I am currently catching parts of a Pretty Little Liars marathon in between projects. I get that there are literally hundreds of absurd and unrealistic pieces of this show I could pick apart, but the worst so far may actually be the British dude that hosts Spencer when she goes for her fake college interview in London. Aka: a dark wood pub set with a Buckingham Palace backdrop.
From the accent, to the lingo, to the references! He talks about not carrying an umbrella (you know, because it rains there a lot) and wants to fix her a Hot Toddy (which I believe they think is English, but I think it's actually Scottish via India). This man, though semi-attractive, was a fucking caricature of Brits. I'm honestly shocked the script didn't call for him to be dressed up as Sherlock Holmes and carrying around a plate of fish & chips. You know, so we get that Spencer is in London. This is whole other country. *said in Forrest Gump fashion*
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Goonies Never Say Die! Even As Grown Ups
You know, I remember being in my very young 20's and thinking "Man, it's going to really suck to grow up because you never get to sleep at a friend's house again, you don't get to have boyfriends, you have to wear loose capris and chunky sandals to be respected, you have to eat macaroni salad and gain a bunch of weight around your elbows....all this stuff blows". I truly pre-mourned everything I loved about being young. The very Midwest, country, conventional ideas of being a "grown up" made me sad, but seemed inevitable.
I did NOT think that at 38 years old, my friends would all be highly respected individuals who still want to plan bi-weekly biking pub crawls around our city while singing songs from Now And Then and Goonies. I didn't think we would all be meeting up on Sunday nights after a long day of boozy brunching to yell at the tv during the scary parts of Game of Thrones. I hoped we would be having in-depth conversations about race relations, music, art, our favorite cheese shops, but I didn't think we'd be having them while drinking sneaky Straw-Ber-Itas with our toes in the sand on a man-made beach in the middle of the city while someone performs a cover of Uptown Funk on a stage by the Campus Martius fountain. The black tie events we regularly attend are fabulous, but 100% better than I ever imagined as we usually uber there from a pre-party with flasks full of bourbon and sour straws in our clutches while laughing the whole way.
I always imagined a loving, stable, content (boring) relationship that I made the most of by lodging some ill-timed arguments and taking absolute and total control over a man's soul and checkbook while wearing a big ol diamond. I certainly never imagined I'd actually end up in a movie theater getting my thong ripped off under my skirt because we're both really bored with the newest Mad Max movie. Then getting fucked over the hood of the Benz in the driveway for outdoor fun because the blowjob with the top down was merely child's play. I did not foresee these things in my future as "an adult". Man, do I love it when I'm wrong.
I did NOT think that at 38 years old, my friends would all be highly respected individuals who still want to plan bi-weekly biking pub crawls around our city while singing songs from Now And Then and Goonies. I didn't think we would all be meeting up on Sunday nights after a long day of boozy brunching to yell at the tv during the scary parts of Game of Thrones. I hoped we would be having in-depth conversations about race relations, music, art, our favorite cheese shops, but I didn't think we'd be having them while drinking sneaky Straw-Ber-Itas with our toes in the sand on a man-made beach in the middle of the city while someone performs a cover of Uptown Funk on a stage by the Campus Martius fountain. The black tie events we regularly attend are fabulous, but 100% better than I ever imagined as we usually uber there from a pre-party with flasks full of bourbon and sour straws in our clutches while laughing the whole way.
I always imagined a loving, stable, content (boring) relationship that I made the most of by lodging some ill-timed arguments and taking absolute and total control over a man's soul and checkbook while wearing a big ol diamond. I certainly never imagined I'd actually end up in a movie theater getting my thong ripped off under my skirt because we're both really bored with the newest Mad Max movie. Then getting fucked over the hood of the Benz in the driveway for outdoor fun because the blowjob with the top down was merely child's play. I did not foresee these things in my future as "an adult". Man, do I love it when I'm wrong.
Monday, June 1, 2015
YAS KWEEN!!!!!!
Ok. So Anyone who knows me is acutely aware that I flip out every time anyone discusses Bruce Jenner's transition. In a good way. I also bawl my eyes out during any special that airs regarding the transition and how everyone is dealing with it.
I don't cry because I'm sad or worried or because I had any particular attachment to Bruce and his physical appearance, but I cry because watching someone free themselves from things that hold them back from their soul's happiness is a profoundly moving sight.
In my life there have been prolonged times of sickness, unrest and unhappiness. Aside for the obvious fucking snake tornadoes of Crohn's Disease, relationships were shitty, jobs were terrible, friendships ended, and those times were really shattering to me. I get that these are pretty common problems to have in life and you just get through them. For me, I think they were hardest because I'm normally a super happy individual. I really am. I'm not one for big mood shifts, I avoid conflict, I don't enjoy negativity at all. I very much shy away from things that don't make me feel good and I trust who I trust and I always have. Secrets don't particularly appeal to me and any time I've had to keep one, it eats at me a little every day. If you have ever told me a secret, there has always been one person I can then tell it to who keeps it safe and it relieves me of the burden whether the secret is good or bad. And that just got me thinking of how utterly suffocating it must have been for Bruce to keep this inside him for so long.
As I have gotten older, I have amassed a large group of totally kick-ass loved ones. Some of these people have come along in the last 5 years, some have been here last 30+ years. I was talking to my mom about it the other day. My thoughts are "Fuck, I am SO lucky to have friends". What I really meant by that was that I am me. I am comfortable in my skin, happy there, really. I don't even know better than to be totally authentic. Sure, I can keep my shit together in formal situations, I can be cordial to people I don't particularly like, but I wouldn't know how to be fake if someone explained it to me. Authenticity comes very natural to me because it has been encouraged from a very young age. The people around me are wonderful and are beyond valued by me because they totally accept, and dare I say it, enjoy me for exactly who I am. I definitely try to make people feel welcome and happy and loved, though at times, I am a ponytail-swinging, bull in a china shop. God bless my loved ones, for fucking real, man.
