RIP Lotus. You Look Like A Pretty Barbie Laptop

Aww, purple Lotus phone.... what can I say.

We've had an amazing 22 months together. That's longer than some marriages. A 22 month old child can run around and call you names already.

You didn't do anything that terrible to me. You were a great phone. You stood by me when everyone called you names and me an idiot for buying you. You faithfully woke me up with that terribly annoying, high-pitched, bullshit alarm. Even on the mornings I was still ass over tea kettle from the night before.

You lit up my life with the trolley bell for every text, letting me know how popular and adored I am. What if the new phone doesn't have that noise? How will I know what the fuck is going on?

You took super flattering pictures of my cleavage to text out to randoms when I had too many Coors Lights. Just the right amount of pixels to make me look sweet, but sexy.

Even after all the times I have dropped you getting out of the car or threw you across the room because I was sick of being texted (ugh, just so popular). All those times I ignored a call or text and then lied and said you didn't receive it..you kept the secrets... you stood by me.

I took your trusty plastic cover off yesterday so you can spend your last few days of service sleek and free and pretty. Like brushing a dog every day until it's dirt nap vet appointment arrives.

I want you to know that green phone will never mean as much to me as you did.

Unless it's better than you. In which case, I never liked you.

Let's just make these last few days special. So stop turning yourself off and back on like an asshole.

xoxoxox

Full Term Duck

Duckface,


It's officially "Duckwatch 2011" at this point.


Your father is on point and ready. He even forwarded me the email he receives from babycenter.com updating him on pregnancy info. He did threaten me regarding a girl name for you last week, but I really don't sweat him attempting bodily harm on me. He sends me pics of you and your Mom when she looks particularly pregnanty. They took infant CPR (just in case, no worries) and when I asked your Dad about it his response was "If I need to give you CPR for some reason, is it infant or adult?". I made him promise to alert me the second your Mom has her first contraction. A few hours later, he did a "test" on me for laughs. I didn't. He's becoming a real jokester, that one. If I could, I would insert an eye rolling emoticon here. Then regret that immediately and remove it. Moving on.

Your Mom is pretty much the same. Gorgeous. Glowing. Nesting. Crazy. They had a hospital tour and sent me a picture so I can mentally grasp where everyone will be. I also saw your official photo shoot and your parents get more attractive every day. It's sickening. Every time I call your Mom I think she's going to be taking it easy and sitting down, but noooo. She's on her way to work or a dinner or interview or something. At this point, I assume you're going to be born somewhere on the 10 West or 3rd Street Promenade. Good thing your Mom works at a lot of hospitals.

Littlest Duckling, you are 37 weeks!!!!! Officially considered FULL TERM. You have fully developed lungs, you are around 7 lbs and 20 inches long. Now, you haven't turned your head down. I asked you to consider this last week. You don't have to do it right this second, but just start thinking about it. In the name of safety for all involved, I relented on demanding you arrive on Feb 13. Your Mom and I have now agreed that Feb 1 would be an ideal delivery date for you. Can you write that in your planner? It is my Grandmother's birthday, your Nana and Poppa will be there the next day, and it is 3 days after a super rowdy Around the World drinking party here, so my hangover will officially be gone. My worst fear is that you try to arrive during this party. Specifically the parts where I'm blacked out. Please don't do that.

Ok, well, good talk. I have to get back to other forms of time theft at work, so until next week, keep on keepin on, practice breathing and blinking, and get big, get big, get big!! And remember, you have my cell. If you decide to start your exit and your Dad forgets, call or text.

Eat you up I love you so xoxox
Me

It's The End Of The World As We Know It.... And I Actually Do Feel Fine.

So....

1. Mass amounts of birds started to fall from the sky in different parts of the world.
2. Large amounts of fish started to die in places as well.
3. Some sort of giant ...thing streaked across the sky in the South. Possibly a meteor.
4. Adam H Newman is floundering and asking me for advice.
5. Our old guy roommate from LA called me last night for advice and support as well.
6. I'm totally happy, healthy, content and busy planning my future while trying to also enjoy the present.

