If I Had A Band I Would Name It Invisible Cameltoe

It's been so long since I blogged that the site locked me out and acted like it didn't fucking remember me. NOT COOL. Really, not cool on my part. You get one boyfriend, a new job, a half-ass other boyfriend, move to a new city and state and you just forget your internet diary, man. I'll try to be better.

I don't have anything particularly awesome to speak on so I figured I'd just ramble for a few minutes, you know, to get the juices back to flowing. 'Spose I'll just.... list some recent observations of mine.

1. I need a pedicure to kick off the summer. My toes are just all fucked up, I don't even have a funny way to describe them.

2. I keep seeing random people rollerblading. Is that a thing again? Or do I have pot brownie flashbacks?

3. The Taco Bell Cantina menu is better than expected.

4. I'm one of those girls that now thinks about cute work out clothes for Pure Barre, but I'm not yet one of those girls who will spend $90 on yoga tights. I'll stick to the kind at JT Maxx.

5. I'm having a desperate love affair with TJ Maxx. And Marshall's. And HomeGoods.

6. My butt muscles have grown to the point where I need to start shopping for different brands of jeans that allow for more booty room. If not, my existing jeans yield to my glutes and pull back on my vag camel toe style. It's unfortunate.

7. I decided to go for a run/walk on the river trail tonight. Ran 3 blocks there, took 4 steps into the woods, immediately got 5 mosquito bites, went back home to shower and call it a day.

8. I want to eat ice pops. But they're just sugary water.

9. I also want ice cream. But it makes instant fat dimples on thighs.

10. Adult acne is the worst.

11. If I'm PMSing and my nail polish chips, I could literally fly into a rage or bawl my eyes out. Or both. Or eat a bowl of ice cream and feel better.

12. I thought seriously for the very first time a few days ago about wanting a dog. Then I spent the last $20 I had on a blouse, realized I would still do that even if my dog needed food, started drinking and stopped thinking about that.

13. I don't understand how restaurants keep their cooked chicken so soft and mine gets hard.... I don't get it.

14. Belly fat is really as hard to get rid of as all the magazines claim. Those fuckers. I want to walk around to every girl chugging beer and McDonald's on Michigan State's campus and smack it out of her hand with the warning "You have NO idea how hard it will be to stay in shape in 10-13 years. Don't eat this!"

15. Man, McDonald's sounds weirdly good, even after that rant. Fucking PMS.

My Two New Favorite Mini-Phrases And Their Real Meaning

Genitally Inept = Woman
Delusionally Humble = My ego

FOOD AND SHOES

Bummers about moving to Michigan:

1. Not many TJ Maxx stores in the area
2. Always about 8 degrees colder and 5 inches snowier than Ohio.
3. No Poco Piatti, only one Chipotle
4. Mid Michigan is NOT set up grid-like
5. No Vito's Mediterranean pizza!!!! :(

Sweet ass shit about moving to Michigan:

1. No Ohio State fans.
2. Big Apple Bagles!
3. Grand Traverse Pie Company!
4. Way more lakes.
5. Dunkin Donuts!
6. More seafood restaurants
7. Pure Barre!
8. More hockey fans
9. A way bigger DSW shoe store
10. It's Michigan!!!

Side note: Clearly I like clothes, but I won't fit into any if I'm as big of a fat ass as the above lists states.

I'm About To Be Put On Trial For How Much I'm KILLING IT AT LIFE!

Ok, I honestly just have to take a minute to commemorate this moment in time because I'm absolutely CRUSHING IT AT LIFE right now. Oh, let me count the ways.

1. Became jobless in November after explaining to my former bosses how fucked up they are and that they're basically running a huge company (not to mention the souls of innocent employees) into the ground. Day before Thanksgiving - fired. Get out.

2. BUT then I rally, go home to Marcellus and work for the fam while totally reconnecting with the babyest of the baby sisters just in time for her to start her period and, guess what? SAME CYCLE AS ME! Awesome. I'm here to help you cope.

3. Got in massive passive aggressive argument with boyfriend where I basically told him to nut up or shut up and he is slowly trying to nut up. But, that being said, as he tried to pull it out of the gutter, told him "Um, take your time, I'm going to date other people" thinking "I'm not really dating other people", BUT uh, yeah. I am. Accidentally. Yeah, you read that right. A couple of random foxes just fell into my lap. Now I have to budget my time wisely.

4. Walked in to Sprint, got free iPhone. Now I'm basically connected to all  humanity in a way I never knew possible.

5. After 4 interviews and a grueling 13 page personality test, I landed a kick ass job back in Michigan. If I don't fuck it all up like a snake tornado, it will only get better and better with even bigger paychecks. College?? UNNECESSARY.

6. Discovered the show GIRLS; improved my comedy and grammar in the 4.5 hours I spent watching it. Started following them all on Twitter. Done. Killed.

7. Went tanning one time, just to get a base, came out golden brown-looking like I own summer.

8. Decided to test the baldness of my tires on Guards Prairie road on CC's birthday, slid the whole way while donutting into the driveway laughing. Managed to avoid a swamp and a Ford Taurus carrying mail. Amazing. Also, drank until I blacked out and woke up with no hangover. Boom.

9. Got earlier mentioned job in a town 2 hours away with little to no plan on how to get there. Friend disguised as an angel steps up and calls me to tell me I'll be staying with her and her lawyer boyfriend in their lake house with an already-shoveled hockey rink in front of it. AND that she also set up a meeting with a future roommate for cheap rent until I want to get my own place. THANKS, UNIVERSE!!