Back to Bruce. For me. It would be a death-like fate to not be able to be myself and feel loved as is. And let me tell you, it takes bravery to be yourself just as a "normal" person with "the average things" going on in your life. It really does. To say what you really feel and love who you really love and hope that everyone gets on board with those things, yet be prepared to press on if they don't, takes strength and fortitude. But to actually realize your soul was born into a body that doesn't feel like home to you?? Holy shit. The inner conflict. I can't even imagine. I can't even conceive of it.
To say I applaud Bruce for having the strength to become Caitlyn is the mother of all understatements. Not only did she make these moves, but in the public eye, in front of the world, on the cover of Vanity Fair in a fucking corset and bodysuit. Slaying. (I am in arguably the best shape of my entire life and I wouldn't pose on the cover of VF in anything less than a photoshopped ball gown.) And for the first time, I didn't cry about Bruce, I was just blown away by Caitlyn. Being elegant, being beautiful, being free. Never has there been a better time than to scream "YAS KWEEN!!"
I don't cry because I'm sad or worried or because I had any particular attachment to Bruce and his physical appearance, but I cry because watching someone free themselves from things that hold them back from their soul's happiness is a profoundly moving sight.
In my life there have been prolonged times of sickness, unrest and unhappiness. Aside for the obvious fucking snake tornadoes of Crohn's Disease, relationships were shitty, jobs were terrible, friendships ended, and those times were really shattering to me. I get that these are pretty common problems to have in life and you just get through them. For me, I think they were hardest because I'm normally a super happy individual. I really am. I'm not one for big mood shifts, I avoid conflict, I don't enjoy negativity at all. I very much shy away from things that don't make me feel good and I trust who I trust and I always have. Secrets don't particularly appeal to me and any time I've had to keep one, it eats at me a little every day. If you have ever told me a secret, there has always been one person I can then tell it to who keeps it safe and it relieves me of the burden whether the secret is good or bad. And that just got me thinking of how utterly suffocating it must have been for Bruce to keep this inside him for so long.
As I have gotten older, I have amassed a large group of totally kick-ass loved ones. Some of these people have come along in the last 5 years, some have been here last 30+ years. I was talking to my mom about it the other day. My thoughts are "Fuck, I am SO lucky to have friends". What I really meant by that was that I am me. I am comfortable in my skin, happy there, really. I don't even know better than to be totally authentic. Sure, I can keep my shit together in formal situations, I can be cordial to people I don't particularly like, but I wouldn't know how to be fake if someone explained it to me. Authenticity comes very natural to me because it has been encouraged from a very young age. The people around me are wonderful and are beyond valued by me because they totally accept, and dare I say it, enjoy me for exactly who I am. I definitely try to make people feel welcome and happy and loved, though at times, I am a ponytail-swinging, bull in a china shop. God bless my loved ones, for fucking real, man.
Back to Bruce. For me. It would be a death-like fate to not be able to be myself and feel loved as is. And let me tell you, it takes bravery to be yourself just as a "normal" person with "the average things" going on in your life. It really does. To say what you really feel and love who you really love and hope that everyone gets on board with those things, yet be prepared to press on if they don't, takes strength and fortitude. But to actually realize your soul was born into a body that doesn't feel like home to you?? Holy shit. The inner conflict. I can't even imagine. I can't even conceive of it.
To say I applaud Bruce for having the strength to become Caitlyn is the mother of all understatements. Not only did she make these moves, but in the public eye, in front of the world, on the cover of Vanity Fair in a fucking corset and bodysuit. Slaying. (I am in arguably the best shape of my entire life and I wouldn't pose on the cover of VF in anything less than a photoshopped ball gown.) And for the first time, I didn't cry about Bruce, I was just blown away by Caitlyn. Being elegant, being beautiful, being free. Never has there been a better time than to scream "YAS KWEEN!!"
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Still Mad
Totally floored by the ending of Mad Men....even though I didn't originally understand it at all..
I watched twice and I thought the exact same thing: 'Oh wow...Don finally found his happy place and Peggy got her wish to create the next big idea'. I thought Peggy was sitting at the typewriter penning the song for Coke when she got her kiss on the head. And I thought Don was just smiling because the group leader was suggesting they find their next idea or identity and he had thought of his.
I was mistaken. Apparently, Don was actually thinking of the Coke ad, leading us to believe he returned to New York, was taken back in, and proceeded to prove what a fucking baller he was by creating one of the most iconic ads of our lifetime. This created quite the argument in my household. He was all "I imagine Don rocking back into the office like a scene out of a Michael Bay movie, shoving Peggy out of the way and pitching Coke with his new hippie tears rolling down his face". Firstly, I was insulted he added Michael fucking Bay into any sentence that also involved Mad Men. Secondly, I responded that I don't believe Don is a detriment to Peggy or her work and she is sweetly co-dependent with Don. Their relationship has been productive and evolving and truly worthy of a #relationshipgoals label for anyone that has ever sought a complicated and brilliant mentor. He just believes Don is a disgusting person who is terrible at life. I don't believe that. I think Don is an intensely complex person who came from a terrible start in life. People like that scratch and claw an they are survivors. That doesn't make them bad people. I admire people who fuck over their bad odds with how resourceful they can be.
