What if I had gone on, burly as all get along, outgoing, a chubby little smiling strawberry blond bully. My doctors figure I would've been about 5'8" roughly. Would I have ever learned to sit still? To make due with what I have? Would I have studied as hard or read as much? If I looked different, would I have been as smart? Would I have developed the same sense of humor? If I had my health from the beginning, would I take it for granted now? Would I ever force myself to get up and live even when tired and in pain or would I just sit and complain about it? Would I have spent as much time with my Grandparents? Would my sister have not felt so isolated?
I sometimes wonder what life would be like had my parents stayed together.
Would they be happy together now? Would they fake being happy together now? Would they still argue or would they be resigned? Would they tell the truth or would they put on show for me? Would I know the difference? Would my sister not have rebelled so much? Would I have learned about the good and bad and risks of relationships? Would they have stayed faithful? Would my Dad have kept his mustache? Would my Mom have let her hair go grey? Would they have given me any room to make mistakes? Would they have praised me for my accolades more? Would they be one or separate people living in the same house? Would I have been less sick? Would I have prayed as much?
I sometimes wonder what life would be like if Adam H Newman wouldn't have come into it.
Would I have kept dying my hair blond? Would I have gotten more tattoos? Would I have stayed in that dark place after losing my Grandma? Would I have gone even darker? Would I have learned how to show people respect in relationships? Would I have ever tried seafood again? Would I have ever watched a Lord of the Rings movie? Would I know it's ok to feel pain and feel happiness too? Would I have ever taken responsibility for things? Would I have ever known how to give or receive unconditional love? Would I have seen another person kill a seagull with a rock? Would I have had faith in people? Would I have cared about self-reflection or self-improvement? Would I have ever learned to truly not judge a book by it's cover? Or it's library? Would I have ever moved away from Michigan?
I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I had never moved to California.
Would I have ever met a Jew? Would I have ever seen the desert at sunrise? The Pacific at sunset? Would I have finished college? Would I be a teacher now? Would I have ever crossed paths with anyone I know from there now? Would I still think there was a Wizard behind the curtain? Would I want there to be? Would I have ever missed Adam or called him up? Would I be married? Would I have kids? Would I feel like there was something missing? Would I have learned to let go of things I can't change? Would I have learned a work ethic? Would I have an open mind? Would I appreciate differences? Would I find beauty in the same things?
Would I change any of it if I could? No. We are all SO small and insignificant. Because the real answer for me to any "what if" is to have and consider and use what I gained from all of this. Perspective. I'm not getting off this planet alive. And there is no way to know how long I get to stay. So, while I'm here, it's important to take care of myself. To cherish my health. To support and joke with my Mom. To pet her many cats and puppies. To talk to my Dad at least once out of the 5 times a week he calls. To tell him to tell my stepmother and siblings hi. To laugh with Adam as much as I can. Thank God for him every day. Call him a nerd. To give and receive unconditional love even when it's hard. To forgive and move forward. To keep in touch with my LA peeps. To smile when I think of the desert and the ocean. To name drop. To think about or appreciate how something was shot and the work it took to make it come to life. To smile at strangers. To not badmouth the little guy, he could be your boss very soon. To know I'm always either going to be a winner or a loser, but if I don't play a hand at all, I'm going to feel like a coward.
To look at the big picture. And appreciate the beauty in absolutely everything. Even the fact that the hair on my toes right now is disturbingly long. Oh well, at least I have toes, right?
