I'M MY OWN BIGGEST HERO!

You know. Like any other lunch hour. Until....

I decided to head to the Lake Lansing bank branch today for my afternoon money drop. Lovely day, I can also drop off my rent, get some ice cream, you know, some me time. I always dread this area during lunch hour. I have no idea where all the people come from, but everyone in the greater Lansing area heads to this part of town around 11:30am on week days. I figure, it's no big deal, I'll get a cone and take my time weaving through a pattern of intersections I like to refer to as "The Devil's Nest". Anyway... I get my cone, I'm lickin' away and singing along to Mariah Carey on flashback lunch when I think I see a wayward squirrel slowly attempting to fumble his way across a busy street. As I get closer, and other cars coming the other direction do as well, I realize this is actually a baby woodchuck.

Yep.

My brain shifts into automatic hero mode as if I am seeing a member of my family inside a burning house. Zero fucks given for my own safety, I stop my car (and all the cars behind me) and put on my flashers. I leap out, simultaneously chucking my delicious ice cream cone over my car to the side of the road like I wasn't waiting all day for that frozen sugar, and throw up my hands to the cars coming my direction. Not gonna lie, I cut this close and I'm pretty lucky I didn't get just fucking mowed down, but I'm NOT going to watch a baby animal get squished. I'm just not. ESPECIALLY not a woodchuck.

Poor guy is just paralyzed with fear. He is not moving. I walk toward him with my hands down and my thoughts are 1. "Please hurry out of the road before people start yelling." and 2. "If I get my hands on you, you are my pet now, hold still, please." I get right up to him and I bend down and he tries to juke left, juke right, and then he turns his back on me. I clap and tell him to shoo and he scoots his ridiculously cute little fat ass out of the road and up into the deep weeds.

I take a bow, attempt my cutest smile/wave combo to the angry lunch commuters probably just fucking salivating to get to the Burger King behind me, and return to my care feeling like THAT WAS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

Could have been better if I'd actually gotten to pick up the baby woodchuck and get it into my car, but I'm not looking to get rabies right before 4th of July, you know? I've got booze to drink and burns to give myself with sparklers.