My favorite quote regarding this last scene was "Mad Men makes its final pitch: For Hope". That makes so much sense. Hope to solve the world's problems for just an instant by buying them a Coke. Hope to find love, like Peggy. Hope to get a start at something greater for yourself, like Joan. Hope to finally get it right, like Roger. Hope for second chances, like Pete. And hope for acceptance, like Don. People may disagree with me, but I think Don truly gained a new perspective out there in Big Sur. I'm not saying he won't be the same self-absorbed, philandering drunk we all hate to love, but I don't believe his internal struggles will be as pronounced as before. I think he felt he needed them to be good at his job and I think that little smile was a direct result of realizing he didn't. That he could find peace and art in the same mind where he had so much darkness just a few days before. It's the great struggle for creative types. Are we better when we're sad? Don can find vindication that he doesn't need the pain to be great or powerful.
If you're gifted, you're good. No matter what.
Ugh. I hate that this show is over. The world is so much less cool now. I'm gonna go paint some watercolor pics to feel better.
I watched twice and I thought the exact same thing: 'Oh wow...Don finally found his happy place and Peggy got her wish to create the next big idea'. I thought Peggy was sitting at the typewriter penning the song for Coke when she got her kiss on the head. And I thought Don was just smiling because the group leader was suggesting they find their next idea or identity and he had thought of his.
I was mistaken. Apparently, Don was actually thinking of the Coke ad, leading us to believe he returned to New York, was taken back in, and proceeded to prove what a fucking baller he was by creating one of the most iconic ads of our lifetime. This created quite the argument in my household. He was all "I imagine Don rocking back into the office like a scene out of a Michael Bay movie, shoving Peggy out of the way and pitching Coke with his new hippie tears rolling down his face". Firstly, I was insulted he added Michael fucking Bay into any sentence that also involved Mad Men. Secondly, I responded that I don't believe Don is a detriment to Peggy or her work and she is sweetly co-dependent with Don. Their relationship has been productive and evolving and truly worthy of a #relationshipgoals label for anyone that has ever sought a complicated and brilliant mentor. He just believes Don is a disgusting person who is terrible at life. I don't believe that. I think Don is an intensely complex person who came from a terrible start in life. People like that scratch and claw an they are survivors. That doesn't make them bad people. I admire people who fuck over their bad odds with how resourceful they can be.
My favorite quote regarding this last scene was "Mad Men makes its final pitch: For Hope". That makes so much sense. Hope to solve the world's problems for just an instant by buying them a Coke. Hope to find love, like Peggy. Hope to get a start at something greater for yourself, like Joan. Hope to finally get it right, like Roger. Hope for second chances, like Pete. And hope for acceptance, like Don. People may disagree with me, but I think Don truly gained a new perspective out there in Big Sur. I'm not saying he won't be the same self-absorbed, philandering drunk we all hate to love, but I don't believe his internal struggles will be as pronounced as before. I think he felt he needed them to be good at his job and I think that little smile was a direct result of realizing he didn't. That he could find peace and art in the same mind where he had so much darkness just a few days before. It's the great struggle for creative types. Are we better when we're sad? Don can find vindication that he doesn't need the pain to be great or powerful.
If you're gifted, you're good. No matter what.
Ugh. I hate that this show is over. The world is so much less cool now. I'm gonna go paint some watercolor pics to feel better.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Staying Mad Forever
The imminent conclusion of the show Mad Men is carving a cavern in my heart that I have no idea how to fill!
There have been dramas I have loved, or at best, become addicted to, in my day. Breaking bad, Sons of Anarchy, Scandal (if you can call that a legit drama, more of a soap opera) but none have the magic of Mad Men. Sometimes it all becomes so dark that I am drug down into a hole with the characters. I don't feel that way with this show because even in their darkness, they are so inspiring.
From the writing, to the acting, to the art direction, to the casting, it's truly superb. The way they handle the events of the time period, the fashion, the mentality, the simplicity and the complication.
I just love it. Working in the creative industry, probably one of my very favorite quotes of all time comes from this show....
"We're going to sit at our desks and keep typing while the walls fall down around us because we're creative - the least important, most important thing there is." - Don Draper
There have been dramas I have loved, or at best, become addicted to, in my day. Breaking bad, Sons of Anarchy, Scandal (if you can call that a legit drama, more of a soap opera) but none have the magic of Mad Men. Sometimes it all becomes so dark that I am drug down into a hole with the characters. I don't feel that way with this show because even in their darkness, they are so inspiring.
From the writing, to the acting, to the art direction, to the casting, it's truly superb. The way they handle the events of the time period, the fashion, the mentality, the simplicity and the complication.
I just love it. Working in the creative industry, probably one of my very favorite quotes of all time comes from this show....
"We're going to sit at our desks and keep typing while the walls fall down around us because we're creative - the least important, most important thing there is." - Don Draper
Monday, March 9, 2015
We Can't All Be The Creators Of Broad City
It's kind of awesome when your whole job is to post fun stuff on social media about the things you like best. One would think that is ideal for a little thing like me who fancied herself a lazy bones. The thing is...I'm not a lazy bones. I'm a busy bee.
Not that anything I'm doing is all that groundbreaking as I work for a corporate chain, but can't it be? I have realized that, while using current content and sprucing it up is fun, it would be rad as balls to actually create some content. I mean, I love to stand on the shoulders of reasonably tall people as much as the next guy, but it would be nice to just, like, get a step ladder that I loudly drag across the floor myself. I'm not trying to revolutionize the place, just make its social media pages coveted by those less cool than myself.