10. Took cookies to the last day at my temp job, got handed 3 numbers on the way out from dudes that want to hit this. I won't call any of them because they're clearly beneath me in every way, but still, it's nice to know others think this perfect peach skin and waterfall of strawberry blonde silk are as fucking spectac as I do.

And I'll Feel Fiiiiiine. Because I'll Be Drunk.

In the long shot case that the Mayans aren't totally full of shit, I plan to spend the next 35-45 hours naked, drunk and aroused as much as possible. I know what you're thinking, "This sounds like a regular Thursday to Friday activity for her." but not necessarily. What I'm thinking is "how am I going to get through that 8:30am job interview bombed?". But that's neither here nor there.

Also, I have a black tie party tomorrow night and my bf has so nicely agreed to pretend it's New Year's Eve at midnight while doing a little private countdown and kiss just in case that's when it's supposed to all go down. If not, I'm slapping his face and stomping on his foot to somehow make him grateful to be alive. He'll laugh or get really pissed, but either way, I survived the Mayan mass death prediction, so I'm basically invincible and don't care.

In other relevant news: I'll be playing every version of this on repeat. Loudly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzsMB7rgisE

Dave has the right idea here. Because as my bf so eloquently put it with a straight face "That's how I'd like to die. I'd like to come and go. Get it?"  Yes....I get it. And I like where you're going with that.

It's The Little Things!

Here's a list of things I want for Christmas. Or any old time.

1. An envelope of cash. $600 or more. Anything less is unacceptable.

2. To be able to eat all the Edward's key lime pie I can fit in my gullet without getting a huge ass.

3. A full-time writing job that pays like a full-time drug dealing job.

4. For my boyfriend to start wearing a seat belt without me having to tell him. Even when we're going "just around the block" (which isn't true if we're on the freeway)

5. Summer to return. Whenever I choose.

6. Gainful employment. That doesn't make me want to scratch my eyes out.

7. For people to stop using senseless tragedies as a reason to post political drivel on facebook. That's what the elections were for.

8. All the blue cheese and apricots in the world.

9. One of my neighbors to get chickens and put me in charge of egg gathering because I'm obsessed with that chore at the Prairie.

10. A snow cone maker.

11. Shared custody of Winnie.

12. To pick one night a month where my nails get done, my body gets waxed, and my tattoo gets removed while I sleep. (Once the tattoo is gone, replace that with spray tanning)

13. Toned armpits.

14. Sex and the City to start over somehow. No, not The Carrie Diaries.

15. A close friendship with Michelle Obama. Like, where we watch Workaholics and eat Vito's together!

Only 7 more days if you want to get all these under my tree! If you get me all 15, Margarita cones for everyone!!!

I See London, I See Fance

So, yesterday. I get up and I'm fretting about running errands and making it to my lunch date and then up to see the boy in time and if I really need an oil change and what to pack and if I'm going to be getting a call about a job and when my new debit card will show up and what to eat and not be bloated and if Katie will get picked up from school on time all sorts of other bullshit when I stop to get gas.

I'm done pumping and I'm screwing on my gas cap when something moves and catches the corner of my. It's a man going into the Speedway to pay. His body is just half of a torso, arms and his head and he's on a sort of skateboard. As I'm walking to the door he just entered, thoughts start to flood my head like "How is he living? Where are his vital organs, how do they all have room in that space? Does he still need to eat?" and other logistics based nonsense. When I open the door and go in to pay, he's having a discussion with the girl at the counter about how gas prices shot up 20 cents. And instantly, there were no more science-based questions, I just wanted to discuss that too because what the fuck, gas prices, why did you go up? I found it interesting that in one second, my brain went from pity and curiosity over the most obvious subject at hand to empathy and frustration over a shared subject. (Also, I told him gas was always cheapest in Maumee and he said its too inconvenient to drive over the bridge to save 6 cents and I agreed, but that's neither here nor there)

We talked for a second about the area and where he always sees gas prices and on what days and then he headed on out to his big black truck to pump his 60 bucks of diesel. I paid as well and headed back to my car. When I drove away, I waved at him and I was instantly back to thinking about his situation again.

First of all, it gives you a great big ass perspective check on the shit you worry about daily. Even unemployment and searching for the right job seems insignificant compared to having no body below your rib cage. I also wondered if every day he gets up and worries about the looks he'll get or the questions he'll be asked. How inconvenient it is when it rains or snows. But then I started to think to myself "That guy does not seem like the kind of person who goes around each day pissed about what he doesn't have, that's for damn sure". I really started to consider all the things he gets to know with his hands that the rest of us rarely do if at all.

What's it like to touch pavement on a sunny day and feel that warmth straight out of your air conditioning. What spring grass feels like in your hands in the morning with dew still on it. The crunchiness of gravel. The cool smooth of ceramic tile. The temperature of a summer mud puddle. The crumple of fall leaves when they get to that papery stage on the ground. The seem on a curb where the concrete is molded together. The graininess of different threads of carpeting. The powdery, fluffy, wonderful feeling of light snow on top of biting cold black ice.

I no longer wanted to meet him again to ask him where his stomach is located. I wanted to inquire about all of those things. Things that I now want to randomly touch when I get the chance because my curiosity is peaked in an envious way rather than a pity party or logical way.

And maybe how often he sneaks a peek up skirts or smirks about men who refuse to take the time to match their socks, but then again, that's neither here nor there. :)