Missy Lately

1. I do lunges and push ups off the sink in the bathroom at work every day. Then go back to my computer and email about how fucking buff I am. My friend CC and I are currently in a "buff off". Both only working out AT work. Sometimes I walk through the accounting cubicles, pulling back fake punches, seeing which old ladies flinch.

2. I'm obsessed with Benefit High Beam even though a friend of mine recently told me they may be putting toxic shit in their make up. Whatever... have you seen my cheeks glow?? Sure, maybe it's a radioactive glow, but a glow indeed!

3. My friend who we'll call MegaTits recently tipped me off to some hilarious pictures on facebook. A girl we went to school with has some sort of obsession with "pouting". Allll sorts of crazy ass poses with her pouting and pushing her tits together and talking about "V". Is she confused? High? Watching too much True Blood? Whatever it is, the pic of her upside down on a chair pouting could possibly get blown up and appear on my bedroom wall. For inspiration.

4. I have a wedgie pretty much 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

5. My new favorite articles of clothing are 2 pairs of shorts I got from Wal Mart for $12 each. They look like regular shorts on the front, but then there's a wide elastic band around the back. It's official. I'm back in the Midwest for good.

6. Apparently you can now carry a gun pretty much anywhere you want in Ohio if you have a concealed weapons permit. This includes bars, parks and stadiums. ......yayyyyyy?

7. I recently watched an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. And by "watched" I mean "was fucking glued to". Next thing I knew, I was going bonkers taping every episode I could find. Other shows I have recently also become addicted to: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and Swamp People. Again.... I now live in the Midwest. And I'm really getting into it.

8. Lately, my jack off schedule has become more stressful than my actual job.

9. I have now decided I only eat (really bad) fast food on Fridays. What that means is that every day of the week, I get to say "4 more days til a Big Mac!" and "3 more days til a Big Mac and a McDouble!" and "Guys, in 2 more days I'm ordering McDonald's for breakfast, lunch and dinner!" and "Tomorrow I'm going to eat my fucking weight in nuggets, ya'll!!!". Everyone within ear shot of me at work is super impressed.

10. Britney Spears' body is hot again, but man, does she look dead-eyed or what? When I have my eventual breakdown, please don't put me on her meds cocktail.