I think my first step in content generation will be to whip up some non-offensive memes. I currently have zero in my existing meme folder. After that, drink a bunch of green tea and actually make some nice, motivational ones, but with a little flava to them. Then add in my proposed funny captions and see what kind of response I get back. So far, I'm doing so little and I'm getting CRAZY GOOD feedback and being worshipped and that feels great. Just think of the adoration after I thrust forth my jackpot of self-made shit!
Or I get a sympathetic look and a smile with a little head shake and a "that's not really on brand for US". Either way I win because I'll make an offensive meme out of whatever happens that is sure to bring enjoyment to my friends for days to come.
Not that anything I'm doing is all that groundbreaking as I work for a corporate chain, but can't it be? I have realized that, while using current content and sprucing it up is fun, it would be rad as balls to actually create some content. I mean, I love to stand on the shoulders of reasonably tall people as much as the next guy, but it would be nice to just, like, get a step ladder that I loudly drag across the floor myself. I'm not trying to revolutionize the place, just make its social media pages coveted by those less cool than myself.
I think my first step in content generation will be to whip up some non-offensive memes. I currently have zero in my existing meme folder. After that, drink a bunch of green tea and actually make some nice, motivational ones, but with a little flava to them. Then add in my proposed funny captions and see what kind of response I get back. So far, I'm doing so little and I'm getting CRAZY GOOD feedback and being worshipped and that feels great. Just think of the adoration after I thrust forth my jackpot of self-made shit!
Or I get a sympathetic look and a smile with a little head shake and a "that's not really on brand for US". Either way I win because I'll make an offensive meme out of whatever happens that is sure to bring enjoyment to my friends for days to come.
Friday, March 6, 2015
Focus On The Sunlight
When you are busy hustlin' for your life, so many different things happen at once. You are riding an emotional elevator. I would say roller coaster, but sometimes it's not moving that fast and this is no carnival.
Sometimes the only personal time you get to really enjoy things is like sunshine through blinds and you're trying to put your face in those little strips of light hoping they shower good things upon you. You don't get to be Beyonce all the time. Sometimes you're the person running behind Beyonce with a mic on your head making sure everyone is ready to receive Beyonce. Sometimes you're peacock feathers and other times you're a black turtleneck and that is just the way life is.
That's what makes life rad.
Sometimes the only personal time you get to really enjoy things is like sunshine through blinds and you're trying to put your face in those little strips of light hoping they shower good things upon you. You don't get to be Beyonce all the time. Sometimes you're the person running behind Beyonce with a mic on your head making sure everyone is ready to receive Beyonce. Sometimes you're peacock feathers and other times you're a black turtleneck and that is just the way life is.
That's what makes life rad.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Maybe I'm Pregnant, Maybe I'm Not, But 2 Things I Don't Fuck With: Gang Members And Condoms. (Brian Told Me This Joke)
Yesterday I went so ape shit downloading Spice Girls songs on iTunes that I bought several twice. I didn't realize they had a greatest hits album. My bad.
After that I decided to go to the salon and get bangs. I forgot I had them when I woke up this morning and was momentarily mortified that I had ripped out so much hair in my sleep. False alarm! They are adorable.
I have my first family doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I have a huge fear they're going to tell me I'm pregnant because I was given a very stern lecture on safe sex during the New Years Day Brunch. Good thing I had enough mimosas in me not to care what my friends think.
I am thrilled to start watching Twin Peaks on Netflix because I can't wait to finally get what my parents were gossiping about back in the 90's. If they put My So Called Life on there, my whole world will be made. Brian thinks both of these shows are stupid. He couldn't get through the first 10 minutes of Twin Peaks without bitching. Next month he'll watch it by himself and tell me how great it is like he did with Scandal.
I don't understand...are we supposed to enjoy the Jennifer Lawrence song about the tree?? It sounds like French dance music they play in low-lit bars or Express. It reminds me of shopping for The Editor slacks. Maybe a champagne commercial. Do I love it or hate it? I don't even know anymore.
After that I decided to go to the salon and get bangs. I forgot I had them when I woke up this morning and was momentarily mortified that I had ripped out so much hair in my sleep. False alarm! They are adorable.
I have my first family doctor appointment tomorrow morning and I have a huge fear they're going to tell me I'm pregnant because I was given a very stern lecture on safe sex during the New Years Day Brunch. Good thing I had enough mimosas in me not to care what my friends think.
I am thrilled to start watching Twin Peaks on Netflix because I can't wait to finally get what my parents were gossiping about back in the 90's. If they put My So Called Life on there, my whole world will be made. Brian thinks both of these shows are stupid. He couldn't get through the first 10 minutes of Twin Peaks without bitching. Next month he'll watch it by himself and tell me how great it is like he did with Scandal.
I don't understand...are we supposed to enjoy the Jennifer Lawrence song about the tree?? It sounds like French dance music they play in low-lit bars or Express. It reminds me of shopping for The Editor slacks. Maybe a champagne commercial. Do I love it or hate it? I don't even know anymore.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Leather Belt With A Tutu?? Fuck Yes, I'm In.
Last night I had a dream I was at an event and I was wearing my boot-cut, distressed Seven For All Mankind Jeans. I don't remember the top, I don't remember the shoes, I just remember the jeans. I think for part of the dream I was mortified, and for the other part I was trying to own it like "whatever, these could come back in at any second and they're mad comfortable, bitch."
