World Cup.... A Time To Get Turned On.

Reasons World Cup Soccer is the tits:

1. You never feel as patriotic as when you're cheering your very young, inexperienced Team USA as they enter an essentially unbeatable 3 team group. Bonus points if you're me and you're wearing a t-shirt with kittens on an American Flag while doing this.

2. You also get to feel as though you've just won World War III when USA beats Ghana in their opening game. Bonus points as Ghana has been the USA's nemesis in the last 2 World Cups. Seriously, they're our Hitler. (just go with it.)

3. Man on Man foreign PDA like CRAAAAAAZY. Other nations are touchy feely like whoa and I'm all about that.

4. Lets face it: It's porn for women. These are the sexiest athletes on the planet, all rounded up, running for 90 solid minutes, sweating, beating their chests, sliding on their knees, hugging the shit out of each other, ripping their shirts off....just turn on World Cup and if you don't like who's playing, mute the TV, put on some Banks or Sam Smith in the background for sound and get your sex on. BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE.

5. The fans are just fucking insane. Can't get motivated to do your laundry? Can't stop procrastinating about the dishes? Watch the dedication of some World Cup fans screaming their faces off and you'll inexplicably feel the need to clean your entire house. I don't know why, but that shit works.

6. Avoiding work in search of TVs and day drinking with patriotic purpose.

7. When you're partying your ass off in Detroit and you inevitably end up at Lafayette Coney in the middle of the night, there are always a ton of people from different countries in there and they're ALWAYS ready for World Cup chants. If you don't like playfully chanting USA!! USA!! USA!! against the similar yells of people of other nations, while bombed, in the middle of Detroit, while eating a Coney Dog and drinking a mini carton of milk, then why don't you get the fuck out of America, you know? Just get out. Canada is right there. Go. Go then.

8. Landon Donovan. Even though he's not on the team, he's everywhere else and the sight of his face makes my heart and ovaries smile.