This blog's for you! And you and you and... well, maybe not you so much...but, you!

I'm finally blogging. Why? Because it's fun to talk about myself and others. That's why.

Let's get some shit straight right away.

This blog is probably not for you if you strongly dislike the following: Cussing, tasteless and sometimes slightly racist or dirty jokes, laughing, women, men, freedom of speech, happiness, reading blogs, scattered thoughts, expressing feelings, Chelsea Handler, Tucker Max, Jesus, life in general and America

This blog is SO for you if you happen to enjoy: Boozing, sex, dudes, girls, making out, cute animals, roasted marshmallows, soccer (or your sport of choice, which should be soccer if you're a girl), composing "Top 5 people I wanna do it to" lists, enjoying life as it's handed to you, making the shit hand you got dealt better, milkshakes, masturbating, laughing about things that may or may not be funny, nice senior citizens, fried pickles, babies (non screaming), reading asides in ( ), metaphors, good/horrible music, movies, Los Angeles, Ohio, Michigan, friends, family, making up your own words, being good to yourself and others, bars, believing your horoscope if it says something even remotely positive, having feelings, bitching about bad drivers, happy hour and America.

I will try to be kind. Everyone discussed will have a fake name or a nickname unless you're Adam H. Newman. Why does Adam not get spared? Because I have been best friends with him for over a decade and I have still never seen him do anything too embarrassing (except for growing that moustache) or too awful (aside for killing that seagull on the beach) that would warrant a secret blog identity. If you got a fake name, know it's you, and want to claim it, do so. I won't even be mad, I'll be impressed. Whatever. The fake names will change at random as well. Locations may also be slightly fibbed about. There could be little lies at any turn. It's a fucking party now!

The blog could be one sentence long about something dumb I saw that day, they could be lists of my random thoughts, an existing fan favorite, or they could be pages long rants on the injustices of life. They are never meant to offend unless stated as so. I love my friends and family and most people I surround myself with. I don't aim to disappoint people or call anyone out. I would just like to apologize now, in advance, for all the times this will inevitably happen. I see very little point in having to write "kidding!" after half of my sentences because most people who read this will know me and understand that I mean no harm. Unless I mean harm. And I will clearly state that. Watch out, demon sluts of the Midwest. Anyway, apologies are for p-words. Moving on.

I am a woman in my 30's who has moved back and forth from the Midwest, where I fail hard at life, to Los Angeles, where I had more success than I deserved. Life has provided me with a lot to write about. So, grow some thick skin, crack yourself a can of Busch Light (if you're in Michigan), order that dollar domestic bottle (if you're in Ohio and probably at Bar Louie), pour that properly aired glass of Pinot Noir (if you're in LA and think too highly of yourself and your beverages) or take that shot of liquid cocaine (if you're my roommate) and join me on my journey through life. I hope you enjoy reading this. Or don't, you dumb fuck. If you like it, tell me so. If you don't, shut the front door. Nobody cares.

Or do they....