Why did I have this dream? I have no idea. Maybe it's because I keep staring at a pair of Ralph Lauren boots in the corner of the bedroom and wondering if it will ever not be fucking slushy out so I can wear them instead of Uggs or wellies. (Even though I got carried for 7 blocks on NYE. People just carry me, y'all) Maybe it's because I refuse to not wear turtlenecks and my friends are all "give it up!" and I'm all "nah". Maybe it's because I obsess over "style" and what it means to everyone. Maybe it's because I have been looking at a lot of flashback posts concerning early 2000s fashion and shuddering at all the square-toe shoes and boots.
One of these posts today was regarding Victoria Beckham. Look, she had a lot of whack shit going on in the 2000s, but they brought this outfit up and I'm like "Whaaaaaat? That look is my FAVE!". I would legit wear this to a spring event to this day. It has colors I love, materials I love and ruffles! And sparkles! Also, I'm a huge fan of mixing genres of clothing, like a leather belt with a formal dress. It adds a little bohemian/preppy flair to the mix and who knew that was even possible? It's possible because it's Posh Spice. And with Posh, all things are possible.
No shit, I may start shopping for an ensemble like this for spring parties. Much to the dismay of my friends. Or anyone who has to converse with me and try to make eye contact instead of staring at all the conflicting details of my insane outfit. Fuck them, I look rad. #tutusforever
Why did I have this dream? I have no idea. Maybe it's because I keep staring at a pair of Ralph Lauren boots in the corner of the bedroom and wondering if it will ever not be fucking slushy out so I can wear them instead of Uggs or wellies. (Even though I got carried for 7 blocks on NYE. People just carry me, y'all) Maybe it's because I refuse to not wear turtlenecks and my friends are all "give it up!" and I'm all "nah". Maybe it's because I obsess over "style" and what it means to everyone. Maybe it's because I have been looking at a lot of flashback posts concerning early 2000s fashion and shuddering at all the square-toe shoes and boots.
One of these posts today was regarding Victoria Beckham. Look, she had a lot of whack shit going on in the 2000s, but they brought this outfit up and I'm like "Whaaaaaat? That look is my FAVE!". I would legit wear this to a spring event to this day. It has colors I love, materials I love and ruffles! And sparkles! Also, I'm a huge fan of mixing genres of clothing, like a leather belt with a formal dress. It adds a little bohemian/preppy flair to the mix and who knew that was even possible? It's possible because it's Posh Spice. And with Posh, all things are possible.
No shit, I may start shopping for an ensemble like this for spring parties. Much to the dismay of my friends. Or anyone who has to converse with me and try to make eye contact instead of staring at all the conflicting details of my insane outfit. Fuck them, I look rad. #tutusforever
Monday, January 5, 2015
Omg, it's 2015, motherfuckers!!! Dat shit wild.
My position as Pure Barre Ambassador has been nothing short of wonderful. I got to combine the three things I love most in this world; Pure Barre, writing, and talking about myself. JK. Sort of.
Probably the part I loved most about being the PBA was the fact that it brought people out of the woodwork telling me how much they enjoy my writing. Not just PB enthusiasts, or current close friends of mine who always encourage me to do more writing, but we're talking actual reputable humans. Humans who own law firms. Humans who run wealth management companies. Humans who just bought and renovated the David Whitney building in downtown Detroit. Humans I am extremely fortunate to be facebook (and/or actual) friends with. I couldn't believe the reaction! Shit was mad life affirming!! On New Years Eve I got asked if I had a writing portfolio. wtf.... Is that? Guess I better figure it out soon as one of my resolutions was to get much more involved in the creative aspects of my life. That is happening faster than I anticipated and, from what Pinterest tells me via inspirational quotes, "all the greats do awesome shit before they're prepared to do said awesome shit." or something....
Anyway, where I was actually going with all this is that my brain is pretty empty today after all that New Year Reflection and I just wanted to list a few things I realized I really miss. I miss this stuff, guys. I do. I miss it.
1. Cher. The musician and actress. What's that wild bitch up to? Have you even SEEN The Witches of Eastwick? She's the shiz.
2. Vito's Mediterranean Pizza in Toledo. Also prosciutto crepes.
3. Pearl Drops Tooth Polish. I think this may have proven to be toxic, but DAMN did you get some white teeth with that stuff.
4. Sticker books. What the fuck were we even doing collecting stickers? HAVING FUN, THAT'S WHAT.
5. Little Debbie Lemon Sticks. Or Stix. I'm not sure how Deb spelled them.
6. Apparently, my ex-boyfriend Tim. I had a dream about him shirtless last night and it was highly enjoyable.
7. Brian's beardless face. He looks mad hot with a beard, but I just miss his normal face that doesn't require special oils and intricate grooming. Plus, he's always twisting it and that reminds me of every evil character in history.
8. Not giving a shit about working freelance. Ah, when we were all so young and fucking dumb.
9. Sun tea. This is an easy fix, I just need to make it, but it's not gonna be the same as my Grandma's.
10. My virginity.
Probably the part I loved most about being the PBA was the fact that it brought people out of the woodwork telling me how much they enjoy my writing. Not just PB enthusiasts, or current close friends of mine who always encourage me to do more writing, but we're talking actual reputable humans. Humans who own law firms. Humans who run wealth management companies. Humans who just bought and renovated the David Whitney building in downtown Detroit. Humans I am extremely fortunate to be facebook (and/or actual) friends with. I couldn't believe the reaction! Shit was mad life affirming!! On New Years Eve I got asked if I had a writing portfolio. wtf.... Is that? Guess I better figure it out soon as one of my resolutions was to get much more involved in the creative aspects of my life. That is happening faster than I anticipated and, from what Pinterest tells me via inspirational quotes, "all the greats do awesome shit before they're prepared to do said awesome shit." or something....
