Aaaand This Just Became A Dream Journal

I sold my LA apartment and cried. My mom, Grandparents and friend Tyler came to help me move. I assigned Tyler to carry the heavy 70's style TV complete with decorative wood casing, but then decided I didn't need it. He was useless (as always). As I cried to my old lady landlord that I loved living there and felt very safe, I asked her if she had any buildings in Chicago I should check out. She said yes, and Brooklyn, and for a split second I thought to myself "Brooklyn? Maybe I want to move there instead?".

Next thing I know, my bed is still intact and I'm making out with Justin Timberlake and its headed STRAIGHT for sexual intercourse. He's much less smooth and commanding as I thought he would be in the bedroom. He's sort of the TJ I remember from working on NSync videos, but with even less swag. And.... and incredibly weird shaped penis. I'm shocked, but I decide to just keep going because.. meh, it's JT. This isn't going anywhere, just enjoy his FutureLoveSexSounds and go on with life. When he asks for a condom, I secretly think "is it even going to work on that weird ass thing?" but again, I proceed. Just as it's about to happen, I hear this incredibly weird noise and JT looks up in shock at some weird midget outside my window that just looked in and moved on. Out loud I say "I'm really going to miss LA" and we go on about our business. I don't really remember the actual act or him leaving so we're probably still in a relationship in dreamland.

Next thing I know, I'm holding a baby, he loudly shits in my arms. I sigh and say "This kid just filled his pants". He now has a baby nurse and she's anxiously staring him down because she wants to take him and fix the stink problem, but I sort of gently yank him back and say "I've got it, I've changed thousands of diapers." almost rudely because I'm annoyed she's even there. I cart him away upstairs to get him fresh buns before he realizes he's chilling is his own excrement and tries to cry about it. Next thing I know, his mother is behind me saying she can't wait to see how weirded out I get by this as if I haven't been changing shitty diapers since 6th grade. (yeah, I had to take care of babies before I ever kissed a boy, foreshadowing anyone??) I ask her how that's even possible and she says "Because you've changed mostly girls, he has actual balls." I lie him down, look down at his still smiling face and say to her "If you can handle the adult kind, the baby kind should be a breeze" and I get down to business. Meanwhile, my non-boyfriend is busy telling me to hurry up because it's time to go drink and I tell him "JUST GO WITHOUT ME!" and I have no idea why I'm being so rude, but it doesn't help because all he does is leave the room and start calling my phone to say the same thing. I look down at the STILL smiling babyface and say "maybe he needs his shitty pants changed too. But more violently". The baby enjoys this and claps.

The baby nurse comes in and looks down and me while I all-too-loudly say "All done!" in her face. While standing the baby up to do some assisted walking.

And that's the kind of dreams you have when you eat McDonald's, frozen pizza and Hibachi all in one day, folks. I'm going to keep that pattern up!