Rando Commando

1. Whenever I watch Steel Magnolias, I get the urge to move to a small Southern town, adopt a drawl, marry the first nice guy available and start popping out fat babies while I stay perfectly slim.

2. So, basically, someone pitched "I want to do the movie Taken, but with a woman looking for her son and in a tv show instead of a movie and call it Missing" and someone said "Yeah!"

3. I'm VERY excited for Spring. Today was one of those warm, breezy, happy days where you think anything and everything is possible and you just know great things are coming blah blah blah. I haven't seen a robin or a woodchuck yet, but the sun warmed my smiley little face all day long and I can smell rain in the air so good enough. For now.

4. Books: I just finished reading Water For Elephants and I am SO said it's over. I can't find my copy of Hunger Games to re-read it before seeing the movie. Not amused by that. Have no idea who I loaned it to. I'm also a tad miffed that the movie The Lorax is now some sort of comedy.... that book is not a comedy.

5. If strawberries and bananas were so meant to be together, which they clearly are, why do they grow in different regions of the world? I want a strawberry patch and a banana tree in my back yard, dammit!

Leeniekins

When we were 6, I loved her long braid. Pretty sure she was the only one of all the girls I know that never got head lice from the scummies in elementary.

When we were 8, I was so jealous she won a pink cake with sprinkles at a school fundraiser. Which was great, because she had cut that braid off and was having a bad day.

When we were 10, I moved near her and we got to ride the same bus. She would come to my house and we'd build forts. We would sled for hours on end. We would explore all around the fields, jumping on round bales and once we snuggled down between them thinking that would be a pretty awesome fort spot until she jumped out and started rolling around on the ground. I was asking her what was wrong and as she was scrambling away on hands and knees yelling "MOUSE!" I saw the scared little thing climb out of her snow boot and run back into the safety of the bale.

When we were 11, we ran through the woods at 6th grade camp at night and she hurt her ankle. I remember being happy my Dad had showed up to stay the 2nd half of the week. But after camp, I got taken to a new house because my Mom and Dad had separated.

When we were 12, she held me while I sat crying when my Dad told me he he was marrying someone else.

When we were 13, she would sit with me laughing and gossiping about boys while I flushed my feeding tube out and mixed up my powder for that night's intake.

When we were 14, she was the first person I asked to be brought to the hospital after my surgery. She sat in my hospital room and told me all about what was going on at school.

When we were 15, she was my driver's ed partner. Even though I had to sit on a pillow to see and be able to reach the pedals at the same time, she wasn't that scared to ride with me.

When we were 16, I snuck out of a house for my first time with her. And she always went out last and back in first in case we got caught. She was a sneaking whiz.

When we were 17, she was the first call I made when I lost my virginity. 5 minutes after the act.

When we were 18, we got in a borderline fist fight on a football field. We certainly did have our share of disagreements over the years.

When we were 20, I was at her house when my Mom tracked me down to tell me my Grandma had died after surgery. And she held me again crying on her kitchen floor and rushed me to the bathroom to throw up.

When I was 21, she bought me my first birthday shot.

We are 35. She is still around. We haven't run through woods in a while, but she still buys me shots. And the last time I told her I was going to cry, we were in Whole Foods and she looked at me with such profound sadness and I knew if I had, she would have held me right there in front of the bakery counter.

She is tried and true. There is not one thing I can't share with her. She's right there to support me or tell me I'm crazy or tell me she thinks I'm wrong, but whatever her opinion, she has always delivered it with love and compassion. (accept the time she punched me in the head) Even when going through a hard time herself, she's there to cheer me on and help me out in any way she can.

She's always up for an adventure or she's always up to stay in and laugh til all hours of the night. But the most important thing is she's always there. She is tried and true, that's for damn sure.

And she's a birthday girl tomorrow. I love you, Leenie. You have made this a thoroughly enjoyable 35 years and I hope I've done the same for you.

MIRACLE ALERT

Several miracles have happened within the last 24 hours:

1. I went to the bar on a week night after 8pm. And I may make it 2 in a row. I don't want to call it a res-erection (see what I did there?) or anything, but I'm feeling it. One can only act their age for so long.

2. Speaking of my age, a man slightly over my age introduced himself to me and then asked my friends about me after I bounced from the bar. This has never happened in Ohio. Ever. Not anyone within 5 years of my age ever hits on me. I mean, he's 40 so borderline elderly and about to die in my eyes, (or he probably thinks I'm 25) so nothing may come of it, but its still a milestone. And he's a doctor. Not even "in sales" as all 40 year olds in Ohio are.

3. I successfully opened a bottle of wine, all by myself, without the cork getting broken in half or shredded into approximately 67 pieces. No wonder that old man thinks I'm hot, I finally became a real woman!

4. I found my checkbook. hahahah checks! Who even uses those anymore?? I also found my 2 little Kermits and almost cried. They have been "missing" in my closet for a long time. I love those little green bastards and now they sit in my room next to my perfume and say good day to me.