Anyway, where I was actually going with all this is that my brain is pretty empty today after all that New Year Reflection and I just wanted to list a few things I realized I really miss. I miss this stuff, guys. I do. I miss it.
1. Cher. The musician and actress. What's that wild bitch up to? Have you even SEEN The Witches of Eastwick? She's the shiz.
2. Vito's Mediterranean Pizza in Toledo. Also prosciutto crepes.
3. Pearl Drops Tooth Polish. I think this may have proven to be toxic, but DAMN did you get some white teeth with that stuff.
4. Sticker books. What the fuck were we even doing collecting stickers? HAVING FUN, THAT'S WHAT.
5. Little Debbie Lemon Sticks. Or Stix. I'm not sure how Deb spelled them.
6. Apparently, my ex-boyfriend Tim. I had a dream about him shirtless last night and it was highly enjoyable.
7. Brian's beardless face. He looks mad hot with a beard, but I just miss his normal face that doesn't require special oils and intricate grooming. Plus, he's always twisting it and that reminds me of every evil character in history.
8. Not giving a shit about working freelance. Ah, when we were all so young and fucking dumb.
9. Sun tea. This is an easy fix, I just need to make it, but it's not gonna be the same as my Grandma's.
10. My virginity.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
VIBES
Yesterday, I posted the facebook status: "My heart says 'Cut your hair to your shoulders and you'll look JUST like Taylor Swift'. My head screams 'Cut your hair to your shoulders and you'll look JUST like your father wearing a wig of your newly-chopped hair!'"
That status got something like 30 likes. For my random thought. Every day I ask myself why I'm not taking a crack at writing professionally and every day my answer is "Oh look! A re-run of Real Housewives of Atlanta is on!". (I'm easily distracted)
Today I woke up feeling positively giddy and excited like all my dreams were about to come true. I have no idea if they will or not, but I walked into my office and someone had put an iced coffee on my desk, then someone paid for my Wendy's in the drive through in front of me, THEN I caught a mouse in a live trap successfully and let him go and he looked back at me as if we had an understanding of mutual respect and joy for life, THEN I got in to the 6pm Pure Barre class with Arika when I was last 5th on the wait list.
WHAT'S NEXT?! A million dollar check gonna fall out of the sky in my name?!
That status got something like 30 likes. For my random thought. Every day I ask myself why I'm not taking a crack at writing professionally and every day my answer is "Oh look! A re-run of Real Housewives of Atlanta is on!". (I'm easily distracted)
Today I woke up feeling positively giddy and excited like all my dreams were about to come true. I have no idea if they will or not, but I walked into my office and someone had put an iced coffee on my desk, then someone paid for my Wendy's in the drive through in front of me, THEN I caught a mouse in a live trap successfully and let him go and he looked back at me as if we had an understanding of mutual respect and joy for life, THEN I got in to the 6pm Pure Barre class with Arika when I was last 5th on the wait list.
WHAT'S NEXT?! A million dollar check gonna fall out of the sky in my name?!
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
I Wish I Was A Little Bit Taller, I Wish I Was A Baller, I Wish I Was A Bitch With A Badass Side Eye
I truly wish I had a super strong resting bitchface/side eye combo, but normally I just resemble a puppy that you left alone all day and is really happy to see you.
*sigh*
*sigh*
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
I Forgot Two
6. I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat on Sunday night while watching Scandal. When I finally decided on sushi, I called and ordered for both of us to be picked up by him because I'll be damned if I'M paying for sushi when I'd settle for a Hot n Ready. Anyhoo, I ordered crunchy shrimp roll and shrimp ebi and was told "That is such a white girl sushi order" by him after opening it and taking a piece for himself. Real nice. Also, complete nonsense. I didn't even order California Roll!
7. Speaking of Scandal, I took a quiz titled "Which Character on Scandal Should You Get Drunk With" and stumbled across a spoiler that made me so enraged I punched a pillow and screamed. I take this shit seriously.
7. Speaking of Scandal, I took a quiz titled "Which Character on Scandal Should You Get Drunk With" and stumbled across a spoiler that made me so enraged I punched a pillow and screamed. I take this shit seriously.
Isn't It Weird To Think That "Timber" by Pitbull And Ke$ha Was Just Coming Out This Time Last Year???
A few of the most random things that have occurred lately.
1. I got chosen as the Ambassador to Pure Barre for the last month of this year. That wasn't exactly random as I got an email notifying me that I was chosen and to prepare articles and social media posts for each week, but the overwhelmingly positive response I have received after my first article was posted was VERY unexpected and lovely. Every time someone stops me in class to tell me they loved my story I almost burst into tears. Such a me thing to do.
2. Speaking of Pure Barre, I had a dream last night that someone, I'm not sure who but I know the subject was male, told me "your ass really isn't what it used to be" so you know I woke up this morning still angry and ready to WORK tonight in class. Watch out everyone, I'mma need my space during seat work.
3. Speaking of dreams, I also had a dream a few nights ago that Taylor Swift became friends with me, invited me to her Detroit show, then afterward, Tony Chin-Quee and I took her to the dirtiest, scariest diner/bar I have ever seen that actually had some sort of dirt-floored attachment on it's side (this may very well be Nancy Whiskey I'm thinking of because that's a scary ass bar that everyone seems to love) where we were hanging out and practicing stripper moves. You guys, I don't even know on this one. My subconscious is a strange place.