.... do I wait for official word of the Apocalypse or just start planning my party now? Because something is CLEARLY going on.

That Sunset Makes Me Want To Cry

Ok, fuck the post below I suppose. I should remain present. And in light of certain events, it's count my blessings/think about some of the things I love time.

1. Mini pecan pie tarts

2. Random texts from my cousin about Twilight

3. Buffalo chicken dip

4. Nicest roommate in the whole world. That finally shaved his beard

5. My bestie is about to have a big, healthy baby duck

6. Daily emails about goats and "frow up"

7. Textsfromlastnight

8. All my big hoodies and sweats

9. My 2nd Mom made it through neck surgery ok. Then used 'rents in a text to me about her parents

10. Apricot sugarcane body butter

11. Singing at the top of my lungs in the shower, office, my car. I'm awesome

12. this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCto3PCn8wo can't not SMILE!!

13. The bunny that runs my block peeking out from under his pine tree on my drive home.

14. Jumping on the couch til Ken Doll finally laughs

15. Stretching out really far across my bed. Especially in the morning

16. My vibrator

17. Getting ROWDY with the gang

18. Baby giggles

19. Being thrown a bone of hope

20. I have perfectly shaped breasts

21. I finally found a toothpaste that works without tasting like ass

22. My hair. Oh, how it shines

23. I got carded twice by the same waiter Saturday night

24. I am so full of love and happiness sometimes its awkward

25. Seeing my breath while standing and watching the sun set over the snow today outside

I love my life. I'm happy to be here. I'm having a great time!

I'm Going To Zone Out For About 2 Months

I do actually like the way it looks outside right now with clear roads and the sun shining on the snow, BUT I was at Meijer yesterday and amongst the Valentine's Day decorations were the first Daffodils and Hyacinths of the season!!!! Of course I stopped to smell because Hyacinths are my favorite flower. They also made me realize that once New Years is over, it's a straight shot towards Spring!

Yes, I know that in between is February which should be my favorite month with DUCKY, Birthday, Valentine's, Award Season and Superbowl, but whatevs. Spring! Get here!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. For now...

Resolutions Are For Assholes

I'm not really one for resolutions anymore. It's just setting yourself up for utter fail hards. I do like to think about where I was that time the previous year and I have marveled at how much better some things are. And that's what it's really about. Better shit! Best you can do is hope for the best. That's a fucking bumper sticker right there. Here's what I think....


This is the year I:

- Get a different job and move away from Ohio.
- Finish 2 entire scripts.
- Let my hair grow Kardashian long.
- Keep my ass from getting Kardashian fat.
- Let myself cry every time I feel moved to tears. (in a happy way)
- Try to be a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and if it comes my way, girlfriend.
- Look at my day planner at least once a week for ALL 52 weeks of the year.
- Give away at least a quarter of my clothes. I mean it.
- Buy and wear more heels. I mean that too.
- Stop. Destroying. My. Cuticles. I stopped biting my nails, I can DO this.


This is the year I really try to:

- Do at least 5 minutes of SOME sort of working out EVERY day.
- Keep mail and paperwork and bills organized. (I did decent last year. Not great. Decent)
- Make it an even better Summer than last. May be impossible!
- Put at least $5 in my savings account from every check. I mean... that's less than Chipotle.
- Eat more fruit. I really need to do that. I'm going to get scurvy.
- Drink more red wine. It's so good for you!
- Give the "really nice guy" a second glance.
- Smile and hum one line of a song every morning I wake up. Even if I want to cry and be mute.
- See more live music. Even the shitty bands.
- Say the word FUCK less.

