissa J. Martin will look AMAZEBALLS on my stationery because we are now in love.

And then I wake up.

Fuck you alarm. Fuck you right in your stupid ass.