4. Speaking of Detroit events, I had totally forgotten the DAC Holiday party was this Saturday. All I knew was that I had selected dresses all through the year to have ready for party season in order to not worry at all. I was ready!! Oh, until I was informed it is "Great Gatsby" themed. Cool. Whatever. One of my outfits is a gorgeous little black jumpsuit with lace that can be styled and accessorized to be Gastby-ish. I figured I'd cruise into my local vintage shop just in case to see if there was anything slightly better. Oh yeah. Ohhhh yeah there was. I told the girls what I was looking for and out comes this incredible dove grey flapper dress with beautiful beading and fringe. I gasped. It's big on me so it drapes in the back, but whatever. It's a once-in-a-lifetime find and I'm going with it. Boom. That's probably the luckiest last minute dress find I've ever experienced.
And PS, my closet is becoming a place that my daughter is going to looooooooove with all these dresses.
And PSS, there's apparently a champagne fountain at the party because the committee had an extra 3K they didn't know how to spend. I say great choice! Why donate it around the holidays?! *insert eye roll*
5. I can't stop eating pomegranates. Can't stop. Peeling them open slowly is like therapy and they taste like candy, but are full of antioxidants. Is there a more random fruit to love???
1. I got chosen as the Ambassador to Pure Barre for the last month of this year. That wasn't exactly random as I got an email notifying me that I was chosen and to prepare articles and social media posts for each week, but the overwhelmingly positive response I have received after my first article was posted was VERY unexpected and lovely. Every time someone stops me in class to tell me they loved my story I almost burst into tears. Such a me thing to do.
2. Speaking of Pure Barre, I had a dream last night that someone, I'm not sure who but I know the subject was male, told me "your ass really isn't what it used to be" so you know I woke up this morning still angry and ready to WORK tonight in class. Watch out everyone, I'mma need my space during seat work.
3. Speaking of dreams, I also had a dream a few nights ago that Taylor Swift became friends with me, invited me to her Detroit show, then afterward, Tony Chin-Quee and I took her to the dirtiest, scariest diner/bar I have ever seen that actually had some sort of dirt-floored attachment on it's side (this may very well be Nancy Whiskey I'm thinking of because that's a scary ass bar that everyone seems to love) where we were hanging out and practicing stripper moves. You guys, I don't even know on this one. My subconscious is a strange place.
4. Speaking of Detroit events, I had totally forgotten the DAC Holiday party was this Saturday. All I knew was that I had selected dresses all through the year to have ready for party season in order to not worry at all. I was ready!! Oh, until I was informed it is "Great Gatsby" themed. Cool. Whatever. One of my outfits is a gorgeous little black jumpsuit with lace that can be styled and accessorized to be Gastby-ish. I figured I'd cruise into my local vintage shop just in case to see if there was anything slightly better. Oh yeah. Ohhhh yeah there was. I told the girls what I was looking for and out comes this incredible dove grey flapper dress with beautiful beading and fringe. I gasped. It's big on me so it drapes in the back, but whatever. It's a once-in-a-lifetime find and I'm going with it. Boom. That's probably the luckiest last minute dress find I've ever experienced.
And PS, my closet is becoming a place that my daughter is going to looooooooove with all these dresses.
And PSS, there's apparently a champagne fountain at the party because the committee had an extra 3K they didn't know how to spend. I say great choice! Why donate it around the holidays?! *insert eye roll*
5. I can't stop eating pomegranates. Can't stop. Peeling them open slowly is like therapy and they taste like candy, but are full of antioxidants. Is there a more random fruit to love???
Monday, November 24, 2014
I'm Pretty Positive That The More Eyeliner Quinn Wears, The More Blood Lust She Gains
I watched so much fucking Scandal (Season 2 and beginning Season 3) this weekend that when I just opened CNN.com, my first thoughts were "Why are there no headlines regarding the President's affair? How is America not discussing the discovery of the mole? What about an article about David Rosen regaining his position as distinguished attorney?!" Seriously.
I looked at a picture of President Obama and was like "Who is the handsome black guy?"
I looked at a picture of President Obama and was like "Who is the handsome black guy?"
Friday, November 21, 2014
Oh, It's Going To Be Handled. And By "It" I Mean Sweatpants And Popcorn. And Ice Cream.
Tonight I have a huge plan to stay in a cloud of blankets and pillows and watch however many episodes of Scandal it takes for my brain to totally go off the rails and believe I could be the next Olivia Pope. Considering I'm only in the middle of season 2, I have many potential hours of self-transformation ahead of me. Last week I bought the most incredible grey wool coat that looks like it belongs at the White House, so I'm like... 40% of the way there already. One bottle of red wine, a giant bowl of popcorn and some silky PJ bottoms and I think that pretty much does it!
I know this is one of the most typical white girl Friday nights in existence, but A) I had my very first EVER battle with stomach bug/food poisoning that overtook my soul on Tuesday night. B) All JD could talk about during said bout of illness was how badly his back hurt, needed rubbed, and I should "just drink Vernor's!" and C) I watched 12 Years A Slave last night and I still haven't fully recovered from any of these things, so give me a fucking break, ok, man? I'm not a gladiator just yet.
I know this is one of the most typical white girl Friday nights in existence, but A) I had my very first EVER battle with stomach bug/food poisoning that overtook my soul on Tuesday night. B) All JD could talk about during said bout of illness was how badly his back hurt, needed rubbed, and I should "just drink Vernor's!" and C) I watched 12 Years A Slave last night and I still haven't fully recovered from any of these things, so give me a fucking break, ok, man? I'm not a gladiator just yet.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Please Do Not Take Your Emotional Impotence Out On Me, Asshole.