This could be the year I:

- Meet the guy I'm going to marry. Who then divorces me.
- Don't overdraw my checking account buying a burrito bowl or Starbucks.
- Get a bunny!
- Get knocked up! By Landon Donovan!
- Stop loving Vampire themed shit.
- Get that armpit lypo I've always wanted.
- Find my Coldplay Rush of Blood to the Head CD.
- Don't pass out drunk on the 4th of July.
- Complete The Pounder challenge at the Sarnie Shoppe. Without barfing.
- Totally figure life out.

Ah, hope. Gotta love it! And January 1st always gives you a nice big dose.

Baked Duck

Ok Duckface. It's the home stretch!!

Your Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle T were there for Christmas. Uncle T got to watch New Moon and seemed VERY excited about it. He was also introduced to my old neighborhood and your Mom told him all about the pesto pasta she loved to eat at my house. I'm sure he was thrilled. They had some troubles finding a flight home, so you almost spent New Years with them as well!

Your Father has apparently been taking notes from your Mom in some departments. I heard today that he called Restoration Hardware and lost his shit while demanding your crib arrive on time. I pray that this is not over-exaggerated because imagining it makes me extremely happy inside. I would have paid good money to watch that call take place. I bet his hair didn't budge an inch. I would have been in the background cheering him on and opening beers for him. I mean, pouring him tea. When I asked your Mom where you were going to sleep, (I suggested dresser drawer or laundry basket to keep it classy) she said "Eh, I don't know, probably the stroller". Don't let all the RH furniture fool you, you're already white trash. Embrace it.

It's pretty official that your Mother is going to remain a crazy, energetic animal right up until your birth. Hopefully not during, but who knows. You know where you were on New Years Day? The Rose Bowl. The fricking Rose Bowl!!! No matter how air tight strong your Dad's hair is, I doubt it could protect her from tens of thousands of rabid, drunk college football fans. The best part about that is when I asked her how you reacted she said "Oh, I was jumping around screaming the whole time so I think the baby was just over it and went to sleep." ....great. I feel so calm about that. Also, I have been on this planet for 33 years and you already have a cooler life than I do and you haven't even exited your Mom yet.

You!!! You are almost 36 weeks bro! About 6 lbs and about 18 or so inches. You know what else that means? You are basically fully baked! You're still getting fat and practicing your blinking and your sucking, but if you were born right now, you would be just fine. I don't encourage this. Your crib isn't here, you'll have to sleep in some rando spot, you don't have a girl name, and I would really like you to hold out (or in) til my birthday. That should also give your Mom more time to just get restless instead of being terrified.

So, another thing littlest Duckling, we need to discuss how your cousin is really upstaging you. I mean, it's not a competition and everyone who knows you both has enough love to go around, but I'm just saying. You are being born into a family of insanely loud, intense people. Until I have my eventual baby with genes from one of your Uncles, it's just going to be you and your cousin battling for first place. I have been trying to talk over your Mother for years and even as loud as I am... it's challenging.

Here are some things your cousin does to grab attention:

1. Blinks
2. Stares
3. Moves her hands while staring at them
4. Cries
5. Arches her back. Sometimes while whining
6. Sucks on the arm of whoever is holding her
7. Barfs
8. Smiles (this is huge, learn this early)

Here are my suggestions for you to steal the spotlight:

1. Bring up sports. Especially corruption in sports.
2. Mention politics, claim to be a hardcore Democrat
3. Hum a Dave Matthews Band song
4. Mention how your eyesight is better than perfect (works for me every time)
5. Win 3 consecutive rounds of Scattergories (Almost impossible as your Papa cheats)
6. Suggest Pagliai's Pizza for dinner
7. Say you just used up the rest of the Captain Morgan's Rum
8. Walk or talk first. I know that's a lot to ask as she's going to have at least 4 months on you, but come on!! You can do it! Don't be lazy!

Since we're getting so close, I may start talking to you weekly now. Let's see if there's anything to say other than how nervous/excited I am!! Until then, consider what I've said and please start moving your head down. It's time for that according to the books. And continue to get big, get big, get big!!

Eat you up I love you so xoxox
Me