1. It has shut off thinking of either of their feelings. I'm only thinking about how he best navigates the situation to get what he wants. Fuck the future, what's happening in that moment. You want that? Take it. 2. Don't worry about who it hurts or me or what is said because you could think you're handling it with the utmost care, and they could see it incredibly different, punch your face, and you'll wish you would have just lied your way out to save (your face) everyone the trouble. 3. If I had just kept lying about my life situation by omission, a few people would be much happier right now. 4. A switch has flipped and I am now sweating with anger.
He goes on about how he is going to say this and that because it's a version of the actual truth and it's exactly what would have happened if a long time ago blah blah blah, and what he's saying makes a lot of sense and as always, he's concerned about feelings getting hurt when they don't need to be. But I just say "Yeah. I have no idea anymore. Handle it however you want, be kind, but if they freak, blame it on me." He goes on some more about how he knew this would happen to me and how I think, yep, this happens in life yadda yadda yadda but I'm not even listening anymore. I have become almost blind with rage. Finally! I think. What a relief! This is great, a breakthrough! My skin is actually hot to the touch!
I hang up, finish pacing the kitchen and return to my desk. I use the rest of my lunch sorting my Outlook and copy/pasting old emails together into one large email. Snippets here, entire emails there, it's a real bloodbath in several different fonts. "This is what everyone really thinks of everyone else. This is what people do to other people. This is what nobody says to anyone's face. But it all floods into and from my Outlook. Sometimes, you gotta be cruel to be kind. This is what hurt and betrayal can really look like" I think to myself as I'm editing spacing. I'm so crazy and out-of-body that I'm actually humming to the radio as I click in my To: box and start adding names. I sit back. And just as I move my mouse to click send, I hear Adam's voice boom into my head.
"Really?? Really." I can see him, clear as if he's standing there, neck all pulled in, taken aback, over the side of my cubicle, head slightly tilted, lowering his voice in 1 of his 2 commanding tones. "This is who you are now? This will make you stop hurting? This will make everyone stop hurting? You feel good about that? Like a champ? A real peace officer?" Ugh. I can so hear him saying all of these things and more. The last sentence I hear is "Yes. You are clearly being misunderstood. By a few different people. But that sends a very, very clear message. And it's not one you would ever want to send" And imaginary Adam is right. He's like a pudgier ghost Edward Cullen from New Moon. And my arm relaxes away from my mouse. I sigh in resignation that I'm a pussy that didn't even use her one awesome hour of blinding rage to go bananas in any cool way. And I start to scroll down the email. And I start to giggle. Because some of it is just plain hilarious. Some of it is just awful, but that makes it even more hilarious. Because it's just people. It's the fray of family and friends. And I like family. And I like friends. And I like people in general. And I wouldn't like myself if I did something like hit send. But I saved to drafts just to give myself a little reminder that my anger came, and it wasn't the delicious, crispy Bloomin' Onion I thought it would be. And subconscious Adam does not approve.
So I sit. And I give another sigh. Because I want to believe there is still some goodness underneath all this. But it's still a real bummer. Because, as a person that is normally composed of happiness, hope, words and action all moving together, about the saddest thing you can realize is that the only thing left to do.... is absolutely nothing.