5. Today I saw Burger Lady not only bring snacks and a normal lunch of sandwich, pudding and chips instead of utilizing her premium membership at Arby's, but this food included AN APPLE. I wonder if handling a raw piece of fruit made her feel like she was bonding with nature in the most intimate way. Now, she may have just stolen a 5th grader's lunch, but hopefully not. Hopefully she's turning a new corner. Before you know it, she and I will be swapping quinoa recipes on Pinterest!

Or she'll just keep on hating me. But, you never know!

Balls. I Forgot A Big One..

35.5 Pray. Pray all the time. Small prayers, big prayers. Whether it's that Crosby is injury free, or you wake up from your surgery, or your Dad drives safe at night, or your little sister is happy and healthy, for strength to cope with stress, or the sandwich artist at Subway just sneezed on your sub from allergies and not the flu... pray. To whoever or whatever makes you feel stronger or connected. Pray.

And pray that I don't fall down drunk tonight on the streets. That's always a good one to start with.

I'm Not Aware Of Too Many Things. I Know What I Know If You Know What I Mean

People keep asking me if I feel any older now that I'm 35. Not in the slightest. I mean, aside for the dull pain of my bones turning to dust, but that's pretty manageable. I don't know if I have anything real to share, or if I've learned anything valuable. But here are some pearls for your smarts necklace.

1. Save your money. Every little bit (or big bit) you can. Because whether you need it for a surgery or a last minute Mexico drunkfest, you'll never miss all that other dumb shit you bought with it.

2. You are what you eat. You actually are. Eat well. If you think your body runs pretty awesome on McDonald's and pasta, wait til you put some vegetables and water in it. You won't regret it. Sure, treat yourself. Just don't treat yourself with shit for years at a time.

3. Hair is flammable. Extremely. Fucking. Flammable. All the hair on your body. Please be careful in college.

4. If you think guys love bitches, it's because they do. But if you think being a bitch to control a guy's mind will make you happy, underneath, it won't. And you'll become as uncaring about everything as you are about him. Don't be pathetic, have your self respect, but be nice. Care. And if he wants someone else because they're a "better challenge", then let him go. And burn his fucking clothes.

5. Find something that soothes you. Music, art, reading, movies, yoga, whatever. Have something that you can do all by yourself that makes and keeps you calm. You will need it in times of loneliness or anger.

6. Find something that inspires and excites you. And do that. Often. If you can make money off of it, awesome. But don't turn it into something that exists to provide your living. Keep it fun.

7. When you fuck up, and you will, just learn to say you're sorry. Even if it wasn't your fault, even if there's an explanation, just say it. There is a difference between being a martyr and taking responsibility to move forward. People just want to hear that you're sorry. They like that in their ears.

8. Get buck wild. Find one, unconditional, solid, North Star of a friend to hold your kite string tight and just fucking go for it. I'm not talking drugs and prostitution (necessarily), and remember there are people on the planet that look up to you, don't do it in front of them, but have some fun. Have a lot of fucking fun.

9. Don't give so much of a shit what people think and say. Who the fuck do they think they are anyway?

10. It's never a bad idea to keep a clean pair of underwear around. Glove compartment, purse, trunk. Because you may get your unexpectedly early lady time. Or hook up some night. Orrrr you may shit yourself.

11. Tell people THANK YOU. Get them little gifts, send them a card, text, email, whatever. Appreciation is underrated. Even when it's random.

12. Have one person you can tell absolutely every single thing to and hear every single thing from. If they still like you and you still like them, this is your best friend. Hold on to them. Make many friends, but keep this one close.

13. Play. Play a sport, play an instrument, play the stock market, play cards, play board games, play hide and seek, wrestle around. And do one, more or all of these your whole life. Keep a playing mind and body.

14. Seduce someone. Learn the power of your sexuality so you know how to wield it mercifully.

15. Experiment. Dabble. Eat weird food, do weird things, be friends with weird people. Diversity is very good for the soul. Nobody likes an ignorant bore.

16. Eat an entire Edward's Key Lime Pie by yourself. Even if it takes you a week. (It takes me about 3 days. Have elastic pants handy.)

17. Whether your parents are the nicest people alive or complete assholes. Tolerate them.

18. Cry. If you're happy, if you're sad, let it out. Don't make a spectacle, try not to do it in a professional setting, but have yourself a good ol bawlfest. It's refreshing. Snot will happen. But who doesn't get a raging boner from a snot-faced girl?

19. Smile at people you pass. Even if you know they're dicks.

20. Make a fool of yourself. For love or a child's laughter. These are the 2 best reasons I've done it.

21. Pay attention to nature. Feel awakened by a sunrise, love every second of a sunset, find shapes in the clouds, stomp through crunchy leaves, make out with someone in the rain, stay up and watch the lightning, lie down in grass and watch the ladybugs, search for 4 leaf clovers, skip rocks, swim in lakes, stare at the ocean. Puke in a parking lot. Just get outside.

22. Travel. Not just to vacation spots. Go to random towns, random bars, random grocery stores, cheap hotels, see the country you live in as a tourist just as you would a foreign place.