I was all sorts of happy when I left for lunch today and I remembered I had downloaded 2 of my favorite love songs of all time last night. It's cold ass actual fuck outside and the sky continues to spit snow on and off, but it was sunny at this time and I was singing and I was actually doing something worthwhile at the time (getting an oil change) so, sort of a perfect storm of productivity.
On my wait back to the office I decided I would walk in here all triumphantly with my new clean fucking oil and wiper fluid and post the best damn blog ever about one of the songs I was listening to, but THEN I asked someone a simple question and they gave me a shitty answer, like they're a teenage girl (not though, grown man) asserting her false bad bitch status in the 10th grade, and my hormones took over and now I'm writing this blog to tell you that instead.
Oh, the delicate balance of estrogen vs. testosterone. May it swirl and whirl until we all just murder each other.
On my wait back to the office I decided I would walk in here all triumphantly with my new clean fucking oil and wiper fluid and post the best damn blog ever about one of the songs I was listening to, but THEN I asked someone a simple question and they gave me a shitty answer, like they're a teenage girl (not though, grown man) asserting her false bad bitch status in the 10th grade, and my hormones took over and now I'm writing this blog to tell you that instead.
Oh, the delicate balance of estrogen vs. testosterone. May it swirl and whirl until we all just murder each other.
Friday, November 14, 2014
I Almost Forgot.....Kim Kardashian Still Exists
So...... From what I understand, Kim Kardashian is crazy thirsty for attention. It's kinda sad because when I met her she was actually really sweet and normal and seemed a bit shy. I almost can't even juxtapose that girl with this one.
I don't want to belittle her right as a woman to be sexy and put her body out there and be proud of it, but I just think the hashtag #BreakTheInternet sounds so desperate. It's like someone walking into a party and doing their best to let everyone there know they are rich. Or people who went to Harvard mentioning the fact they went to Harvard in the first 2 sentences of every conversation. It's a bizarre, uncool use of a once cool phrase. She should have just used #MoreAttentionPlease or #MyAssAGAIN or #PleaseLookAtMe.
I don't mean to be a total bitch, but Kim, I have already seen actual video of you getting eaten out, fucked and giving a blowie. Why would I, or the rest of the interwebs, care more about a digitally manipulated photo of your oiled up body that is a copy of a previous photo by that photographer? That just makes no sense.
Furthermore, if this is your cry for help that you need even more attention than you are currently getting....where do you go from here? We've already seen your labia, bro. What else are you going to show us? How do you plan to keep that spotlight on you? Your addiction isn't an easy one to feed, but I wish you the best in your attempts.
Anyway, please tell Kanye to do College Dropout Part Deuce. Love to North. She cute.
I don't want to belittle her right as a woman to be sexy and put her body out there and be proud of it, but I just think the hashtag #BreakTheInternet sounds so desperate. It's like someone walking into a party and doing their best to let everyone there know they are rich. Or people who went to Harvard mentioning the fact they went to Harvard in the first 2 sentences of every conversation. It's a bizarre, uncool use of a once cool phrase. She should have just used #MoreAttentionPlease or #MyAssAGAIN or #PleaseLookAtMe.
I don't mean to be a total bitch, but Kim, I have already seen actual video of you getting eaten out, fucked and giving a blowie. Why would I, or the rest of the interwebs, care more about a digitally manipulated photo of your oiled up body that is a copy of a previous photo by that photographer? That just makes no sense.
Furthermore, if this is your cry for help that you need even more attention than you are currently getting....where do you go from here? We've already seen your labia, bro. What else are you going to show us? How do you plan to keep that spotlight on you? Your addiction isn't an easy one to feed, but I wish you the best in your attempts.
Anyway, please tell Kanye to do College Dropout Part Deuce. Love to North. She cute.
I Basically Just Won Iron Chef. In My Mind.
I did it! I really did it!
I imagined myself acting like a primate and just pounding the pomegranate on my counter until it was just a pile of juicy mush and then scooping it up with 4 fingers and spooning it into my mouth, but instead...I watched a Martha Stewart tutorial on how to properly open it because fucking elegance.
I daintily cut off the top stem, then I scored the sides, then I carefully wedged that mofo open and slowly shook or picked out all the pods. (no worries, I Instagramed it as well for proof)
I ate a few during the process, just to remember the taste and consistency, because I wanted an idea of what to mix them into after topping cheesecake bites with a small portion. Salads? Pork Chops? Pasta? WHAT?! And you know what I want to mix them with? My mouth only because those little juice pockets are the REALNESS.
Pomegranate. My new favorite snack. I feel sophisticated as balls typing that and meaning it.
I imagined myself acting like a primate and just pounding the pomegranate on my counter until it was just a pile of juicy mush and then scooping it up with 4 fingers and spooning it into my mouth, but instead...I watched a Martha Stewart tutorial on how to properly open it because fucking elegance.
I daintily cut off the top stem, then I scored the sides, then I carefully wedged that mofo open and slowly shook or picked out all the pods. (no worries, I Instagramed it as well for proof)
I ate a few during the process, just to remember the taste and consistency, because I wanted an idea of what to mix them into after topping cheesecake bites with a small portion. Salads? Pork Chops? Pasta? WHAT?! And you know what I want to mix them with? My mouth only because those little juice pockets are the REALNESS.
Pomegranate. My new favorite snack. I feel sophisticated as balls typing that and meaning it.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
RED EVERYWHERE
I will be cutting open a pomegranate by myself for the first time tonight to prepare a dessert.
Prayers would be appreciated.
Prayers would be appreciated.
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