23. Paint your fingers and toes, you dirty tramp. Paint em up!

24. Slow down when driving. Where do you really need to go that fast?! Tickets and accidents are for assholes. And let people in on the freeway. That one extra car length will not be the 20 feet that ruins your day.

25. Be compassionate. Learn to be compassionate every step of the way.

26. Find your porn. Whether it's soccer, naked fatties, girl on girl, whatever's clever. Find your porn and when you're stressed and you can't think of anything that would feel better than punching a bitch, jack it instead. Not only does it tire you out, but orgasms oxygenate your brain. This is true shit, I watched a study on the Discovery Channel. You want a fresh perspective on something? Sleep or sex. I know which one I would choose.

27. But speaking of sleep, do that for big decisions. Sleep one night. See what the morning brings.

28. Be good to animals. Feed some chickens, pet a horse, hold a bunny, walk a dog, don't tell a goat it's ugly (to it's face). Just be kind to them. They deserve it.

29. FLOSS.

30. Hold a baby until it falls asleep in your arms. You will never forget that. I have never experienced anything better than caring for a child.

31. Being family is not just about blood, DNA or a piece of legal documentation. The love that binds you is what makes you family.

32. Show affection. Hug, kiss, touch, hold hands, give noogies to the people you care about. For one reason or another, they will be absent from your life. For a period of time or forever. And you will always wish you had hugged them or kissed them more or had the memory of smell from being closer to them. Hug and kiss. Just do it. Even if they say they hate it. Smother the shit out of them.

33. Forgive. Know that forgiveness frees up your spirit to take on or enjoy other things. Forgiveness isn't about taking shit, or taking blame, or being a stinky hippie, or giving in or being weak. Is about understanding that mistakes, no matter how big or small or hurtful, are a part of life. And you'll make some of your own some day.

34. Find the happiness in everything. When it seems there is none to be found, make it. And if all else fails, put on some Stevie Wonder and Steve Winwood. The Steve's will help.

35. Love and laugh. With everything you've got. You will not regret it, I promise you.

And I would know, I'm half way to 70. I'm wise like whoa.

My Only Sunshine

1. I am so fascinated with the amount of fast food I see eaten at my work. I don't know exactly why, but it has something to do with the gobs of money I see spent on utter shit just from 8-5 on week days by ONE person. I was quite generous in my number crunching and I have figured out she spends a minimum of $165.00 a month. That's 41.25 a week. On just what I see her buy for herself from 8-5. And I low-balled bigtime. I spend that much in groceries (including shampoo, toothpaste, etc) for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I eat very healthy. I just... ugh. It's her body, but I'm the one that has to smell the Arby's.

2. Pinterest. I don't even know why I like it so much! I wish I didn't. No, I'm glad I do. No, wait... I wish I could like it a little less. Maybe.

3. Dear Target, get rid of the gourmet trail mix, because that shit gets me every time. And I read the calories finally. Yikers.

4. I don't understand how Jessica Simpson is still pregnant... it has been like a year and a half I swear. Maybe it's just water weight and fried chicken?

5. I have come to realize I have a Steven Tyler level scarf dependency. And I don't plan to seek help for it any time soon.

6. My Dad calls me an average of 3 times a week. He does it at night when he's UPSing it all over the Midwest and he thinks his bluetooth is magic. He tells me about his life, he asks me about mine. He's basically obsessed with me and thinks the sun rises and sets out of my ass. Yet... he still took the time to send me a card, in addition to my birthday card, with a dad twirling a little girl dancing that explained how "sometimes we forget to say the little things like how proud I am of you and how special you are". Complete with a great verse from 1 Corinthians at the bottom. Man, I love that guy.

7. I recently acquired a tub of Hope In A Jar. I think it's ok and was thrilled about the name until I went to look at the review online and now there's a product by the same company called When Hope Isn't Enough. Well... fuck. How will I know?

8. Winnie was here on Saturday night just giving me all her furry cuteness. When we had both fallen asleep on the couch watching Jersey Shore, I tried to put her in my bed without taking her out. She stared me right down and pissed on her sleepy blanket. Guess that showed me.

9. I wonder if there's a time when I will feel that I am "too old" for glittery nail polish. I hope not.

10. Today is my late Grandmother's birthday. I wonder, if she had lived long enough where my family was given the option to put her brain in a robot so she could live on forever as a cyborg if we would have taken the doctors up on that. Because I miss her so much, and wish I could have her advice on things, and think about her all the time and I bet she would be really proud that I finally learned to cook, iron and "wash myself properly". She was my sunshine.

I'm Finally Cool Enough!!

So, lots of cool stuff happened this week, but it all pretty much pales in comparison to

FINALLY GETTING MY PINTEREST APPROVAL.

Good bye facebook. You are for people who want friendship and communication. I want recipes, nail art ideas, work out plans, cheesy/love/religious quotes, and pictures of baby otters.

(Kidding. I have to keep up on tagged pictures of myself.)